chaotic dream

summer!

2009-05-19T22:18:00.002+08:00

all those days attending ~~summer class~~ instead of actually enjoying my summer vacation paid off... I PASSED INTECAL!

anyway, i was supposed to go to the gym today, i got lasy that's why i wasn't able to. FF people kept on bugging me though. one in ortigas, the other in megamall (yes, i know megamall is in ortigas, but what can i do? they're different branches.xD) so, i guess i'll go there this friday or saturday :)

2009-04-27T23:27:00.002+08:00

i'm NOT supposed to feel this way.
who is HE, anyway?
it isn't as if we're ~~close~~.
we barely know each other.

and yet.

i'm ~~jealous~~.

the sad part is...
i don't have the right to feel this way :\

summer classes starts

2009-04-24T01:07:00.002+08:00

today, my summer classes started officially. i didn't know that some of my friends enrolled in the same class i did (like Boogie, Mia, and Benjie) but at least i've got some people to talk to, right? :)

never knew summer classes would be fast-paced. our prof discussed the lessons that i had to learn in a week last term, in one friggin' day! i hate to admit it, if i only studied well in intecal last term, i wouldn't have been stuck in manila trying to pass it again.:| and i would be going to the province witnessing Kuya Geepee's wedding on may 4 as one of the bridesmaids.

and because i was ~~stupid~~ enough to fail it - unintentionally - and was stupid enough not to pass my med certificate, i'll be left in Manila, with only Ate Daday with me, while my parents and my sister goes off to Romblon, head to the beach and the wedding.

ugh.
this is ~~NOT~~ my kind of summer. :|

failure

2009-04-22T01:00:00.002+08:00

i've never really known what it feels like to fail. i've always been known as "the smart girl" or the intelligent one of my batch. now, i can't face them and say i failed.

helloooo :)

2009-04-20T21:59:00.002+08:00

it's been awhile since i've posted another bloggie. let's just say my being ~~busy~~ and ~~lazy~~ got the best out of me :))

soo, i read my past entries here and i admit, they're all ~~pathetic~~. well, i just needed to let out things and rant, but i didn't realize how bad i had it :| i'm glad i've let it all go. :)

tomorrow is the said "judgement day" in DLSU. yess, our course card distribution day has finally arrived, and i'm not even excited about it. :\ intecal has got me worried ever since i was absent on our second quiz 'caue i was in the hospital getting my bp checked. :| apparently, at that time, my heart rate was way too high that they had to use ECG (i think?). i wasn't ALLOWED to ~~fail~~ any of the quizzed i've got left. but lo and behold, i had to fail one :| and since i forgot to pass my med certificate to the vice dean, my missed quiz was recorded as 0. :|

i hope and i pray that i would ~~atleast~~ get a 1.0.
i know i'm not ~~worthy~~ of anything higher than that. :|

on this day...

2009-02-11T22:22:00.002+08:00

on this day, three years ago
you were here beside me..
on this day, three years ago..
our faces with smiles, both of us were happy.

but that was three years ago
it seems like yesterday
but it happened too long ago
i wish you could've stayed

-------

he turns 19.
on this day three years ago,
he spent it with me.

who would've thought
that after three years
i would be able to greet him face to face.

happy birthday, m!(:
ily, imy.

lies. lies. and more.

2009-01-30T23:05:00.002+08:00

why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies ~~my ex-boyfriend~~ has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his ~~rebound girl~~? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

tagged

2008-12-22T21:23:00.002+08:00

The rules: Link to your tagger and post these rules.

List 8 random facts about yourself
1. i`m a college frosh.xD
2. i'm a poet.:)
3. i play the guitar!:))
4. i wanna be taller :\
5. i'm 17. (haha. halatang walang masabi.xD)
6. music lover.:)
7. über friendly, pero medyo shy at first :))
8. guy frieends say that i look like a teddy bear :|

YOU
First name: Bianca
Name you wish you had: er. idk :))
What do people normally your name as: bianx/biancs/bianks/bianc (ahaha, ibaiba spelling), or binky :))
Birthday: 09 july
Bitrhplace: Manila.
Time of birth: 3:15pm
Single or taken: single :)

YOUR APPEARANCE
H0w tall are you: 5'
Wish you were taller: yea :[ pero ok na toh :))
Eye colour: Dark Brown. :))
Current hair color: Brown-ish
short or long hair: want longer hair.
ever dye your hair a bizarre color: nah. :P
last time you did something dramatic with you hair: uh, never?
glasses or contact: none
do you wear make up: er, occasionally :)
paint your nails: yea.:]

IN AN OPPOSITE GENDER
what eye color: Brown.
what hair color: brown/black
shy or outgoing: outgoing.
sexy or cute: both.xD
serious or fun: both!xD
older or younger than you: older.
a turn on: sense of humor, and expressive eyes :)
a turn off: hm, irresponsible
flowers or chocolates: flowers:)
pepsi or coke: neither
rap or rock: rock:)
relationship or one night stand: relationship:)
school or work: school
love or money: love.:"> (oo na, corny.xD)
wish you were prince or princess: nah.
like someone who was taken: er, no?
Saved your head: ??
used chopstick: yea
sang in the mirror to yourself: yea.
favorites flower: pink rose.
candy: lollipops.:)
junk food: hm, vcut? tostillas?
website: multi, facebook.:)
location: Philippines
animal: doggies.

MISC
ever cried over someone: yea.:[
is there anything you wish you could change about yourself: too much insensitivity.
do you think you're attractive: err? ahah, i think?
if you had to choose a fairytale as your life what would you choose: ..hmm
Do you play any sports: yea, badminton uhm.. and i used to ice skate :)

i tag: everybody.:)

wth.

2008-12-22T21:14:00.002+08:00

bianca is angry/pissed/mad.

i hate it. :\

so much for my christmas :[

and i found out something from R.

M might just be mad at me.

wtf!? wth?! i don't think he has every right to be mad at me.

f*ck!

i can't even find a reason for him to hate me!

between us,

i should be the one hating him!

i'm not being bitter or selfish.

it's just that,

i know his side of the story,

i know mine.

he ONLY knows his.

so.. grr! >:(

2008-12-17T23:09:00.002+08:00

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me ~~again~~.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

finals week = hell week v3.0

2008-12-03T21:21:00.003+08:00

my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).

finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for solimen, kinda ready for diffcal, but i'm NOT yet ready for anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))

----------

saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i ~~didn't~~ see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\

i ~~hate~~ it. :|

----------

anyhoo, needs a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my finals!:)

strawberry eyes + journey to q.ave + twilight in glorietta = tiring

2008-12-01T20:50:00.002+08:00

early in the morning, ~~strawberry eyes~~ had to welcome me. :\ remember the guy i was pertaining to in my previous blog? well, see the thing is, i had to set the record straight. seems like everything is ~~sooo wrong~~. and before things get out of hand, i have to let him go. sadly, both of us didn't want to. it felt like it was sort of a ~~break up~~ even though it wasn't. i was supposed to avoid him and not text him. but he keeps on texting me! :'(

anyway, i had to go to Quezon Ave. to meet with my blockmate, Im. Our research paper is due on wednesday sooooo cram cram cram!! I live in the South and we're meeting somewhere in the North. So how in the world would I go there, right? Thank God for MRTs. :)) I left home around 8-ish, and rode a jeepney going to Pasay. when in Pasay, i rode off the jeepney and took the MRT. gaaawd, ang layoooo pala ng Quezon Ave. :|

anyhooo, i texted my blockmate when i reached cubao. He gave me directions and things -- in short, i had to meet him in McDo. :)) when i saw him, he told me that we'll be meeting with another blockmate, J. Say hello to randomness and laughter.:))

since he was still at home, I decided that we should wait outside J's house na lang. since none of us knew where he lived, we had to call him pa. :)) When we found out na, Im realized that J lived somewhere around the corner lang. After minutes of patience and the like, we drove off to Burger King in Timog Ave. :)

Basically, we just ate there since after eating, the 3 of us decided to do our school things in J's house. :)) bastaaaa. can't narrate everything 'cause it'll take up too much space. :) thing is, we were supposed to finish englres but couldn't, luckily, we almost did :) they, Im and J, played red alert why I youtube-d at the same time. :))

Im and I were supposed to go somewhere at 2pm though both of us lost track of time. :)) sooo, both of us were late for our thingies. :)) i was supposed to go to glorietta to meet with my hs friends: Alroze, Joshua and Marlon. hassle nga eh. haha. i forgot how far q.ave was. sooo, i got there at around 3:30pm

twilight was the movie we were going to watch. one of the cinemas there will show twilight at 3:40pm. sakto lang! haha. we sat somewhere in front 'cause that's the only place wherein unoccupied seats were found. i am kinda ~~disappointed~~ with the movie.:| i love the book better. lots of important stuff weren't added to the movie.:| the storyline was too fast-paced. Jasper was a bit ~~stony~~. any omg, doesn't anyone notice how fast edward and bella became an item?! the author had a little exposure in the movie, too. i think the only thing i liked about it is the baseball scene. gotta love the song supermassive black hole by the muse :)

overall, i'd give it 2 stars. one for my love of the book, the other for the kilig factor that was ever present in the movie. :)

gtg guys, classes resume tomorrow. :|

wrong. soo wrong.

2008-11-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself ~~fall~~.

now, i suffer the ~~consequences~~.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my ~~heart~~ than my mind.
was I even using my ~~heart~~?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just ~~caught up~~ with this feeling?

idk.

something doesn't feel right

2008-11-24T23:58:00.001+08:00

it feels so right, yet so ~~wrong.~~

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?

------

on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

skechers street dance battle year 4

2008-11-23T22:20:00.003+08:00

waaah!

thanks to raymond apacible for taking me to the competition. :) had sooo much fun! though araneta was quite a riot (nothing beats the noise of the UAAP season :))), i had fun!

here are my faves:
highschool division:
(in no particular order)
- La Salle Greenhills Airforce
- Miriam College Sayawatha
- Xavier School Dance X
- Ateneo High School Indak
- Claret School Hataw

college division:
- DLSU LaSalle Dance Company-Street
- ADMU
- UPLB
- Mapua

*winners in both divisions are in bold letters.

CONGRATULATIONS to the winners MC and DLSU.
Animo La Salle!

Xavier Dance X and LSGH Airforce were coool! :) Philippine All-Stars and G-Force (correct me if i'm wrong) performed, too!

again... thanks raymond for bringing me along :)

can't wait for year5

-

he pops out for another day

2008-11-19T17:49:00.002+08:00

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was ~~him.~~

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. ~~plagiarism~~ ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's ~~hurting~~ me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's ~~stupid~~ of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured ~~so much~~.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should ~~stay away~~ from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

thanks for rubbing it in, guys :|

2008-11-10T21:57:00.003+08:00

it's official, friends are dying just to see me ~~let go~~.

i lala-love my friends to death (: i won't leave them behind, and i'm here for them 100%. they know they can count on me on everything. the thing is, the essays they asked for me. gawd, the topics. i, emotionally and mentally, wasn't ready for it. :\

i'll update you guys when i've shaken my thoughts away from it.

friends (you know who you are), thanks. (: you guys know i needed that. but still, don't rub it in. :|

2008-11-09T00:12:00.002+08:00

so, as of now, while typing this blog of mine, i'm schedding!

Schedding - v. (c/o Jan Juris Jim Go) fixing your own schedule for the next term

ugh. schedding is such a hassle. ang hirap pala! byebye 2nd term. it was nice knowing i was pre-enrolled (since i'm a frosh). gaah. this is giving me hardcore stress!

ok, updates:
- my friend and i are serious about this ~~let-go-of-the-first-love-and-be-happy~~. as of now, everything's been going smoothly. but, what if i see him again? :\
- ~~his~~ (pertaining to the 'first love' above) cousin's been talking to me. no worries, though. but somehow, he's been talking to me endlessly. like, kulang na lang every minute kaming mag-usap. :|
- got 3 (yes, people. THREE) ~~MATH~~ quizzes next week. wish me luck!(:
- schedding is ~~still~~ pissing me off.

that's it for now. sleepy. need ENERGY! :)
study pa ko. huhu. night guys!

the day we went to UPd.

2008-11-01T23:55:00.003+08:00

soo, ate is a MultiMedia Arts major, right? she has this homework for one of her coures, fotogra, i think? she has to take 36 shots of random things, us!

..was with my ate, tita tats, ate faye, louis, lance, and francis.(:

early in the morning, it was freakin' raining! i thought we won't be able to og out anymore. still, my ate went inside my room and told me that we'll be going to UP Diliman for her school thing. our tita tats would fetch us daw. so, ok. i'm game!(:

aternoon passed and still no sign of tita tats. cancelled na siguro. that's what i thought, until she texted me to inform me she'd pick us up at 1pm. :O 1 am!? i received that at 12:30pm!! soooo, i had to rush and prepare.

before leaving the house, tita tats told us to call up our cousin, louis to let them know we'll be fetching them already. kasama pala sila.XD i wasn't informed eh.:)) late ko na rin nalaman ung lakad.:))

it was a fun car ride going to roxas.:)) ate took a picture of tita tats while driving, and my picture. idk. haha.

the time we got there, lance was prepared, so was francis.:)) ang alam ko 5 lang kami, but wth, the more the merrier! ate faye wanted to stay home na nga lang eh. she thought we wouldn't fit inside tita tats' honda jazz. but we did! kandong ko lang si france.XD theeen, louis showed us their Nikon EOS. haha. okaay. i forgot what model eh. sorry!

UPd... here we come!

we parked right in front of palma hall. took some pictures, and some jumpshots there. ALL of us haven't eaten one single meal that day, soooo while jumping and taking photos, all of us got hungry.XD

we crossed beta way, stayed and took some photos in melchor hall, walked beside it, saw and took photos of the sun dial, and then .... eat naaaa!

we ate at rodic's and everyone ordered a tapsilog. mmm. delish! the thing is, their serving is waay too much! i had to force the food inside my mouth pa.XD louis ordered two, him and lance ordered an extra egg. since the food was too much for all of us to finish, take out na lang :))

going back to palma hall was fun but tiring. ang layoooo eh pag nilakad. pero ok lang ;)

haii. i missed going out. :(
nabawi ng UP trip/photoshoot!:))
pics are in my muti account! :D

awkward.

2008-10-23T00:17:00.003+08:00

~~AWKWARD.~~

it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\

in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates), coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?

i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.

"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.

when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.

minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him. "WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.

after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.

since then, everytime we see each other, ~~awkward~~. it's been ~~awkward~~ ever since. i really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i ~~still~~ feel the same way about him. that ~~i still love him~~.

i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm SURE the awkwardness was mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?

i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.

i wanna be with you

2008-10-09T00:13:00.002+08:00

words i still could not believe i heard from A -- 'i wanna be with you'.

he's been coming in and out of my life. ~~damn!~~ i'm getting confused 'cause of him.

hopefully, soon, he'll clear things up.

....

2008-10-02T20:20:00.000+08:00

~~i can't make you love me...~~

please spare me :|

is it just me?

2008-09-23T20:48:00.003+08:00

i prayed for something i've been wanting for so long. how long? let's say more than 2 years and ~~still counting~~?

this is the first time i prayed for it, and not ask for a ~~stupid~~ sign. yeaa. i used to. sooo, i asked God to show me a pink rose if he thinks i deserve to be with *him* again. my friend said it should be within 9 days. guess what. in less than a minute, i saw one.

i couldn't believe it. eh sa fabric softener ko pa naman makita dba? still, i don't get it. i saw pink roses THREE TIMES in different places/things.

i'm confused. i'm dazed. kung kelan naman ~~kaya~~ ko na, saka mangyayari toh!

just like last night, i asked Him to help me figure out if i should let go or not. :| and just earlier this day. ang gulo. nadamay pa lovelife sa fildla. th prof said "kumbaga pag may hinihintay ka. sa katagalan mapapagod ka." obviously, it was him who i thought of. i thought let go na. then my blockmate told me "don't quit". i was like "what?" she said "eto o, sa planner, don't quit."

can anyone clear my mind???

it's been awhile..

2008-09-21T20:26:00.002+08:00

it's been awhile since i've been online. our router's busted so i can't get connected. :| bummer. my laptop is for music purposes for the meantime. XD

bloggie, bloggie, bloggie. it's been awhile, too! XD and i'm more confused than ever!

i had this weird dream a couple of nights ago. weird because before i slept, i was thinking of a guy, but he wasn't the guy i dreamt about! another guy popped out from my dream. haha. past, baby! :))

i'll updated bloggie when router's fixed. gah. i miss the net. :(

:|

2008-09-14T18:54:00.003+08:00

can't think of a proper title for this entry.
well. no. i don't know.
simply, i can't think ~~straight~~!

it sucks.
grrr.

details. details. details.
stupid mothereffin' f*cked up details.
(sorry for the language.)

i ~~HATE~~ it!!! :((

i need to talk to someone.
badly. IMMEDIATELY!

i don't want to go ~~insane~~. :|

omg.

2008-09-13T22:38:00.001+08:00

~~sh*t!~~

you're making me ~~fall~~ for you all over ~~again~~

~~sh*t!~~

~~sh*t!~~

Plurk timeline

2008-09-12T15:56:00.001+08:00

Plurk.com

second term, here i come!

2008-09-11T22:28:00.002+08:00

ok. term started na. hahaha. but i haven't met all of my profs yet.

here are the subjects i've been to:
- FILDLAR
- ANAGEOM
- DIFFCAL
- CHEMONE
- LBYCH11

the subjects that i went to, but the prof didn't show up:
- ENGLRES
- SOLIMEN

------------

yea. second term. it's been fun. hahaha. less homeworks pa kasi. and besides, it's the usual intro's again. but when you see my schedule, it's more flexible than the one i had last term. oh, just exclude monday. hahaha. 3 maths and chemistry in one day with just a 40-minute break, how's that to start your every week? XD

last day of the term break

2008-09-10T00:13:00.006+08:00

this is the end of my term break... bummer

haiii...

on the bright side, tito jun (banez) celebrated his 50th birthday in anabelle's (wrong spelling? correct me please.:]) in tomas morato. yeaaa, ~~hassle~~ lang 'cause i had to go from our house to ortigas in the afternoon. the celebration was a dinner eh.

anyhooo, i saw the gillette people again! :) tito bambi and tita violy, tito rey and ninang cha, tito ray and tita lynn, and of course, tito jun and tita martha. ang onti nga eh. they were ~~incomplete~~. hehe.

hmmm. the celebration was fun and the food was great!

makes my wonder why my dad didn't celebrate his 50th with a bang...??

grandparents day :)

2008-09-08T12:45:00.003+08:00

ooooh, i've been out of the house this weekend. haha. funfun. XD

last saturday and sunday, i watched the uaap in the araneta coliseum. i planned to watch the dlsu-admu game and was with my friends and a blockmate. :) yeaaa, i know. waste of time. lasalle lost to ateneo ... again! haii, at least i had fun that day. :)

watching the uaap cheerdance competition wasn't included in my schedule. i was supposed to bum around the house after the mass and then go to market!market! for the family's grandparents day celeb.

i got a text from my friend asking me to accompany her to the competition 'cause she had an extra ticket. since i thought there was nothing to do after the mass (my parents didn't inform me about the family dinner), i agreed to go with her. it was for free anyway. XD

when we got there, gah. the coliseum was jam-packed. ugh. wish i never went there in the first place. :| people were cheering and jumping for their school. it was a sea of blue, red, green, and maroon. XD

by 5pm, my friend went to katipunan (for unknown reasons.XD) and i headed to makati. had dinner with the family in gilligan's island, and went gaga over my ate's dslr. XD i never knew my whole family was vain. from the grandparents to the grandchildren, god were we so vain. XD i think my ate took about 200+++ photos. hahaha. then after dinner, we strolled around market!market!

what better way to end the day than to eat ice cream. :) weeeee~ parents gave us money to buy ica cream from arce dairy. just a scoop lang, we were full na eh. we were supposed to walk around serendra for the camwhore moments part 2 but it was getting late na. haha.

anywhoo, late post. i know. buuut..
happy grandparents day lolo and lola! mwah! :)

to MOA :))

2008-04-17T19:12:00.002+08:00

sorry, i was sooo BOORED yesterday that i forgot to update my bloggie. :D

anyhoo, 16 April 2008, my friends and i went to MOA. let's say they're already a 'barkada' and i'm the newbie in the group. haha. i was bored, they invited me, i came, and we had fun! :)

first off, some of us went to meet in Jollibee so that we could go to MOA altogether. after everyone came, we first went to my friend's dad. she'll be going to madocs, idk, maybe to enroll or something.

after that, we went to shell gas station to meet up with jc. then headed off to moa. :) it was kinda scorchin' hot, and none of us brought any umbrella, so.. yes, we were kinda ~~sweating~~ and we weren't even out of our city! :))

anyhoo, i'll skip some of the details, kk? :p

when we got there, pao needed to meet up with his sis, so we looked for his sis first. after that, we went to the skating rink to meet up with the rest of the group. we were going to ice skate, and i forgot to bring socks. genius, right? :)) so, i asked marian to tag along with me as i bought (yes, i bought pa) socks in the dept. store.

after buying the socks, we got our tickets from jr, and headed off! :)

weeee! i missed the rink! :D and no, i'm NOT a figure skater or whatever. i just used to take up lessons when i was younger and haven't been on the rink ever since. i guess, we skated for about an hour or two before we decided to eat. my friend and i bought crepe cones from crepes&cone yumyum!!!:D

after all the eating, we went to baywalk. haha! we let our inner ~~camwhore~~ out and took hell of alot of pictures!! XD

about 4:30pm, we decided (well, some of us did) to go home. we bought pearl shakes from zagu first before looking for a jeep.

when we arrived at smbicutan, some already headed home while some of us (4 of the guys, abby and i) stayed for a bit.

FUNfunFUN day!! :D

last April 02...

2008-04-03T20:43:00.005+08:00

yes.. the day i reserve my slot in DLSU has come :))

- technically, the night before, my parents asked me if i would want to come with my dad 'cause he's going to be the one who'll go to DLSU. i dunno what has gotten into me, but i said i'll go.. little did i know that i'll be waking up early... ~~too early~~ for someone who's trying to enjoy her summer vacay :))

- first things first, we went to my mom's office.. obviously we rode our car :)) we had to take the MRT to get to Taft Ave. i guess my dad thought he would be having a hard time looking for a parking space. anyhoo, after getting to taft ave., we walked (yes, people.. you read it right... we walked) towards baclaran church.. no worries, we took the jeep going to DLSU :)

- when we got there, i had my slot reserved :D there was a long line, well not that long.. but long enough for me to think we would stay there for about an hour.. but we didn't :D it was kind of fast, actually.. they were really organized.. ooh, i found one of my batchmates there. :) anyhoo, i guess my friend cath was right.. there ARE alot of ~~cute guys~~ there.. :))

- like i said, it didn't take us an hour in LaSalle.. so, after going there.. we took an FX to Buendia, and 2 jeeps in Pasong Tamo.. (sorry, still getting my way with the streets.. still learning.. :D) anyhoo, we went to Nissan in Pasong Tamo.. i think my dad's "car shopping" :))

- at about lunch time, my dad and i went back to ADB (mom's office) and ate lunch there.. after eating, my persuasive powers got my parents on letting me watch a movie in MegaMall ALONE!! X) it's a shock, they don't usually let me unless i have someone with me.. then, there i was.. scanning for a good movie to watch.. i was thinking of watching "Fool's Gold", but instead.. i watched "Step Up 2: The Streets".. money well spent! ;D gawd, the dance moves were COOL!! made me wish i could dance like them.. btw, Chase Collins (played by Robert Hoffman) is so ~~damn~~ ~~hot!~~

- i went to SnowStorm and bought myself a StormBlaze. :)

- at dinner, we (the family, of course) went to the Podium and ate at Banana Leaf..

well, that's all (i think).. it really had me tired.. the moment i got home, i slept without even bothering to change :)) unfortunately, i woke up at about 11pm and couldn't sleep. :)) haha! so much for sleeping early.. :))

it's been awhile

2008-03-30T22:00:00.002+08:00

yup.. it's been awhile since i've blogged. :)) i miss you my bloggie!!

anyhoo, time for the updates!:

- [used-to-be] boybud and i are okay now.. i think we've been okay since last february.. i can't exactly recall how that happened.. all i know is we were chatting one evening, he was asking for an apology, i said we'll talk the next day, and frankly, we did. he was kind of looking for a time when we'll talk. and there, we've been talking ever since..

- i'm a certified high school graduate! hehe.. i graduated last friday.. it's still isn't sinking into me, though.. i think when i start enrolling or even passing my requirements in LaSalle [future school!!!] is the time when reality will slap me right in the face.. :))

- my friends and i are planning on an out-of-town trip.. summer is here.. it's time for the BEACH!!! :D

well, that's all for now.. i'm kinda not in the mood for blogging, though i miss blogging.. so, yeah.. i'll change my layout first.. then i'll go back to blogging..:))

sembreak

2007-10-31T13:35:00.000+08:00

sembreak ba toh!? i'm borredd..... :|

i'll update my bloggie later.. :)

the canteen issue

2007-09-08T18:05:00.000+08:00

i tried to talk to my boybud last thursday. i really wanted to talk to him. i was getting frustrated with the fact that someone in their class is flirting him. i don't know why. i just hate it everytime by bestfriend would tell me stories about the girl flirting with my boybud. it hurts. i admit. i hurts. so. bad.

right after lunch, my classmate (who knows him) told me to write him a note. so that everything would be said and done, so that no one would get hurt, she persuaded me to write him a not. and i did.

josh,
meet me in the canteen after dismissal... i just need to talk to you... if you don't come, i know what it means.....

after our speech class, we were heading down the stairs. the moment i came near their classroom, i tried not to look inside the windows. unfortunately, one of their classmates were getting an OHP unit inside. there was a guy holdig up the door for his classmate. when i looked up, i saw him. looking at me. straight. in. the. eye.

after that, i got more nervous about the "dismissal" thing. i was scared. so, the moment our adviser told us that we were dismissed, my anxiety turned into hunger, so i decided to head straight to the canteen and eat. :)) i was getting nervous every minute. to relieve my nervousness, i told my friends, "if he doesn't come here by 5pm, we'll go home." i told them that at 4:30pm. they told me to make it 5:30pm, but i was persistent. if this was meant to be, by 5pm, he'll be there, that's what i thought.

since they [my friends] knew that he wouldn't talk to me if they were there, they left me. "look-out" daw sila. :)) 4:45pm, gawd! ang tagal. i decided to do my physics homework. but the minute i was answering it, a friend of ours [boybud and i] came and told me, "andiyan siya." i told him to let him in. without hesitation, he did. our friend had a plan, he told us that he'd just "buy something", but the truth is, he locked us up inside.

he panicked. i did, too. but i didn't show it unlike he did. i remained calm, though deep inside i wasn't. this was the first time i was with him ALONE in some place. for minutes, they didn't open it up. so when one of my classmates came, i asked her to open the gates for us.. and she did. then i started to speak..

ako: "o, alam ko namang gusto mo nang umalis eh.."
boybud: (not moving and just looking at me) "galit ka ba?"
a: "ano sa tingin mo?"
b: "hindi ko alam.... galit ka ba? =/"
a: "alam mong hindi ako galit sayo. ilang beses ko bang uuliting hindi ako galit sayo! alam mo, kahit gusto kong magalit, di ko kaya! ewan ko kung bat pilit mo kong iniiwasan....."

after that, he just looked at me.. i.. never felt so at ease. i don't know why. he's the only person who could make me feel at ease no matter what.. gawd. i miss him so much!

last night, my bestfriend asked him "do you care for bianca?", he simply said "ya i do.. duh!" he cares for me. that's a fact. he said it himself. but why can't he talk to me? =/

maybe i was just blind

2007-08-20T20:07:00.001+08:00

do you know how it feels to give up everything and to sacrifice everything just for the one you love? i do. i didn't care what others might tell me or think of me, as long as i stay with him*.

after 2months, suddenly, the communication stopped. i thought he* was too busy. i thought he* had too many problems. i didn't mind. i kept the communication. i didn't care that he* wasn't replying, as long as he* knows i care.

later on, i found out he* was having a family problem (that's what he told me and my bestfriend). i had faith in him* that he* could fix it. i was scared that he* wouldn't 'cause i think it would resolve on risking what we have. he*, then, PROMISED (yup, that word that i hate to hear) me that if ever he* wouldn't or couldn't fix it, he* would tell me what it is. i knew him*. well, i thought i did. so, i put my trust in him*.

after a month, i had no news about his* "problem". my birthday came and he* greeted me. just a simple "happy birthday", that's exactly how he* sent it. i didn't care if it didn't seem too happy, or if i didn't feel any emotion coming from the text. i knew he* greeted me, that alone made me happy. i didn't care if he* didn't reply after i replied to that greeting. i knew something was up, i didn't mind. maybe i was too blind.

after a couple of weeks, our* day came. i was soo happy! i even saved my greeting to him* days before. but i had this strange feeling. i was scared, wanting the day not to come. i knew it will happen. i knew it will end. but i thought to myself "i'm just paranoid", or so i thought. maybe i was just blind.

midnight struck on our very day, i waited for it. by exactly 12 midnight, i sent him my message. he replied. but there's something in that text that made me wonder. for a few minutes, i didn't mind (i was reading hp7). but after it sank in my system, i had the courage to ask. though i knew where it will lead me to.

he* was numb. he* seemed like he* didn't care about me. he* said goodbye. i told him* "don't". he* told me "what if i don't love you anymore?" the line most martyrs (including myself) say "i don't care. i'll take care of you. i'll show you how much i love you! don't leave me.." nonetheless, he* left.

it didn't sink in me. well, it did the moment i told that to my bestfriend the next day. i didn't care if i was crying in school, or if teachers can see me, or if my boybud saw me.

i was hurt, i was sad, i felt pain, i was confused, it was complicated, and once again, i was left alone. like 4 months ago, when he* held me up when i was down. i didn't imagine that he*, of all people, would be the next one to pull me down.

i loved him*. and i still do. i care for him*. i never lied to him*. i was sincere. i was faithful. i was loyal. maybe he* wasn't mr.Right. maybe he* was just mr.Right-now. but i still think that he* didn't want to end it. that something had forced him* and made him* do it. i know him*. i know he* loved, and still loves me. something may be the reason why he* did it. and until now, i'm frustrated 'cause i don't even know what the reason of my depression is. yes, it's because he* left me. but why did he*? will i ever know the truth? is that even the truth?

i missed you bloggie!

2007-08-09T13:20:00.000+08:00

waah! i miss posting on my bloggie.. hmmm.. sorry i wasn't able to post these past few days.. alot of things are circling on my mind eh.. and i'm not ready to accept or share them to you, bloggie... hmm.. maybe next time, i'll make my entry long.. long enough to be a novel.. :D

2 days to 4 months.:)

2007-07-23T18:53:00.000+08:00

isn't it obvious that there's nothing much going on im ny life rather than study, study, study?

my mom bought me a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last saturday! :)

anyway, my mind's not working well since this is the first time that i have no assignments.. though i have to memorize a poem (a long one, actually) for an inter-school competition (yep! i'm a part of it! :) )

2 days... in 2 days, patrick and i will be 4 months! weee!

patrick,
in two days, 4 months na tayong magkasama.. remember on our first monthsary, you told me "kung kaya natin one month, kaya natin ONE LIFETIME.." and that's what we'll do.. :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY! :)

now, my birthday

2007-07-23T18:48:00.000+08:00

9 July 1991
Your date of conception was on or about 16 October 1990 which was a Tuesday.

You were born on a Tuesday
under the astrological sign Cancer.
Your Life path number is 9.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 7 & 11.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 8 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2448446.5.
The golden number for 1991 is 16.
The epact number for 1991 is 14.
The year 1991 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/15/1991 and ending 2/3/1992.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Goat.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Woodpecker; your plant is Wild Rose.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 Tammuz 5751.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 28 Tammuz 5751.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.18.4.2 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 18 tun 4 uinal 2 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Tuesday, 26 Dhi'l-Hijjih 1411 (1411-12-26).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 31 March 1991.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 7 April 1991.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 13 February 1991.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 19 May 1991.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 26 May 1991.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 10 September 1991.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Sunday, 31 March 1991.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 12 February 1991.

As of 7/23/2007 6:49:20 AM EDT
You are 16 years old.
You are 192 months old.
You are 837 weeks old.
You are 5,858 days old.
You are 140,598 hours old.
You are 8,435,929 minutes old.
You are 506,155,760 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Fred Savage (1976) Courtney Love (1964) Kelly McGillis (1957)
Tom Hanks (1956) Jimmy Smits (1955) John Tesh (1952)
O.J. Simpson (1947) Ed Ames (1927) Nicola Tesla (1856)

Top songs of 1991
I Do It for You by Bryan Adams I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
Gonna Make You Sweat by C & C Music Factory Rush, Rush by Paula Abdul
One More Try by Timmy T. Unbelievable by EMF
More Than Words by Extreme I Like the Way by Hi-Five
The First Time by Surface Baby Baby by Amy Grant

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 2.29275929549902 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 352 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 17 candles.

Those 17 candles produce 17 BTUs,
or 4,284 calories of heat (that's only 4.2840 food Calories!) .
You can boil 1.94 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1991 there were approximately 4.1 million births in the US.
In 1991 the US population was approximately 248,709,873 people, 70.3 persons per square mile.
In 1991 in the US there were 2,371,000 marriages (9.4%) and 1,187,000 divorces (4.7%)
In 1991 in the US there were approximately 2,148,000 deaths (8.6 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1991 the population of Australia was approximately 17,387,023.
In 1991 there were approximately 257,247 births in Australia.
In 1991 in Australia there were approximately 113,869 marriages and 45,652 divorces.
In 1991 in Australia there were approximately 119,146 deaths.

Your birthstone is Ruby

The Mystical properties of Ruby

Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Carnelian

Your birth tree is

Fir Tree, the Mysterious
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

There are 155 days till Christmas 2007!
There are 168 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

what my name means.

2007-07-23T18:46:00.000+08:00

There are 27 letters in your name.
Those 27 letters total to 111
There are 14 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:Latin Male Small.
Latin Female Small.
Italian Female Little.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.

The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

what a day!

2007-07-15T17:02:00.001+08:00

hmm.. nakakapagod kahapon! until now, i feel so sleepy. i haven't even started my TLE homework!

i went to school at about a quarter to eight para hindi ma-late sa wizard class ko. ayoko pa namang mapagalitan ni sir dixie! >.< tapos aun, medyo okay naman ung class eh. un nga lang, overtime nanaman kami. basta! may reason kung bakit. nag-excuse na lang ako nun.

nung nakaalis na ako dun, pinuntahan ko parents ko sa parking ng school. i changed my outfit sa car na. i used my new gold peep-toe flats, and my purple dress.. cute! aun, my dad left the car in ADB and we headed to DLSU na. pinasa na namin application form ko and i have my exam permit na. ang aga ng exam ko! 8:00-12:30noon on October 7. naku! sunday nanaman! parang sa UPCAT lang. :D

tas aun, bumalik kami sa ortigas, ate at megamall, took the car at nag-ikot kami sa UP. para lang ma-familiarize at di mawala on Aug. 5. :D

we went back to ADB and waited for my mom.

when she went out na, we headed straight sa glorietta. magddinner daw kami with the whole family there. aun. basta. un na un. haha! gulo ba? medyo bangag ako ngayon eh. anyway, pag punta namin dun, ang una kong naisip eh si patrick. kasi that's where we went the last time na lumabas kami. and because taga-makati rin siya, and i know lagi silang nandun. i hoped i would see him, but i didn't :'(

we were eating na nun. eh medyo nabusog ng maaga. ate pau, louis, ako, france and lance went to g4 muna. syempre, bagsak namin, timezone. :D ang kulit nga eh. ilang beses nag-initial D ung mag-kuya. tapos lagi nawawala si france and lance >.<

we went back to our family na nung wala na kaming magawa. tapos we went out to a cafe [ung ucc near starbucks] and stayed there till midnight. grabe! pagod! bagsak! T_T until now, sleepy parin.

here are some of the pics from yesterday:

so, what is it then?

2007-07-12T20:24:00.000+08:00

how would you feel if you find out that all this time, you don't really know why your friend is avoiding you? it sucks, right? but is there anything we can do? we can do one thing: get the courage to walk up to him and talk to him. but it doesn't always work. in order to fix the problem, the other person must be willing to resolve it, too.

for almost two years, i thought i know why my boybud is avoiding me. un pala, mali akala ko. my friend, who happens to be his seatmate, asked him if that [my reason] was why he's avoiding me. he said 'no'. if not, then what is it? that's the only thing i know that might have started the gap!

right now, i'm confused. i more willing to talk to him now, since i'm getting curious of what his reason may be. ano kaya un? siguraduhin lang niyang valid reason niya. kung hindi, isa lang ibig sabihin nun.. he didn't value our friendship.

sweet sixteen..ü

2007-07-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

. 09 july, 2007 .

weee! sweet sixteen na ako!

saya ng day ko.. ehehe.. obviously, na-late nanaman ako ng post.. anyway, muntikan na akong ma-late sa school.. there wasn't much to say during the assembly.. pagpasok sa classroom, aun! they sang (iv - angeline) "happy birthday" to me.. hehe..

the only thing i got pissed at about today was when raj pulled me inside iv-clare.. classmate niya si janine and si joshua.. obviously, he didn't pull me inside for janine.. he pulled me to joshua! >.<

but enough about that.. mahaba-haba pa dapat toh eh.. pero tinatamad ako mag-type kasi inaantok na ako.. nakakapagod ang CAT ngayon! T_T

do you know what made me smile the whole entire day? Patrick greeted me nung midnight...ü

i shouldn't have asked for it

2007-07-06T20:11:00.000+08:00

"what you want doesn't necessarily mean that's what you need..."

natuloy ung plan namin ni janine kanina. i was hoping it wouldn't, 'cause again, i was nervous. as in kinakabahan ako! buti na lang ang daming lumapit sakin para magpatulong sa caf. nung closed na ung library, akala ko uuwi na kami, hindi pa pala.

pinilit ni janine si joshua na makipag-usap sakin. leading him to trapping himself inside the boys' cr. ewan! dun ako nainis eh. what's the point of running away from me? bakit, may kasalanan ka ba sakin?! galit ka ba sakin!? may nagawa ba akong masama sayo!? sana naman sabihin mo dba? kesa naman nagmumukha akong tanga dito!!!

naiiyak na ako nun, nung nakalabas na ng cr si joshua, ako naman ung pumasok! (pasensya na, nature has been calling me eh.. ^_^V) aun, dun na rin ako nagtago kasi napansin kong umiiwas siya. ung para bang napipilitan lang siyang magstay sa school. tas i kept on hearing janine telling him to say "hi!" or greet me a "happy birthday!" parang ang plastik naman nun kung ginawa niya un. kasi kung ginawa niya un, it'll only mean na ginawa niya un out of anger? or pity? or whatsoever! pilit eh! grrrr... ewan ko...

di ako galit sa kanya.. galit ako sa ginawa niya!

ganito ba talaga kalalabasan ng birthday ko?!

sweet sixteen in 4 days! :)

2007-07-05T22:20:00.000+08:00

waaaaah! i'm turning 16! :) hulaan niyo kung kelan! :D

i'd rather be in love

2007-07-01T20:39:00.000+08:00

I'd Rather Be In Love - Michelle Branch

I cannot help it,
I couldn't stop it if I tried,
the same old heart beat fills the emptiness I have inside,
and I've heard that you can't fight love so I won't complain
Cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on.

Cause when there's you,
I feel whole,
and there's no better feeling in the world,
but without you,
I'm alone,
and I'd rather be in love,
with you.

Turn out the lights now,
to see is to believe,
I just want you near me,
I just want you here with me,
and I'd give up everything only for you,
it's the least that I could do.

Cause when there's you,
I feel whole,
and there's no better feeling in the world,
but without you,
I'm alone,
and I'd rather be in love,
yes I'd rather be in love,
with you.

And I feel you holding me.

Why are we afraid to be in love,
to be loved,
I can't explain it,
I know it's tough, to be loved.

And I feel you holding me.

Cause when there's you,
I feel whole,
and there's no better feeling in the world,
but without you,
I'm alone,
and I'd rather be in love,
yes I'd rather be in love,
oh I'd rather be in love,
with you.

And I feel you holding me

patrick, read the words. listen to the song. this is for you. :)

do dreams come true? i hope not...

2007-07-01T20:35:00.000+08:00

do dreams come true? regardless if it's good or bad?

last night, i had a bad dream. i KNOW it's a bad dream, i woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. immediately, i prayed to God and my initial thought was to pray for me, my family, and patrick.

i admit, i can't forget what i dreamt about. but i knew it's something bad. something that i wouldn't want to have. something i wouldn't want to happen.

the moment i woke up, i began to feel scared, and nervous. di ko ma-explain eh. sana kaya ko siyang i-explain, pero hindi.i couldn't contain myself. i constantly talked to God and asked Him for help.

whatever that dream is, i hope it'll just stay as it is.

CAT

2007-06-26T18:37:00.000+08:00

wait, before anything else. kwento ko muna sa inyo ung nangyari the moment na pinatay ko ung pc ko.

-.- june 25 2007 -.-

3rd monthsary namin dba? kakatapos ko lang mag-update ng blog nun. edi aun, punta na ako agad sa room ko. inayos ko gamit ko for school. tapos nag-review ako para sa would-be quizzes ko. tas biglang may nagtext sakin. waaaaaaaah! si patrick!! (para akong timang, nae-excite tuwing nagttxt bf ko :D eh kasi naman, minsan lang siya magtext.)

anyway, back to today...

CAT namin ngayon. OMG! ilagay daw ba ako sa charlie?! charlie-1 ako. hindi lang ako ung nagulat, gulat na gulat friends ko. kasi sa charlie daw ung may mga sakit, or may mga asthma. eh hindi naman ako sakitin, wala rin naman akong asthma. ewan ko ba. basta ang alam ko charlie-1 ako. aniello pa nga eh, ang dami sa charlie-1. pareho kami ni janine! :D

since same platoon kami, napag-usapan namin ung tungkol kay josh. aba! nagplano ba naman. mag-uusap na daw kami bukas. X(

the sweetest things in life

2007-06-25T19:20:00.000+08:00

happy 3 months patrick!Ü
i wish i could be there with you right now...
i'm missing you lots!
i love you...ü

The sweetest things in life,
Is knowing that i have you there by my side
those moments together, i will forever treasure
sweet memories of ours will last forever..

The sweetest things in life,
Is having someone to talk to at night..
To share our bittersweet days...
Someone who can charm us in any way..

The sweetest things in life,
Is knowing that you are not alone..
That someone is there by your side..
In times of loneliness and cold..

The sweetest thing in MY life,
Is knowing that I'm yours and you're mine..
Our special bond will bind us through..
No one can break us apart as we say "i love you..."

3 months na kami! gawd, i'm soo happy na binati niya ako nung midnight! tinext ko kasi siya eh. di naman ako naghihintay ng reply galing sa kanya, kaya nag-internet ako para antukin. nung inaantok na ako, may 2 txts akong na-receive. ung friend ko, binati kami ni patrick. haha! midnight niya kami binati. :D tas binati rin niya ako.:) that made my day so good.ü

2 days and counting

2007-06-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

2 days and counting.. 3 months na kami.. but still no word from him.. :'(

i went to the Ateneo this morning. nagbayad na kami ng admission fee tas kinuha na namin ung application form ko. grabe, i'll be making an essay pa! kasama sa application un! X(

tas we headed to gateway sa cubao. kasi opening ng ncaa ngayon. since taga-benilde si ate, nanuod siya. i think ni-require sila kaya ganun. aun, kumain kami sa breadtalk (sarap ng choco mousse!), then headed sa taco bell sa taas and i bought a blizzard from dairy queen. nung nagkita na ate ko pati blockmate niya, pumunta na kami sa house ng cousins ko sa roxas.

aun, tumambay muna dun. hehe. pumayat si lance! at nagpagupit pa. si louis naman, may pasok sa feu, kaya mga 3pm pa namin siya nakita. konting kwentuhan lang kasi after how many minutes, sinundo na namin si ate. game1 lang naman pinanuod niya eh. (talo JRU sa SBC.)

now, i'm thinking of pj while filling-up my application form for the Ateneo. by next month, sa LaSalle naman ako pupunta to pay for the admission fee and to get the application form. haii. sana pumasa ako sa universities na aaplyan ko. pero siyempre, priority ko DLSU. dun ko gusto mag-aral eh.:) second choice ko ung AdMU, then UP, then UST.

hope i pass the dls-cet!

patrick, i miss you na... :'( would you talk to me on the 25th?

meditate?!

2007-06-18T17:14:00.000+08:00

first monday ko sa school. phew! muntik nanaman ako ma-late! haha. buti na lang hindi.

aun, when i got off the car, i saw nikki agad. edi tinawag ko siya then sabay kami pumasok ng school. while walking papuntang gym, usap-usap lang kami. hehe. syempre, the usual. she asked me about pj din. ewan ko kung bakit. anyway, aun, we were hearing na magsstart na ung assembly. O.o edi nagmadali na ako! pagpasok ko sa gym, sinong nasa harap ko?! edi si "then-boybud-na-super-iwas-ang-drama-sakin" ever. haha! aun, edi nagulat ako. nag-excuse me pa nga ako eh. kasi ba naman, di ako makapunta sa section ko. harang siya eh! X(

medyo matagal-tagal din ung assembly. pinakilala lang sa students ung respective teachers namin for our subjects this SY.

we have 2 physics teachers for 2 different periods ever single day. o dba? haha. san ka pa? 40 min. each teacher. at ung 2 teachers na un, same subject, everyday namin makikita. i don't know why we have 2 teachers for physics, tulad lang ng last year. 2 teachers namin sa chem, si msMyrla and mrsAnnie. msMyrla more on lecture, while mrsAnnie more on computation. this year, i don't know why talaga. may assignment na nga uli kami eh X( well, surely, this will be a very interesting year.

sa statistics naman, ok lang. :) may mga natakot mag-recite (isama mo na ako dun) kasi baka maging "out"-standing student pag di nakasagot. eh kilala ako ng teacher, haha, aun, tinawag niya ako. buti naman at may nasagot ako. :)

algebra? parang ni-relive ko lang ung LSC days ko last summer. hehe. my review classes paid off! naalala ko lahat ng tinackle namin dun at na-apply ko naman sa class kanina! :)

cl/v [religion], was the most interesting class today. nag-meditate kami kanina. hehe. aun, our teacher took us back when we were in 1st year, 2nd year and when we were in our 3rd year. he told us to think about, or reminisce about the most unforgettable days on those 3 years. di ko naman alam na magre-recite after. aun, he asked us kung ano ung pinaka-memorable, since katabi lang ng armchair ko ung teachers table (literally!), narinig niya ako when i said "2nd year." aun tuloy, ako tuloy ung tinawag. haha. then i made kwento (waw! conyo tayo today ah. haha.) sabi ko "when we were in 2nd year, nakaaway ko ung bestfriend ko. eh that day was the battle of the brains for 3rd qtr. i got affected to the point na natalo ako sa contest >.< pero after the contest, dun naman kami nagkabati. hehe. 'cause he knew that i could win it but i lost." haii. miss ko na tuloy si boybud. haha.

haiii... i miss blogging. :( i miss my bloggie! naku, busy-busyhan nanaman ako. lalo na this year. senior na eh. ugh... we heard from ALOT of teachers that much is expected from us. ayan nanaman ang mga expectations! XD

before doing my hw, eto muna. last na. i got tagged eh. :( si jean kasi.. :P haha..

Each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end, you need to choose 5 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1) i HATE catsup.
- i never really liked it.

2) i seldom talk to myself.
- pag may naiisip ako, bigla na lang ako magsasalita. hehe.

3) i bury my head with pillows when i sleep.ü

4) i have a dozen (literally) pillows on my bed.
- not counted pa ung stuffed toys. (i have less than 5 naman)

5) (others say) i look more mature than my ate daw. :(
- patrick told me that its meant as a compliment when he told me this. eh pano naman ung ibang tao!?

6) i treat my stuffed toy pook as my baby.ü
- bakit? daddy nga nun si patrick eh. hehe. ask him pa!

7) i keep a diary.
- i'm used to opening up to people, but i choose on who i should confide. if those people are not around, i'm much comfortable writing my thoughts rather than keeping it to myself or telling them to others.

8) i own a number of notebooks of poetry.
- i write poetry! and because of that, marami na akong nabiling notebook. haha! i guess i have 5-7 notebooks already.

9) i'm sociable, i'm friendly, but i don't want to "be friendly" to people first.
- i'm really friendly. but i'm shy rin. di ako sanay na ako ung gagawa ng "first move" sa friendship. that's where my shyness kicks in. hehe. but when i become your friend, i'm your friend till the end. :)

10) i keep secrets. and when i say "secret", i literally and seriously mean that i'll keep it a secret.
- some people kasi, sometimes nadudulas sila. not knowing na nasasabi nila secrets ng iba. ako naman hindi. when i say "i'll keep it a secret", i will really do. pag di ko na kaya itago, sasabihin ko na lang dun sa nagsabi sakin. haha.

11) i'd pick skirts and shorts over jeans any day!
- i'm much comfortable in them. pag walang skirts or shorts, dress! pag wala ung 3, dun lang ako magj-jeans. hehe.

12) i don't study a day before a quiz in math.
- i dunno why. naba-blangko ako eh.

13) i want to be alone.
- pag gabi, i just sit on my bed, watch tv/listen to the radio/do my hw and close the door.

14) i seldom have crushes/get infatuated, but when i fall in love, i fall deeply.
- when im in love, i don't get infatuated with anyone. it's not bad naman to get infatuated when in love, kasi infatuation lang un, dba? pero ewan. hanggang "ok, cute/hot/gwapo siya." ganyan lang ako. haha.

15) i know when something is wrong, and when it is, i usually know that i'm right.
- i hate it when that time comes and i know that something's wrong sa loved ones ko. i worry ALOT about them. i treasure them deeply.

ok. that's 15. the last time, (ung kay yanna) 6 lang ata. ngayon nadagdagan ng 9. haha! i'll be tagging beachbabe mackee, ninang thea, yanna, jetjet and mau.ü

angeline '07-'08

2007-06-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

first day of school. excited? not as excited as i was last year.

that's my section. angeline. iv - angeline. di ako sanay. haha! namimiss ko pa ung agatha. iii - agatha peepz, miss ko na kayo!!!

i saw my boybud again. hehe. well, i should say "then" boybud. si "mr.-umiiwas-sakin-for-no-valid-reason-for-the-past-two-consecutive-years" years, not school years, years.

classmate ko (from agatha) si alroze, pam b., pati si isjan. ang konti namin noh? haii. tapos classmate ko rin sina philip, p3, czar jan, dennisse, mikolo, diane, etc. grabe! 3 years kong kaklase si alroze. ahaha! since our aniello days hanggang angeline.

anyway, there's nothing much to say since half day lang kami. will i enjoy this SY? hopefully. this is my LAST YEAR in HS, i'm hoping it would be the best!

*wishes/hopes*
- get good grades esp. in physics, adv. algebra, and stat
- have fun this year
- have a happy and cool prom!
- have patrick as my promdate! <33
- fieldtrips?
- last retreat in ihmc, sana masaya like last year
- (kahit na ilang ulit ko ng sinabi na ayaw ko...) magkaayos kami ni josh
- maayos ang problem ni patrick and we'll be together uli. :))

was that only for yesterday?

2007-06-12T11:34:00.000+08:00

sorry. meant to update my blog yesterday. but i was so caught up with the moment

-.- 11 June 2007 -.-

i woke up thinking it was just another ordinary day. (ordinary: think about him and worry about him alot) i woke up about 9 in the morning. I ate my breakfast and went inside my ate's room to surf the net.

at about 11 am, ate ai told us that we were about to eat lunch (an hour early. haha.). by the time i finished my meal, my phone kept ringing. i saw there were 4 missed calls (all from janine), and 5 text messages. and 1 of them were from patrick!

i didn't waste any time. i replied to him. the whole afternoon, i was texting him. i was soo happy he texted me! :D i asked him about his problem, he said it was a family problem. i wanted to know what it was but he said, "wag mo na lang alamin. malalaman mo rin un pag ~~hindi ko na-solve~~" it only means that he hasn't solved his problem completely. :'( but he said he is solving it.

after a few minutes, someone called up our house. when i answered it, immediately, i knew it was patrick. but since he was trying to look for my sister, i just tried to get along with whatever he's planning to do. after some time, he talked to me na. haha.

i missed him. period.

if i would explain what i miss, it would take a lot of space in my blog. because, i just simply miss my patrick jefferson topacio!

that phone call made me remember all those fone calls we had when it was still his vacation. from the week before my final exams in my 3rd year until the day before his first day in lasalle (may22), it all came back to me.

honestly, i didn't want the day to end. i was hoping that i was just living in makati, next door to his house. or i was wishing that i was already in college, living in a boarding house, particularly, their house. so that i would know how he is, if he's okay or not. so that i wouldn't be so paranoid not knowing what's happening to him!

gawd, i soo miss my baby! i admit, this situation is hard. but i don't care how hard it is. no matter what, i'm still going to be waiting for him. i KNOW he can fix his problem. i KNOW he can solve his problem. all i have to do is just believe in him. and pray. pray that everything will be alright. :)

now, he's not texting me again.... :'(

i love you so much patrick! i won't leave your side...

spy mode

2007-06-07T10:42:00.000+08:00

-.- 06 june, 2007 -.-

janine (my bestfriend) and i had a plan the night before. mamaya na un.

she picked me up at my house at about 10:30am. first, we went to her mom's office and dropped of her gym things. after that, she called up their driver and we went to LaSalle (yup! DLSU manila). i was getting kinda nervous. what if i see him? what will i do? what if i don't see him? waaaah!!

when we got there, we were looking for a parking slot in mcdo. grabe! ang daming kumakain dun! eh tabihan ba naman ng mcdo ung dlsu at tapatan ba naman nun ung csb, syempre maraming kakain dun! we saw this guy wearing a navy blue shirt. di namin nakita face niya. but from the way he walks to how he fixed his hair, parang si patrick talaga! we went around the drive-thru and parked somewhere near. (still inside the mcdo area, though) natatagalan na kami ni janine. we waited for the guy to come out, but he didn't. nung pabalik na kami sa office ng mom niya, i turned around, and i saw this guy wearing a yellow shirt, khaki shorts, and has a green jacket hanged on his shoulder. gawd, si patrick un!!

i admit, i didn't know what was going on my mind. i felt happy, yet sad, a lil' angry, but overall, i knew i missed him so much! i wanted to hug him, i wanted to hold him, i wanted to talk to him! but something inside felt like it's wrong, that i shouldn't do it. i don't know. so, i got satisfied with just looking at him. at least i saw him, dba?

he didn't know i was just beside him when they stopped for awhile beside the car. he didn't know his gf was just right beside him.

janine told me that he wants to tell me not to worry about him, 'cause he's okay. he told me that he's having a problem and that he's trying his very best to fix it, but he doesn't want me to know what it is. my bestfriend told me that he wanted to tell me that he misses me, and he loves me.

the longer this takes, the more i worry about him. the more i miss him. the more i want to hear his voice once again. ugh.... i'm hoping whatever problem he may have, he can resolve it.

"baby, whatever it is, don't give up. don't give up on fixing it. maaayos rin toh. magkakausap uli tayo. magkakasama uli.ü just please don't give up. always remember, i'm here for you, i'm not giving up on you, not giving up on me, and not giving up on US..

i love you so much baby!"

am i being paranoid?

2007-06-04T19:05:00.000+08:00

seriously, am i being paranoid?

honestly, i don't know what to do. tama ba toh? o baka OA na talaga ako? 5 days na. 5 days na niya akong hindi tinetext o tinatawagan or whatsoever! kinakabahan na ako. di ko alam kung ok lang siya o hindi. di ko alam kung may sakit ba siya o wala. o kung may nangyari na ba sa kanyang masama. kinakabahan ako.

honestly, sana lang talaga, di niya ako pinagpalit. :'( naiiyak na ako. di ko na alam iisipin ko!!!

last day in LSC..

2007-05-31T20:40:00.000+08:00

wow! last day ko na.. weee! as expected, i didn't make any friends.. i don't know why. i didn't have the urge to talk to someone, (except when my pen fell down or if my seatmate needs something frome me.) taray ba? eh pano ba naman, they were a group of friends na pala! nahihiya ako. (may hiya pa naman ako noh! :P) hehe..

aun, we took the UPCAT simulated test today. super higpit when it comes to the time! kung hanggang 9:30, 9:30 lang talaga! grabe.. eh hanggang 12:00nn lang, nung noon na, wala na, pasahan na talaga ng papers (buti na lang natapos ko!:) )

ang hirap nga eh! lalo na ung math and science problems na ginawa nilang tagalog (yup! you read it right. tagalog nga!) and hindi un konti, ha? marami rin un! >.<

carry ko naman. :) pero pagdating ko sa elevator (nasa 8th flr kasi ung ng bldg), naku! dun na sumakit ulo ko. as in feeling ko talaga ang bigat-bigat ng ulo ko! >.< nagmadali na lang ako pumunta sa adb to meet up with my mom.

nung dumating na ako, aun, we headed straight sa megamall at kumain kami sa ohana. tinext ni mommy si daddy, kaya aun, sumunod samin si dad. medyo matagal nga eh. matatapos na akong kumain di pa siya nakakrating. >.<

anyway, we watched Mr.Bean's Holiday (funny movie! watch it! :D) tas i bought a housing for my old cp unit. bumalik ako sa adb and after a couple of hours, umuwi na..

grabe, di ko pa nga natetext si patrick eh. di pa rin niya ako natetext. :(

*sana pumasa ako sa test!*

UPCAT

2007-05-30T22:13:00.000+08:00

last day ko na sa lsc bukas. UPCAT simulated test pa! >.< kayanin ko kaya? pano pag bumagsak ako? waaah! di ko kaya un! :'(

the entry with no title

2007-05-30T22:07:00.000+08:00

ate ko, pinapansin niya. best friend ko, pinapansin niya. status niya, feeling ko pinapatamaan niya blockmate niya. paano na ako?! :'( di ba niya ako napapansin? ako na nga tong araw-araw nagpapaalala sa kanya na mag-ingat siya... ako ung araw-araw na tinetext niya.. pero wala eh.. :'(

2007-05-29T15:41:00.000+08:00

i just want to share this to you.. this is my poem for pj and i's 2nd monthsary.. di pa niya alam toh kasi lagi siya busy eh..

- a promise -
a couple of days went by
and i crave to hear your voice
all that's left behind
are pieces and thoughts of our choice

i linger to hear you speak
for days now, i feel weak
this undying devotion bound us as one
our promise has been said and done

just patiently waiting for your call
this girl has completely fallen
in your arms, i surrender
until eternity, we'll be together..

but as distance plays a hindrance
and only a handful do we get a chance
i live by our promise
no one will ever let go..

wag ka nang umiyak - sugarfree

2007-05-26T21:03:00.000+08:00

this is my one of my songs for my baby.ü

Wag ka nang umiyak, sa mundong pabago-bago
PAG-IBIG KO AY TOTOO
ako ang iyong bangka, kung magalit man
ang alon, ng panahon, sabay tayong aahon

[chorus]
Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin, kapit ka sa akin
Di kita bibitawan

Wag kang umiyak, mahaba man ang araw
uuwi ka sa yakap ko
wag mo nang damdamin kung wala ako sayong tabi
iiwan kong puso ko sa yo
at kung pakiramdam mo’y wala ka nang kakampi
isipin mo ako dahil puso’t isip ko’y
nasa yong tabi
[repeat chorus]

di kita pababayaan

Kapit ka, kumapit ka
(para sa buhay ng buhay ko)

i'm still here for you...

2007-05-26T20:42:00.000+08:00

parang continuation lang toh ng entry ko last night..

*listening to "wag ka nang umiyak" by sugarfree*

"hindi kita bibitawan....."

i was hoping for a text from him earlier this morning, 'cause he always texts me when he wakes up. but i think he got upset with me and didn't even bother to text me. :( but i didn't let it bother me, i still texted him when i woke up.

by lunch time, i heard my fone ring, it was him. missed call. i texted him but he didn't reply, so i called him up. but the line was kinda choppy, so we put it down. i asked him why he called up. he said he wanted to ask how i was and he wanted to know if he still has load. so, i tried to put up a conversation. but, he didn't reply after the 2nd text.

when we [family] were about to go to ortigas, i texted him just so he knows where i am. still no reply. then it began to rain, we went inside the car [btw, we were in ortigas 'cause we were gonna fetch my mom from her office. she went OT.]. since it was raining, my dad and my mom agreed that we'd eat dinner in market!market! upon arriving, we [my ate and i] just sat at the table, then my fone started to ring again. it was him.ü i was so happy to hear his voice! but we couldn't understand what the other was talking about. then the phone line got cut. he texted me telling me that he thought he called up his classmate [since they have a batch party right now], but instead, he dialled my number. that was ok for me. at least i got to hear his voice.

just a few minutes ago, i texted him when i got home. i asked him where he is. and he told me they were about to go to bedspace [greenbelt]. so, i told him 'ok.. ingat ka baby.ü" i wasn't expecting any reply from him since usually, he doesn't reply whenever i text those things. but just awhile ago, he did.ü just asking me what im doing. i don't know if he'll reply [i hope he will :(].

i admit, i AM sad, i DO miss him. i'm just not used to it. having a college guy [who obviously is so busy] for have a boyfriend. i'm just here, waiting for him, understanding him, and being patient. i'm doing everything that i have to do for him, and believe it or not, i'm not asking anything in return. [i used to be the girl who asks for something in return, but i changed. i don't know what made me change, but i changed.] 'cause if you love someone, you'd do anything for him on your own will, and not expecting nor asking for anything in return.

still, i'm here, being patient and understanding him. if he needs me, expect it that i'll be there for him no matter what. why? simple. because i love him.ü

i miss ...

2007-05-26T11:04:00.000+08:00

i miss him badly. :( grabe, imagine, kinaya ko ung 2 days na hindi siya nagtetext. pero kagabi, siyempre hindi ko kaya kasi monthsary namin un. i asked my bestfriend (while we were talking) to call up his # and ask him if he's busy or not, and if he has load. nagkausap sila, he wasn't busy, and yes, he has load. :(

nung binaba na namin ung fone, magy-ym dapat kami. eh before i got logged in, nag-ring ung fone, hoping na siya un. siya nga!:) pero, ya, iba naman napag-usapan namin. mas marami kaming pinag-usapan about other stuff instead of kami lang.

*sorry ah, medyo selfish lang talaga ako pag special day namin. ewan ko kung bakit.*

tas nasaktan ako (or nagselos) nung nalaman ko na ung lagi niyang kasama sa school ay babae. :( mas marami naman guys dun, bat di nalang guys kasama niya? :( pero inintindi ko na lang siya. he asked me questions like ~~"pano pag sinabi ko sayo na ayaw kita makita?"~~ or ~~"pano pag sinabi ko sayo na 'i don't love you anymore'?"~~ dba ang sakit?! :'( di ko na kinaya un.. umiyak na ako!

i wanted to tell him how i felt. pero pinapatulog na siya kasi may parang rotc siya every saturday. eh ang pangit nung pagsabi niya ng "bilisan mo." when i told him i was going to tell him something. tapos hindi pa ako tapos sasabihin niya "un lang ba?" ako, inintindi ko nalang siya. college na siya eh. lagi na siyang busy. pero ang gusto ko lang naman, onting pag-iintindi rin sa nararamdaman ko. :(

tagged!

2007-05-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

oh well.. dadaan na nga lang sa blog ko si yanna, magta-tag pa! haha.. joke! (luv u yanna!) i think i'm supposed to write 6 weird facts about me.. hmm....

[.6 weird facts about bianca.]
1) i used to eat apples with salt. - don't get me wrong. i wasn't hallucinating and thinking that the apple was a mango. it tasted good actually. :) try niyo! wag niyo lang sobrahan ung salt.:D
2) i HATE catsup
- tomato catsup, banana catsup, or whatever! i just don't like catsup. :)
3) does listening to mushy love songs when you're depressed make me weird?
- no explanation. i just love love songs. (shh! quiet ha.. secret natin un.. hehe.. :p)
4)i pretend to be happy when i'm not.
5) i smile when i have a problem
- well, no one has ever noticed it. well, i guess there's one. :) he knows who he is.
6) i get hyper when i drink milo.
- weird ba? haha! dba people usually get active/awake when they drink coffee? in my case, milo. :)

now, am i weird? hehe.. those are just 6.. imagine when i tell you everything! joke! :)

seminar or review?

2007-05-21T16:59:00.000+08:00

i went to the student council seminar kanina. im part of the committee kasi eh. pero before that, obviously, i was having a hard time deciding where to go (hence the title). pero i decided sa seminar na lang.

sana tama desisyon ko. =/ my parents kinda got mad at me. kanina sabi nila "gagawa-gawa ng responsibilidad, hindi naman kaya..." eh hindi ko naman hiningi un eh! kasalanan ko bang tumakbo ako sa student council? kasalanan ko ba na gusto ko lang maging part? tsaka, di ko naman alam na may seminar sa may NA kasabay ng review ko until kagabi. kasalanan ko pa ba yun?

was it my fault?

2007-05-20T19:26:00.000+08:00

i told you guys about the "g4 gimik", right? i thought that day would turn out pretty well - that nothing would or COULD go wrong - i guess, i was wrong.

in my part (and my ate's, janine's, and patrick's part), everything went well. for us, wala namang nangyaring ikina-badtrip namin. pero, di kami lahat ganun.

janine and i were planning this day before pa, but we didn't have a specific date. since nabanggit ko toh sa cousin ko (and him & janine have a "thing" for each other), siya na nag-arrange. all i had to do was to let janine know.

the plan was to hang out at g4 on the 16th of May. tulad ng sabi ko, they have a "thing" for each other and i didn't want to feel left out, they told me to bring patrick along (weee!) :) so, i asked him if he could go. eh narinig ni ate, she wanted to come, so hinayaan namin siya ni louis. so that's 5 people hanging out on May16.

before that day, ininvite ni janine si dirv, kasi di pa sila nagkikita. like us (kami ni dirv), di pa sila nagkikita ni janine after knowing each other for about a year. now, there are 6 people hanging out on May16.

on that day itself, super aga ng pinsan ko. si janine, mga 11am na nakarating, ako mga past noon, si dirv a few minutes after i arrived, si patrick mga 1 or 2, si moric mga 3. o dba, hiwa-hiwalay kami lahat! haha.

obviously, patrick noticed that my cousin wasn't feeling well. napansin ko na rin nung nabanggit niya un sakin. pero, what can i do? i cant barge between janine and moric since that would be interrupting whatever it is they're talking about.

nalaman ko na lang sa pinsan ko na he's not mad at moric nor dirv. he's mad at the fact that janine had to call them up in front of him, when it was just the two of them in glorietta! i don't know. i don't want to point fingers nor take sides, both of them are really close to me.

pero, was it my fault? (napagalitan na ako ni patrick for asking this 'cause he said it wasn't my fault) if it wasn't for me, di sila magkakakilala. but, still, how would it be? they should've done something while they were together.. right? right? =/

from ortigas to ayala

2007-05-16T20:29:00.001+08:00

today, was somewhat hectic.

late ako sa review class ko. grr! >.< i had a blast naman. we had seating arrangements and seatmates ko 2 girls from spcp. sabi nung teacher, the whole session (until last class namin) un daw seating arrangement namin. we had 4 quizzes sa english ngayon. >.< pero kaya ko naman. :)

nung last quiz namin, call ng call si janine. magkasama na pala sila ni louis sa breadtalk! so i had to walk fast papuntang adb. pagdating ko, nasa lobby si mommy. she gave us (ate and i) both P500. hinatid na rin niya kami sa mrt.

pagdating namin dun. we waited for dirv for about 3mins. i really wanted patrick to come so i asked help from janine. she talked to him nga eh. hehe! after that, we ate at the foodcourt sa may g4. i bought food sa dencio's; ate, louis and janine bought food from the house of mini's while dirv didn't eat. after lunch, nagstay muna kami dun for how many minutes. patrick was asking me where i am specifically. so i was having the idea na pupunta siya. since papunta kami sa timezone, that's what i said.

pagdating sa timezone, tinreat ko ng 100 si louis. tas nag-initial d sila ni ate. since na-bore ako, pinuntahan namin ni nin si dirv kasi nagtetekken siya. ate texted me where i was so nagreply ako. lumingon ako to see if she's there pero instead, SI PATRICK NAKITA KO! :)

nagulat ako and i was happy.. :) umupo kami ni nin sa starbucks kasi dun niya imi-meet si moric. nagpasama si dirv sa labas kasi magy-yb siya, sinamahan siya ni patrick. i was so happy to know that my ate, my bestfriend, and my cousin loves patrick for me. :)

we watched shrek3. moric, janine, louis, ate pau, ako at patrick, that's the seating arrangement. ang kulit nga eh! hehe. i bought candies. :) so, binigyan ko si patrick. ayaw niya kunin, edi sinubuan ko siya. haha! everytime i give him food, lagi ko siya sinusubuan. :) tas nilalambing niya ako. he leaned over me. i leaned over him. we locked hands (locked, as in locked!) the whole time we were inside. and... we kissed...:) the sweetest thing he did was when he whipered "i love you..ü"

after the movie, ikot ikot lang. i noticed my cousin wasn't feeling well 'cause he planned this day for him and my bestfriend (kaya ako nandun kasi gusto nila, eh yaw ko ma-OP dinala ko si patrick!). ang tamlay nga niya eh. patrick noticed, i noticed, unfortunately, janine didn't. :'(

haii.. this was the longest time we've been together.:) ang kulit nga eh. when i found out my mom was in mcdo, i asked for a kiss. he gave me his cheek and i kissed him!

when we parted, i texted him "baby, thanks for comingü i love you!" and he replied "i love you, too!"

happy mother's day! happy 18th anniversary to my parents, too!

2007-05-14T09:53:00.000+08:00

*late entry*

my mom woke us up past 7am. i remembered mother's day and anniv nila ni dad. so, binati ko sila. :) after i took a bath, mga 8am, patrick called (sa wakas!). i was so happy seeing his name calling my number, imagine, two days without contact with him!? nag-alala talaga ako. 'cause i don't know kung kamusta siya eh.

we went to church at about 9am. ang init! ang init rin sa church. grabe! tas may weekly announcement sila. pati ung sa election, inannounce nila. so, wala rin. ehehe. my mom bought food sa flea market near the church. bumili kami ni ate ng dunkin donuts (since may kiosk dun) and mango shake. eh titignan pa nila ung list kung san ung precinct nila (nasa church kasi eh.. dunno why), kaya nauna na kami pauwi ni ate.

after eating lunch, nakatulog ako. i wasn't feeling well eh. the next thing i knew, my mom was talking to tita ve sa phone. making kwento about sa family here sa pinas. lalo ako nagising kasi biglang nagtext si patrick. he apologized for not texting. i understand him naman, i always do..ü they went to sm bacoor 'cause his bro was there daw.

we went to harbour square sa roxas blvd to eat dinner. sumunod dun si tita tats pati ung mga ramos. hehe. habang wala pa sila, tinreat kami ni tita tats sa fruitas! earlier, nagplay ung phil. yout symphonic band. kudos to them! di ko kaya ung ginawa nila. and i don't know how to play those instruments. haha!

when they came, we ate at dencio's. grabe! ang daming food! nabundat kaming lahat sa dami ng pagkain! nag-ikot muna kami sa mini tiangge, laki na ng tummy namin sa dami ng kinain namin eh >.< tapos, we sat near the sea (sea ba un? baka manila bay? waaah! di ko alam :D) in front of starbucks. usap2 lang sila pati kami ni louis. maya-maya, they bought starbucks na! i ordered mocha java chip frappe! frappe is <3 hehe.

aun, mga past 11pm na kami nakauwi. nagtext si patrick and he told me natamaan daw nung anak ng bro niya left hand niya nd he has a two-inch cut there. di naman niya pinaalam. haii... sana gumaling un. ü

sick. tired. lpep.

2007-05-13T00:31:00.001+08:00

since may 11.. ang daming nangyari!

una, i had a tummy ache! hindi ung usual na "aray! ang sakit! i can't take it anymore!" sakit. ung parang kirot lang. pero nadidighay ako madalas tsaka i feel like i want to vomit. nung una, i thought it wasn't serious. but when my mom and i went to De Los Santos - STI, sabi nung doctor, it might lead to appendicitis (tama ba spelling? ???) daw. hopefully, wag sana. she made me take a urinalysis, and moderate ang bacteria ko sa urine (kadiri ba?). dapat daw sa results "few" ang lumabas, pero hindi. so baka daw mild UTI. ang gulo noh?

since may 11 uli. lpep ni patrick. orientation sa lasalle. so hindi ko siya nakausap ng maayos. baka nga magalit sakin un bukas eh. kasi i called him 5 times (he said hanggang 2 lang.) but i have a reason! i wanted to know who called up sa house pagkauwi namin kasi my mom got curious. edi nagtanong ako sa mga pedeng tumawag dito. tinext ko 2 people (si patrick and.. marty) eh wala reply. grabe naman! un na nga lang no reply pa! (sorry headache eh..) so i texted them "sana may magreply sa inyo noh?!" nagalit si marty (bakit?!) no reply parin kay patrick. pagod siguro. so, i texted him goodnight, and told him i missed him. (sana di talaga siya magalit bukas!)

hanggang ngayon, nadidighay parin ako. sumasakit ung ulo. kumikirot ung tummy. haii.. ano ba toh?!

the dreaded review classes started

2007-05-08T20:36:00.000+08:00

okay, i started my review classes na. aminin ko, i don't want to go! pero syempre, sayang naman ung bayad ng mom ko dun dba? at least i only have to attend its 17 days (68 hours lang kasi ako dun..) after may 29, im free once again!

i started yesterday. grabe ah! 4-long hours of diagnostic test without (i repeat -- without!) any breaks. T_T and as expected, i didn't know anyone there. most of the students there are from lsgh, and spcp. para akong nawawala, ako lang ung nag-iisang taga-parañaque (ata). pero di ako sure dun. i haven't been talking to anyone besides my seatmate, who i still don't know the name. (sorry! ^_^)

as in pag andun ako, laging loner AND taray mode. o dba? kaya niyo un? ako kaya ko! haha. as in wala akong kinakausap. well, let's re-phrase that. wala akong kinakausap na ako ung unang magsasalita. :) it's a thing. it's hard to change it. i'm not as social as my friends but i am social. :D

2 days down, 15 days to go! phew! matagal-tagal pa ito. and to think na-melt na ata ang brain ko 'cause math kami this week. and i think everyday may 2 take home quizzes and worksheets. T_T.

kaya ko ba ito? :(

never say goodbye

2007-05-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

-.- one of my songs for my spongebob Ü -.-
(sorry ah.. baka kasi di ko siya makausap ngayon eh.. T_T )

.:never say goodbye - jojo:.
Never been in love
Cause a girl like me
Never had someone to care for
Never thought there could be
Someone special for me
And now I'm all in love
Cause a girl like me
Waited patiently for someone
Someone to care for me
And there will never be

(Chorus)
No more lonely, no more just me
I've been there before
Ain't goin no more
And now that you're here I
Never wanna say goodbye love
Never wanna be without you
No more cryin, no denyin'
I'm in love with you
And now that you're here I
I never wanna say goodbye love

Now it's time for me
To find out what the first time love could mean
Little scared but its cool
Cause it's worth it
Now I finally fell in love
And I know that it
Gots to be for real (So real)
It's the way that I feel
So come share my world with me
So there will never be

(Chorus)

So I'm standin here
Arms open wide
Ready to give my heart
I'm sure this time
Love's gonna last for life
Baby I know things change
And there might be some rain
But the clouds are gonna clear
And the sun is gonna shine again
Shine light on our love baby
So let's make it last forever

(Chorus)

a day out with friends

2007-05-04T12:25:00.000+08:00

-.- 03 May 2007 -.-
late nanaman ako nagising (as usual!) then, nagtext sakin si cath, magbadminton daw kami after lunch. ako naman, sige go! haha! since i'm bored sa bahay. eh mga 11am pa nun, natulog ako kahit konti. nung mga lunch time na, after eating, parang tinamad na ako umalis. maya-maya, i received a text from her telling me na instead of badminton, glorietta na lang daw. i was nervous! syempre noh. di ako pinapayagan pag glorietta.

i called up my dad and asked for his permission. syempre, di nawala ung mga tanung-tanong niya na "bakit?", "sino kasama mo?", "pano ka pupunta dun?", pati ung "anong oras ka uuwi?" pero pinayagan naman ako!Ü

so, when we got there, since suupeerrr init sa labas, diretso kami sa cr. haha! re-touch lang pati freshen up. hehe. tas nagtext samin si dirv, nasa g4 daw siya. so, nakipag-meet kami. andun siya sa labas ng starbucks. after awhile, hinanap niya ung friends niya sa timezone, kami cr uli. haha! pagbalik namin sa timezone, wala na siya dun. then he called me up, he asked where we were. aun i told him timezone. pagdating niya dun, may kasama na siya. a guy named daryl. (parang nakita ko siya sa benilde kahapon.) then later on, sumama ung isa nilang friend, si pama.

nagtagal, biglang dumating si spongebob (yey!). we were always together. lagi kami magkatabi, as in magkatabi. haha! eh i had a headache. he brought a jacket nun, he gave it to me and i made it as a pillow. ahaha! when i was leaning on the table, he was comforting me, massaging my shoulders, he was hugging me. haiii.. if only ganito kami lagi.. :'( pero hindi eh.. di kami lagi magkasama.. haii... anyway, back to what happened yesterday. aun, mga 5pm umuwi na si dirv. so, ako, si spongebob, si pama, si cath, si daryl pati si ginnil na lang naiwan. natawa nga ako sa sinabi ni spongebob eh, parang couples daw. haha! naging close si ginnil pati si daryl. si pama at si cath grabe kung magtalo.. (haha! sira talaga si pama, sabi niya sakin trip lang un. :D ) tas kami naman ni spongebob.

nung gusto ko na umuwi, di ko masabi sa kanila. nagagalit na nga ata sakin si spongebob kasi i look so tired and i don't feel well tas di pa kami umuuwi. haii.. nung pauwi na kami, mga near 7pm, nauna si pama, tas kami, naghiwa-hiwalay na lang. grabe, i didn't wanna leave spongebob pa! :'( pero uwian na eh. haii...

fun day! onga pala, si dirv, pama, spongebob pati daryl are schoolmates in dbti. kaya they know each other.Ü

baguio: road trip!

2007-04-30T18:11:00.000+08:00

last 27 - 29 April, we (my family together with my cousins) went to baguio. grabe! it was such a blast!

-.-27 April 2007 -.-
ang aga namin nagising dito sa bahay. siguro mga 4:45am kami umalis to go to baguio. tulog lang ako sa byahe (i talked to patrick late eh.. puyat >.< ) hehe. so, paggising ko, we were about to eat at mcdo. i had corned beef (one of their breakfast meals) and i wished i ordered chicken T_T. late na rin siguro kami nakarating dun. siguro mga nearly lunch time na.

me and my ate

i got bored, pagdating sa villa, natulog ako. paggising ko, my cousins were there na! wala lang.. camwhore mode ung iba. haha! tas nung mga gabi na, we went to sm baguio, just to see the view. sakto! andun pba all-stars. so, sila kinunan namin instead na ung view. haha! katawa nga eh.

with a pba player

-.- 28 April 2007 -.-
grabe. ang lamig paggising namin! when we woke up, we went to the strawberry farm. ikot-ikot lang. bought strawberries and ate strawberry icecream. aun, shopping ng ibang stuff tas we went to "tam-awan village". maganda dun! kakatuwa ung place. there are huts (?) and stuff. may bridge pa nga eh! 5 bamboo posts lang ata un. tas dun rin kami nagpa-henna.

my ate, mom, and me.

me and my cousins

inside a taxi. that's me with the colored hair.

tam-awan village

then nung gabi na, ako, my mom, ate pau, ate faye and lance moved to camp john hay manor kasi parang company outing nila mom. haha! camwhore mode kami nun. but since night time na, onti pics lang.

-.- 29 April 2007 -.-
uwian na! nung bumalik na kami sa villa, my dad, my mom and my tito and tita were supposed to go to baguio country club and buy raisin breads. aun, iwan kaming magpipinsan sa bahay. sinabihan kaming ligpitin ung table but none of us moved from the couch >.< when they got back, onting ayos, lagay gamit sa car, last drop sa campjohnhay and we took off. nagpunta pa kami manaoag, then road na uli. last stop namin is shell. dun na kami nag-part ways ng cousins ko (what a term!) haha! aun, nakauwi kami 8pm na.

gawd! tired,.. >.< i missed bloggie!

just an e-mail

2007-04-25T21:40:00.000+08:00

"the heart has reasons that reason do not know"

have you ever wondered how a single "hello" could brighten up one's day? how a smile lightens up everyone? how about this one.. have you ever wondered how a simple letter could change the way you feel today?

i got an e-mail from someone (ayoko na sabihin kung sino kasi someone might bash me or think negative about me). actually, matagal na nga niya sinabi sakin na nag-email siya eh. i just forget to read it at times. anyway, i remembered it kanina when my dad asked me what i was doing and i said "nag-eemail po..." bigla ko lang naalala.

since ang daming e-mails from yahoogroups, sinearch ko na lang. haha! ang tagal eh. when i read it, sorry, i couldn't stand not crying. naiyak uli ako! the last time i cried while reading an e-mail sent to me was last may '06 (almost a year na rin). pero ewan eh, ang lakas talaga ng impact niya sakin. alam mo un, parang kahit gaano niya ako sinaktan in the past, special pa rin siya sakin.

*sigh* totoo siguro ung mga sinabi nila, no matter what happens, the moment one person steps into your life, he'll remain in there forever.

miss you my bloggie!

2007-04-22T21:54:00.000+08:00

i missed you bloggie! ugh.. i've been away for how many days. updates, here i come!

Thursday, 19 April
The day ate faye and I would go out and get her nails done while i get my hair colored. kasama rin pala namin sina louis, lance, francis, pati si cy! it was fun, but at first, it was rather boring.

my mom brought me along to her office (since it's just a walk away from megamall). so, from 7-10 am, i was just in the lobby waiting for time to run out T_T. when it (finally!) did, i went around the mall. grabe! dami cute guys! ^__^ after a few minutes, i saw them na. we went around the mall while waiting for my mom's lunch break. we watched the badminton tournament (1st kason badminton tournament), and still went around the mall.

during my mom's lunch break, we ate at "el pollo loco". busog kami! T_T after eating, mom, ate faye, france and i went to look for a salon while louis, lance and cy stayed in the place where the tournament was held. we ended up at ricky reyes' salon. :D

the whole day was tiring! all i needed was a good night's sleep. but, instead of sleeping here, we slept in my cousins house. we still played ps2 when we got there. gawd! tired. T_T

Friday, 20 April
just another ordinary day.

ate faye left us 'cause she went to UP. after lunch, louis left us 'cause he had some recordings with his band. after a few minutes, ate faye came back! i was practically left at home with lance and francis. :) had a misunderstanding with spongebob :'( but we worked it out. ^__^

Saturday, 21 April
ate faye's recognition rites. Magna cum laude siya! ^___^

again, lance, francis and i were left at home. since we woke up late, cy came by. ininit niya ung sinigang while i was up giving francis a bath. the moment they arrived, we went to eat out.

my mom and i went to megamall, then went home. done!

Sunday, 22 April
back in ortigas!

i accompanied my mom in her office. i kinda dozed off early. she woke me up by 6:30am. by 7am, we're on the road and got to ortigas at about 8am.

by 2am, i went to powerbooks. just browsing, hoping i'd see a good book to buy. after a few minutes, my bestfriend (justine) called me up. i was walking around, then i held a book. i saw one guy getting every book i got. when i glanced at him, it was spongebob!!!

grabe! aatakihin ako sa puso nito eh.. hehe.. he went around the mall and stopped at one of the staircases. we just stayed there until i went away. we hugged (actually, i kept on hugging him.. he asked for it eh!) and there were times that he's tickle me.. he even kissed me a few times...Ü hehe.. i dunno.. it's like i'm floating in the air.. :D haii...

there you go my bloggie! updates! im signing off.. sleepy.. T_T

update: 04/14/07

2007-04-16T12:40:00.000+08:00

went to school, get the card, went to SM and back home.

i was pretty tired but i still had to send those pictures from my lolo's birthday and my ate's grad to my tita in the states. so, while i was using the net, i went through TeenTalk, friendster, and logged in on ym. it was pretty boring, till my ex logged in and talked to me. To cut it short, we're okay now, we're fine now. All i have to do is to tell them who i chose.

After a couple of hours, i logged off, switched the pc off and was planning to sleep. the moment i laid down on my bed, my dad told me "bihis na. sunduin pa natin mommy mo. punta pa taio megamall." what?! bad timing. >.<

on the way to ortigas, i was texting spongebob. when we were still in ayala, he asked me "san kaio punta?" i told him we'll go to megamall, fetch my mom, eat dinner, and walk around the mall. it took him so much time to reply, so while waiting, i kinda slept inside the car. since my cp's voluem was really loud, when i received his text, i kinda woke up. haha! he told me "...may surprise aq saio.Ü i was kinda excited. i wanted to know what it was. yup, i'm a spoiler. O.o he told me that they'll go to megamall, too. and the he persuaded his mom to go there instead of glorietta.

when we got there, i was still texting him. he told me stuffs, and he was telling me where he is or what they were doing. we ate dinner at Mann Hann. grabe! i was really full. i drank mango shake and my mom ordered a slice of mango cheesecake for me (di naman halatang mahilig ako sa mangoes ^__^). i was really nervous. i told myself, "after eating, for sure diretso na kami uwi." so, i texted him, i told him to meet me at powerbooks since i'm going to buy a book there.

when we got there, i was nervous, in a matter of minutes, i'll see him na! but when i saw the book that i was going to buy, i kinda forget about it. i was rummaging the shelves, looking for more interesting books to buy, then suddenly, i felt something on my left side. i was having the feeling that he was standing right next to me, but i shrugged it off. after that, he called me up sa cell. "nakita na kitaÜ" (what?! pano?! andito na siya?!) he told me to turn around and step off the platform that i was standing on. so, i did. i asked him where to look, he said "tingin ka sa kanan", when i did, i see him walk away. (waah! i saw him na! ^__^)

when we were together na, he gave me a bracelet (w/c he said that he took care of since he was a kid), and his picture.Ü

he led me to the children's section (don't ask me, i don't know why we were there.) then he leaned on one of the shelves. i was standing right next to him (grabe, ang init niya..), he kept on teasing me and looking at me right in my eyes. *blush* he put his shoulder on mine.Ü when i looked at him, his face was close to mine, then.. he kissed me.. Ü

he walked away, getting a book. then he put his hands at the back, like he wants to hold mine. i gave him my hands. he held it. our hands were locked.Ü i know i wanted to hug him, so I did. eh he's sooo tall! while i'm behind him, i was hugging him, but he was walking around. (haha!) that was hard!

after a few minutes, he sat down, then my dad texted and told me we were about to go. i knelt down the floor, i bid him goodbye, and then i hugged him. but, he kissed me.Ü

while i was walking away, he called me up, he said, "i miss you naÜ andito lang ako sa likod mo, sinusundan lang kita. i want you to be safe pag punta mo sa parents mo." grabe ah! we're just in one store!

while we were on the car, i couldn't think of anything else but him. (grabe! ang lakas ng tama ko!)

when we got home, i texted him and let him know that. after a few minutes, he called me up. he told me that he was standing right next to me, on my left side, before he even called up (siya pala un!), he said he couldn't take his eyes off of me, and that he never noticed a girl after we saw each other, i was the only one he was thinking of. even when he was with his mom, he was a bit distracted. hehe..

haii.. i can't forget that night.Ü

...

2007-04-14T14:58:00.000+08:00

"truth is more of a stranger than fiction.."

tagal kong di nakapag-blog. haha! matagal na ba un!? :D

anyway, I wasn't that busy. tinamad lang siguro talaga ako. let's say i sleep late (sometimes inuumaga na ko), and i (sometimes) wake up early. sakit sa ulo noh? pero the good part about it is, i've had my most wanted "alone-time" :D. (aba! most wanted!? haha!)

btw, my phone line (sun cell) got cut temporarily. :'( late na namin nabayaran ung bill, tas i exceeded pa pala! haha! aun, i asked permission from my parents to let me go to the mall so i could pay it off. i know that's bad 'cause i'm not letting them know of what i'm doing. pero nakakatakot kasi sila magalit eh. i know it's not a valid reason (teka, sinesermonan ko ba sarili ko?!) pero at least i learned my lesson. they reconnected my line na! and i seldom send text messages and as much as possible, i NEVER call anyone through my phone. :D

dami rin nainis sakin. haha! di raw ako nagpaparamdam. sorry! di lang talaga ako pwede magtext that time. bawi ako sa inyo. promise!

i had my occasional senti-mode moments. haha! nag-download tuloy ako ng songs. haha! sad songs pa nga eh. but it made me happy. :D so ironic!

onga pala, we had our distribution of cards this morning. i passed, but i wasn't satisfied with my grades. siguro kasi pinakamababang grades ko nung 4th quarter compared to the first 3 quarters. haii.. next year, i know i should do better. aja! :D

next stop, SM! haha. we went there to buy my mom's shoes. un pala, pati school shoes for me, bibili sila. weeeeeeeee! sira na kasi school shoes ko. retired na daw sabi ni daddy. :D then we ate at KFC, nakipagkita na rin si ate dun. after eating, since sale sa buong mall, we went SHOPPING! sayang wala si mom. pero, we bought a lot ah. haha! saya!

now, this is what i call summer! well, syempre, i still want to got to the beach, get a henna tattoo.... :D

untitled

2007-04-12T13:24:00.000+08:00

"look at me right through my eyes
tell me the truth you've been hiding all this time
tell me is there something I should regret?
should i stay, should i go, should i just simply forget?"

those words i've said before
the moment i went out that door
the sun shone upon the sky
telling me that i'm free to fly

learned the art of letting go
endured the pain of the words "i told you so.."
i'm living my life free from those tears
turned my back from those awful fears

now that i can smile once again
now that my heart has learned how to mend
why now should you come back to me
when once before, you told me you have stopped needing me...

to someone who i don't even know

2007-04-09T19:29:00.000+08:00

i got a comment from someone about my previous blog entry. i don't know who you are, but i appreciate your opinion, rather, your comment about it. unfortunately, you turned it against me.

i'll make it clear for EVERYONE who is reading, had been reading, and will be reading my blog.

let's say that entry was pointless and childish. i can take that comment. i admit, even i think that having it as a dilemma is really senseless. it was a bit blunt of you to tell me that i was being selfish, that i was playing with their hearts. i can take that, too. but to tell me that i made spongebob as a scapegoat or panakip butas ko lang siya, that's rubbing me the wrong way.

clearly, you don't know what i'm going through, and especially, you don't know what i went through. i admit, i still love my ex. but it doesn't give you a reason to tell me that i made spongebob a scapegoat. i love him, believe it or not, i do love spongebob. i'm having a hard time not because i don't know how to get rid of him now that my ex wants me back, but i'm having a hard time because i know someone will get hurt in the end.

both of them are special to me. both of them are important in my life. call me stupid, or insane, or idiot, or a moron, the hell i care! i know the truth, i know what im feeling, and i effin' know the fact that i am not fooling anyone, and i am NOT trying to hurt them because i was hurt in the long run. i'm NOT stupid enough to play with other people's feelings, you know.

i wasn't, in any way, being unfaithful or dishonest. if talking to your ex and him admitting / confessing to you is already a sign of dishonesty to you, be it. my ex and i are bestfriends, i don't see anything wrong when i talk to him. i don't see anything wrong about him telling me what his feelings are, and what his feelings are towards me.

obviously, you're someone that i don't know. 'cause if you know who I am, you wouldn't tell me that i am using someone for my own "selfish" happiness. heck! wala akong pakialam kung maging malungkot ako kasi alam kong sasaya rin ako sa huli, wag niyo lang sasaktan ung mga taong mahalaga sa kin!

that's the way you looked at my post. i won't take it against you. thanks for all those things you said. i am not angry at you, or whatsoever. you even made me think of what you said. i just can't bare the fact that you think i'm that low to play with their feelings.

the longest hour

2007-04-06T17:40:00.000+08:00

TIME can never get back what was ended..

Last night, as I was talking to spongebob on the phone, marty texted me.

"still up? usap tayo."

My heart punded as I read those words on my phone. I know I wanted to talk to him, but I was still talking to spongebob. If I told him that I was going to put the phone down just so marty could call, he'd get hurt. I know I have the option of lying to him, but I can't. I didn't know what to do. >.<

I talked to spongebob while I was texting marty. I was surprised when marty told me that he got me something from EK. I thought to myself "why would he get me something? and why did I pop out of his mind while he was in EK?" It made me want to talk to him more. I really wanted to talk to him -- i missed him! And he's my bestfriend.Ü Still, it doesn't change the fact that I have spongebob. I couldn't leave him.

At about 2am, I felt kinda woozy. I wanted to sleep, and I told spongebob that. The moment we put the fone down. I remembered marty. I called him up, and our talk lasted for about an hour. It was the longest hour of my life! At first, we were just fooling around, like we usually do. Then, our talk became serious. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it just did! He then told me something.. something that shocked me and made me forgot that I was supposed to go to sleep.

"bianx, edi manliligaw uli ako sa'yo?"

Those words struck me. Those were the words that I've been wanting to hear from him for the last 10 months, and now, I heard it. I really did. I didn't know what to feel -- I didn't know what I was supposed to feel! It just happened. I needed to hear it again. I couldn't believe it. I heard it -- yes, but I still couldn't believe it. He repeated it. But still, my mind couldn't process those words he said.

He told me naawa siya sakin. That he was forcing me to move on 10 months ago 'cause he can see that he was hurting me, he could see that i was hurting, that I couldn't stand it anymore, but still held on, hoping that something might happen. He wanted me to be happy, that's why he pushed me to forget, pushed me to believe that friends, and only friends, that's what we'll always be. Though he loved me, missed me, but he couldn't stand seeing me get hurt, get hurt by him.

"There was no month that I didn't cry, alam mo ba un? You rejected me, you pushed me away, heck! there were even days when you wouldn't talk to me, or even reply to any of my texts!! Do you know how hard that was!? But, I don't know.. I don't know why I held on.... Maybe because that's how much I love you..."

Speechless -- he was left speechless for what I said. I started to cry. But I was trying not to make it obvious. He was good -- really good. He knew I was crying right then and there. It was just like before. It was like I was with my babybear once again. It felt good, but I knew something was wrong. Something was DEFINITELY wrong.

This is what I wanted for months now. But now that I have it, I don't know what to do. I love him still, I love him so much. But I can't change the fact that I've learned to love spongebob, too. Someone's gonna get their heart broken. If I could help it, I'd save them both, and leave myself broken once again. :'(

changes

2007-04-05T20:34:00.000+08:00

You can run, but you can't hide...

From all the changes I've gone through, from all the misery and pain I've felt, still, I'm running, running away from the reality that EVERYTHING has changed...

Months before, I thought my life was perfect, that nothing could go wrong. But when it did, I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was clueless -- having no idea of what to do, how to be strong, and how to live my life alone... I consistently and continuously fooled myself that everything will be alroght, that things will be ok, and that I'll learn how to forget. Things aren't as easy as I thought it would be.

I remember having a hard time consoling my best friend when she and her bf parted ways. I thought it was pointless crying over him for over a year. I tried calming her down but nothing even worked. I never understood why, and how she could let herself be in sorrow like that. I understood how she felt, but I didn't know why she couldn't leave him. The moment I was actually in that situation, everything (my perspective, my thoughts, my beliefs) changed. I used to plan everything ahead. Even in the past, everything we would do should be planned. Usually, when we go out, or when he's going to visit me, we'll plan on what we'll do when we're together. I thought nothing would EVER go wrong when everything's picture perfect. But I wasn't ready for what the year 2006 had in store for me, for him, for US. I never expected anything. Thinking forever, we would be together. No one planned it all. Now I realized, I got so attached that I couldn't even learn how to let go. Day by day, my grip with yesterday gets firmer.

Insane, stupid, foolish, pointless -- words I describe people who let themselves get hurt by their past loves. I knew I was foolish for everything I had done just to get back what I had. But though I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't help it but to STILL breakdown, and cry -- even if it means crying myself to sleep.

Those days are long gone. Honestly, I've learned how to smile (again!), be happy (again!) and live life and have fun with it. Pathetic, but it took one guy to help me get myself up to my two feet. I feel happy now.Ü Though I know this happiness I feel whenever he's around is uncertain if it will last forever, I try to live my life day-by-day. Smiles are a part of my day now. No more tears each and every night. But despite the happiness, despite the smiles and the laughter, there are still those times when I just sit alone on my bed and reminisce about the past.

Now, I can say that whoever passes thru your life, he can NEVER replace that certain someone.. no matter how happy he made you.. no matter what he did to make you let go.. he can never replace him. He's an addition to your life, he is special to you, but it doesn't mean that he replaced someone. 'Cause no matter how hard we try, he will ALWAYS be a part of our life, no matter how hard it kills us.

I still get hurt. I still cry. I still want him by my side. Is it bad? Should I stop these feelings I have for him? I don't know. Still, I don't know what to do. It's so hard talking to him casually, when I'm used to baby him and everything. It's hard to be 'just bestfriends' when you know you want something more. But, is there anything we could do? We could tell him how and what we feel. But we can never demand what we want. It takes two to tango, you can never do it alone. You have no right to tell him what to do, you have no right to tell him "tayo na uli kasi mahal pa rin kita", unless.... Unless that's what he wants.

Life's pretty hard. All we could do is live it, love it, and accept everything that it's headed our way.. regardless of the sorrow, and the pain that we might feel.

long time, no blog..

2007-04-04T22:08:00.000+08:00

it's been 4 days since I've updated my blog.. what has happened?

01 April, 2007 - My lolo's birthday
Everybody went to my lolo's house. It's his 69th b-day celebration ata. Right after the mass at 10:30 am (which ended about 12 noon...) we headed straight to my lolo's house. it was fun! my tita and i had sessions (manicure, pedicure, and the like..) at! nagpa-foot spa pa kami dun! haha.. ang saya nga eh..

the parents and the adults had their drinks. my mom, and my titas had their "magic sing" session (again!). at the end of the night, pinainom kami ng tito namin ng white wine. that was my first time to drink white wine, and i liked it! haha. though i became a bit tipsy in the end. half-empty palang ung cup ko, medyo antok na ako. hahaha! ang daming pictures! mostly, ako nanaman ang kumuha. >.<

02 April, 2007
nothing much happened on this day. first day ng mga cousins ko sa bahay. haha! ang gugulo nga namin eh. but fun!Ü my bestfriend, Janine, dropped by nung mga 5pm ata. aun, eh that time, I was talking to **spongebob on the fone. edi, kinausap niya. she asked questions like "mahal mo ba si Bianca?", and she said stuffs like "alagaan mo siya, ha?" etong si spongebob naman. he said "oo naman, mahal ko siya at aalagaan ko siya.." kilig! haha! **missing marty though..:(

03 April, 2007
We went to school about 9:30am thinking na distribution of cards na nila Ate. Un pala, sa 2pm pa! so I texted Abbie and told her to meet me in the canteen, since pumasok kami para makita ng cousins namin ung school. Sabi nila, malaki daw school namin. O.o haha! aun, after meeting up with Abbie, umuwi na kami. WE headed sa room ni ate. Pillow fight, O2jam, internet, friendster, the usual! after lunch time, dumating uli si Janine, haha! pinag-agawan nila si Lance! kakatuwa nga eh. Pero, I had senti moments with Janine and Abbie. Kay Janine, ung mga soundtrip namin na nauuwi sa pagka-senti. Si Abbie naman, kwentuhan, bigayan ng advice. *sigh* di ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko. Onga pala, supposedly, ngayon sila uuwi, pero since may lakad kami kanina, bukas na lang. Ü nagpakulay nga pala kami ni Louis, mahogany na hair color namin. woohoo!Ü

04 April, 2007
Most boring day of the week. Late na kami nagising. Onga pala, since April2 ng gabi, katabi ko sila louis matulog. unfortunately, sumasakit ang katawan ko sa liit ng space na tinutulugan ko.. hahaha! aun, we were supposed to go to G4 pero na-late kami ng pagpaalam. hahaha! nag-SM bicutan na lang kami. (I should've seen **spongebob kung natuloy kami...) Nag-cybr nga lang sila louis eh, and played 'audition'. Kami naman ni ate, ikot lang nang ikot. Hanggang makita ko batchmates ko. haha! galing daw sila sa whackers at nag-badminton. haii.. hanggang 4pm rin kami dun noh! tas nung mga 8pm, kaming magpipinsan with my mom went to Bastille and ordered a coffee, 4 frappes, and cakes. nabusog kami, syempre! hahaha! aun..

measure of love?

2007-03-31T15:47:00.000+08:00

Tears flowed once again. But this time, it's a different story.

I have this thing with "promises." Somehow, no one ever kept their promises with me, especially the guy I loved. I fought with promises those months I've been waiting for him. Hoping, wishing, praying that somehow, in some way, he would, and could keep his promise. But I was just living in my fantasy world. Waiting for someone to wake me up.

Some times last night, I was talking to spongebob on my cellphone. He promised he'd wait for me and call me up when I get home. I heard that word again. Promise. I told myself I never wanted to hear it again. But here I am again, hearing my worst enemy. I thought, maybe he's different, maybe he'd keep this promise. So, I believed him. I gave myself a chance to believe in it again.

I got home tired, and a bit sleepy. Something in me wanted to know if he could, and if he is keeping his promise. I texted him "ei, i just got home". No reply. I texted him twice -- still no reply. Then he texted me, he told me "di kita makakausap. may gumagamit ng fone." When I read that, I got disappointed. Then it struck me, wala na ba talagang marunong tumupad ng promises nila?! lalo na sakin?! Mababaw, I know. Siguro talaga, I just need not to hope any longer. So when he called me up sa cellphone ko, I told him to never promise me anything. The telephone in my room rang -- it was him.

I started to cry, why? I knew I somehow hurt his feelings with what I told him. He's someone so sensitive, someone I can't afford to hurt, but I made him cry. I was shocked! No one ever cried because I was crying. I asked him why he was sad. He simply told me "masama bang maging malungkot ng walang rason? masama bang maging malungkot dahil malungkot ung taong mahal ko?" I was flattered. Even with my ex, he didn't cry when I cried. Well, there are times when I scare him or threaten him with stuff like slit my wrist, he cries. But something this simple? He never cried. I wanted to know why spongebob was crying. He began to talk. He told me "ayokong nalulungkot ka o nasasaktan ka.. kasi mas lalo akong nasasaktan.. sorry kung umiiyak ako... ganito kasi kita ka-mahal..." I was really touched. He even thanked me. He hasn't cried in awhile (that's what he said), and I was the only reason why tears flowed out from his eyes. "maybe I really love you so much.. maybe we're really meant for each other..." That's what he said.

After last night, I know for sure that I love him more now. I couldn't believe it, but I know I love him. And I can feel that he loves me, too. I just hope this would last.

ate's grad day -032807-

2007-03-31T12:40:00.000+08:00

ugh. graduation day. the longest ceremony i've ever went to. haha! for today, i'm officially known s "photog biancaÜ"

i woke up early today, parang hindi ako noh? hehe. my mom didn't go to her office eh, since grad nga ni ate. we ate breakfast, since di na ako sanay na nagbbreakfast, sumakit tuloy ung tummy ko.. >.< after eating, i decided i'd sleep for awhile. when i woke up, mga quarter to noon na un. my mom was rushing my ate since she has an appointment sa salon. ako naman, wala lang. hehe. ang init eh., so, i took a batch muna. since di naman ako ung may appointment at kakagising ko lang (uli!), pinakain nila muna ako ng lunch then i decided to surf the internet (my usual habit.)Ü

mga quarter to 2pm na sila nakabalik. everybody was rushing everybody. kahit ako nadamay! haha. 3pm kasi ung grad ni ate and i still haven't fixed myself up. di ko pa rin nape-prepare ung digicam. haha! in the car, naalala ni ate na she forgot he cap-thingy (i don't know what it's called eh), basta! ung thingy sa toga. haha! so, parents frustrated, we went back home so that se could get it. pagdating sa school, onti pa lang pala ung tao! upo muna kami. the teachers were busy accompanying the graduating students. ako, paikot-ikot lang sa school. haha! onga pala. kasama sila lola.Ü

natapos ata un mga 7 or 8pm na. we headed straight to glorietta. we ate at north park.Ü andun ung ramos family pati orquina (minus tita ve, tita rins, tito oliver, and tito bob). we ate dinner there. ang lamig sa loob! naka-sleeveless pa naman ako! haha. aun., kwentuhan with cousin louis. usap-usap ung family. tsaka they congratulated louis and ate pau since they both graduated na.

right after that. we headed sa icebergs and ate icecream. grabe! busong na nga from eating dinner, may ice cream pa!! haha.. so., mga past midnight na kami nakauwi. haiii.. grabe! kapagod!!

freaky thursday

2007-03-29T17:00:00.000+08:00

how will i start this weird day?! haha..

as usual, i was late in getting up. my sister woke me up at about 6:30 in the morning just to borrow my MAP book (mass songs,.. it's a requirement if you're studying in my school) because they have their baccalaureate mass today together with the grade6 pupils. haii.. for someone who's spending her summer vacation, waking up at 6am is a bummer!

after an hour, **spongebob texted me. he told me to eat breakfast na.. (aww...Ü) i knida told him that i haven't been eating breakfast for 3days already (shouldn't have said it!). sweet nga eh.. he remembered, and goes to show that he's concerned.Ü unfortunately, i was too sleepy that i disregarded his text and went back to sleep. >.< ehehe.. i think i woke up at about 10:45am. kinda late na. haha!

i almost forgot that it's thursday! every tuesday and thursday is "leave-bianca-at-home-alone-for-the-whole-afternoon" days. ahaha! after lunch, i was home alone by myself. got bored? -- duh! nothing left to do but to surf the internet! luckily someone's OL. i got the chance to chat with my cousin (who i never saw since last month -- i think) he graduated yesterday. (ang dami namang grumaduate! haha!) so, i congratulated him.Ü i kinda felt bad for him when we started talking about the girl he likes but left him hanging in thin air (kinda reminds me of -- me!)

then i saw my ex went OL. he's the alleged ex who's wanting me back but i really don't know if he wants me back since he's been inconsistent but is consistent on telling me that he still loves me -- gets? kinda makes me wonder, do i still want him to want me back? do i still want him back? haii.. mind keeps spinning 'round, and 'round, and 'round....... pero when you think about it, why did i get hurt, felt jealous when he said he knew someone from Miriam? he made me smile when he told me he still feels angry whenever i talk to some other guys or hang out with other guys. argh! i gotta rest my heart for awhile....

btw, i checked the "teen blog awards".. 5 people voted for my blog.. yey! thanks po! sana others would support my blog, too!Ü

tell me everything

2007-03-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes, most things are better kept unsaid...

talks about other people to someone you love is really hard. especially if the feelign still lingers on. it's like your heart and your chest is gonna blow up! but, there's nothing you can do about it but to accept and face the fact that someday, somehow, you'll be with someone. but there's that uncertainty that that someone is not gonna be him...

marty and i kinda talked about "future relationships" with other people. i was trying so hard not to sound too hurt. but i can hear he's hurt. he told me he's having a hard time to tell me about it 'cause of what he had. i told him "sayo na nanggaling na bestfriends tayo.. well., that's what we should be., dba?" i admit, talking about "it" to him is really hard. but somehow, i've -- we've got to face it.

he told me "parang kayo na nga nun eh... and i don't know.. it can't seem to stop..." i asked him what it was. i'm kinda having the idea. but still, i want to hear it from him. "i can't seem to stop getting mad or angry everytime i hear you spending time with other guys..." kinilig ako dun. pero, hearing from him that he met someone from Miriam College, and that he's getting to know her... that made me kinda mad, too. am i selfish? do i sound selfish for saying that? ugh. i don't know. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel.

i got hurt when he told me "balang araw, i know you'll find someone new..." di ko alam kung malungkot ba un or happy.. pero i told him "ikaw rin naman eh.. you're a nice guy.. i know mauunahan mo pa ako magkaroon ng bago.." he told me 'no'.. ayaw daw niya.. i wanted to know why.. bigla na lang siya nagsalita.. "i can't erase the fact that it might not be you.. when i talk to her, i always wish na sana maingay siya, na ma-kwento parang ikaw.. whenever i text her, i wish na pag magrereply siya, parang ikaw.." napatigil ako dun.. alam naman niya na hindi un ung gusto kong marinig. gusto kong marinig sa kanya na gusto niyang bumalik sakin. na nagseselos siya pag kausap ko iba, na gusto niya ibalik ung dati. i want to hear him say "i want my baby bear back..." that's all i want. mahaba pa naman ang summer.. i might hear it. i might not. pero, sana lang talaga., sabihin niya un.

i can feel the connection, still. it's not that strong anymore like it used to be. but i know, when we're given a chance to spend time with each other, it just might live again. but the question is, do i want it back? does he want it back? now that everything has changed...

i miss those times of laughter with him. i admit, i can't resist comparing them to each other. they're almost alike! yet still so different from each other. i'm happy with spongebob -- i really am! but... ugh! i don't know what to do. i don't know anything!

i love marty, still... but i love spongebob... torn... torn... torn between the two.. if only i know what marty has in store, if only i know what marty wants, if only.. i would know what to do.. sadly, i'm not in control anymore...

monthly visitor comin' its way

2007-03-27T19:07:00.000+08:00

haii.. i wouldn't get to talk to **spongebob tonight. pero, ok lang naman un.Ü he texted me when he was in school na.. hehe.. ang cute nga eh..Ü ewan ko., natutuwa lang talaga ako.. pero., i didn't talk to him that long 'cause it was 7 in the morning and i was still sleepy.. (mahilig ako matulog eh.. ^__^) aun., i told him that i'll sleep muna..

di ko naman alam., na magigising ako lunch time na! 2days na akong hindi nakakapag-breakfast. medyo sanay na rin ako.. but if my mom found out, naku, sermon ang aabutin ko.. after i ate breakfast, i surfed the net to check my mail, go to TeenTalk, friendster, etc. haha! parang ang daming ginawa eh... suddenly, parang sumakit ung tummy part ko.. (tummy part!? haha..) i immediately turned of every single program that i was using., and turned the pc off.. and headed straight to the cr! not to mention bringing a towel along..Ü

aun.. basta., i found out., dumalaw na pala si monthly visitor.. di man lang nagpaalam!? ahaha.. aun., ang sakit! sobra.. after taking a bath., (even though alam kong pagagalitan ako ng lola ko pag nalaman niya toh) humiga agad ako sa bed ng parents ko.. i couldn't stand the pain eh.. then i kept on texting **spongebob and told him about it.. awang-awa siya sakin.. (ayoko pa naman ng kinakaawaan ako.. >.<) di rin ako nakatulog.. shet! sakit talaga!

hanggang napansin ko., 4pm na. wala pa ring tao sa bahay.. taong-bahay nanaman ako.. haha! the official taong-bahay samin every summer..Ü hay.. nagulat na lang ako nakauwi na si ate ai.. tapos after 2 hours (that is 1hour ago from now.. wtf?! haha..) we ate dinner...Ü

until now, wala parin parents ko., kahit ate ko.. hehe.. ok lang... still., masakit parin talaga.. ugh! i hate the first days ni monthly visitor! >.<

time

2007-03-25T21:19:00.000+08:00

TIME flies so fast... so fast that sometimes, you just don't know how things ended up in that way...

yesterday was kind of a rollercoaster ride for me. nagkaaminan na. **spongebob told me he likes me, i told him i like him, too. but here's the catch, we just met -- wala pa ngang one month eh! but, do you guys know that feeling that you feel so close and so comfortable with each other even though you're friendship isn't that long yet? that's the feeling. kinda complicated, hard to explain, pero ganun eh.

we're kind of friends, pero more than that. you could say that we're bestfriends, close friends, MU? hehe.. ewan ko.. basta! he has helped me get through the sorrow. he helped me move on. he taught me some things that i knew from the very beginning but i was too afraid to face. he never left my side. he was always there, especially those times when i didn't expect that he'd be there.

i admit, i never imagined that i'd be happy when i talk to him. i always smile whenever he texts me or whenever he calls me. i kept on wondering why i'm like this. now, i confess -- i like him. after 10 whole months, i like someone besides my ex..

i was shocked when he told me he has the same feelings. i'm not entirely sure if what he says are true., but i don't know. i believe him naman.. in less than a month, i've known a guy, and from what i've found out, we have a lot of things in common. from the littlest things to the things we do for other people. we both have lots of pillows on our beds. we both bury our heads on our pillows. we can't resist helping other people. and we share that same feeling -- the feeling you feel when you help someone, but you never feel appreciated by them. and that sometimes, they run to you whenever they ONLY need your help. i never met someone like that, just like me, until i met him.

i thought the farthest our friendship will end up is like a bro-sis relationship (just like with my other guy friends whom i call "kuya" in the end..) but no, something kinda interesting happened last night. our decent conversation went to a "will you be my girl?" talk. haha! shocking? yes. surprising? totally! unexpected? sobra!! but, i felt kilig rin.. hehe.. haiii.... wondering what i told him back? hmm.. i said "yes.ü" :P i'm so happyÜ

dreams.wishes.

2007-03-24T18:58:00.000+08:00

be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it...

i was always been reminded of that line. but i never thought that it's true.. until recently...

for 10 months, as i've been going through some threads in the lovelife board in TeenTalk, i always told myself "how i wish my ex would want me back.." now that he wants me back, i don't know what to feel...

recently, i met this new guy, let's call him **spongebob. we're becoming close -- too close, and i'm not complaining about it. i tell him almost everything! like my friend, pao, he's someone who i can run to whenever i have the urge to rant about anything. he knows the hurt, and the sorrow that i've gone through with my ex. and he knows how hard it was for me to get over him. he was also there when i finally realized that i just let go. that i actually let go. he became my instant bestfriend.. i started to like him. i thought it's just because he's a friend of mine. but no, i kinda like him, like him. i know i should be happy with what i'm feeling, 'cause i can feel happy and smile now. pero, there's a BIG hinder. my ex is kinda wanting me back, but he doesn't..

he admitted that he misses me. he told me again and again that he still loves me. he told me he WANTS to be with me again.. but when i asked him what does he want to do? he couldn't say anything. the typical guy that i've known. every problem we had, he couldn't say anything if i ask him. where does it leave me? hanging, hanging once again. i know i could hold **spongebob's hand and have the certainty of being happy, but there's something about the past that's holding on to me. and it sucks!

remembering the time when i read something in teentalk that made me wonder "how i wish my ex would want me back... :(" now, i don't know if i ever want him back.. did i want him back 'cause girls like him? 'cause a lot of people told me how stupid i was for letting him go? 'cause the moment we were done, suddenly alot of people likes him? do i want him to be mine only? if so, i must be THAT selfish. but until now, i can't answer any of those questions.

he keeps on circling in my mind. it's not good. it's the irritable kind. i know this is what i wanted before. but do i still want this right now? i don't know. maybe, if spongebob weren't here, i might have given myself to him again. but he's here, he's beside me. like what he said "we're so close yet so far".. i'm not complaining. i'm not saying "if he weren't here.. blahblahblah.." no! 'cause i'm really happy that he came into my life. i'm really happy that i met him. i just don't know what to do, 'cause of a certain someone who's trying to get back in my life.

maybe you guys are wondering why i'm so confused since i practically told you that i'm happy. see, their both special to me, both important in my life. i still don't know what to do, 'cause i don't want to repeat the same mistake i've committed 10 months ago.. and that was to regret a decision i've made. i know i better think about it, and i shouldn't hurry anything. whatever happens, i just have to accept it. 'cause that's just how life is... no matter how hard it is, all we could do is to accept the fact that everything has changed...

did i hear him right?

2007-03-24T10:27:00.000+08:00

did i just hear him say it right? did i just hear him say "i think i like you.Ü"?

summer officially started today. since nag-usap kami ni patrick until 1am (ata.. hehe.. don't remember the time..) i woke up pretty late. let's say, i woke up about quarter to 12nn? hehe. anyway, we talked 0n the phone the night before, right? medyo nagkatampuhan lang since he kinda made a comment na "sige ok lang., you don't trust me naman eh.." coming from a person whom you trust, that's gotta hurt, right? so, my bubbly-jolly-fun personality went away.. welcome sad-emo-tampo bianca. haha! everytime na nagtatampo ako, my mood doesn't change until the sun rises -- literally. so, i guess you know how it ended. tampo ako, nagtampo na rin siya, nag-sorry siya, tinanggap ko, he expected that i'd be ok, but my mood never changed, nangulit siya, umiyak ako. he proposed to put the phone down, i agreed. eh may pasok siya sa umaga db? before i got to sleep, nagtext siya, sorry nang sorry, he wanted to hurt himself daw para makabawi, aun..

the moment i woke up, ang sakit ng ulo ko! i found out na nagtext parin siya ng 2am.. "eh akala ko ba may pasok ka at kailangan mo nang matulog?" sus! lalo sumakit ulo ko.. by the time i finished my lunch, someone was calling my #. spongebob. bakit toh tumatawag? nasa school ka dba? that's what i thought. un pala, break nila. he called up to check-up on me. just to know if i'm still down, or if im fine na. I admit, na-touch ako dun sa ginawa niya, and it really made me smile.Ü

about 6pm (ata.. haha!), he texted me. sabi niya "nakauwi na ako teddy bear, gusto mo ako makausap? kung wla ka ginagawa.." so, pinatawag ko siya. and would you believe that phone call lasted for about 3-4 hours?! ahaha! i missed those kinds of phone calls.ü nangyari lang un sakin with duke and marty before. now, pati si patrick. anyway, we had to put it down 'cause he was about to eat dinner.

nag-internet ako right after that. hindi ko napansin na nagtext pala siya sa fone ko. when i got to read it, nagulat ako. haha! he said "teddy bear, may sbhn aq. nahya aq sbhn sa fone kanna" i got intrigued! haha! na-intriga ang loka-loka. so, i asked him "ano un?" dun papasok ung "i think i like you.Ü" text. ahaha! nagkataon, nagtxt sakin si me-ann. ung mga survey-chuva. ahaha! ung parang "what will you do if i told you i love you?" sagot ba naman niya eh "c (weh! d nga?!) but maybe a (iloveyou2)" grabe! nawindang ako dun! hahah...

i couldn't wait any longer. i wanted to talk to him right away. syempre, i want to clear it all out. then nung nag-usap kami., sabi nga niya na totoo lahat ng sinabi niya. na di daw niya ako niloloko or binobola.. waaaaah! ewan ko ba. hehe..

totoo kaya toh? kasi, i'm kinda starting to like him, too..

year-end

2007-03-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

Goodbyes are hard to say. That's why I prefer saying "see you later!" Last exam namin kanina. Trigo pa! nag-iisa. haha! after i finished answering, i looked if anybody else were done. ako palang pala! ahaha. since i brought my fone to school, nagbabasa lang ako ng messages. syempre patago! mamaya last day na nga lang ma-confiscate pa fone ko! haha. bigla nalang nagtext si jepoi, tas si pamB, tas si jk. hehe. looking around, i start to wonder, in a matter of hours, we'll go our separate ways. like what i've said in my previous entry, we're not going to be called "iii - agatha" anymore. next school year, some of us may be classmates, pero not all. thinking about it, 4th yr na pala kami next year! ang bilis ng panahon, noh?

naghabol na kami ng requirements kanina since tinatamad kami lahat bumalik bukas para magpa-sign ng clearance. buti nalang natapos ko ung akin!Ü

haiii.... pero, when it was time to say goodbye, napag-ayos ni Ms. Jo sina Rap pati si Jepoi (di ko lang alam kung talagang ok na sila.. hehe..) some of us were emotional, some of us were happy kasi summer na. pero ako? ewan ko lang. another school year has ended pero deadmahan pa rin kami ni joshua. todo-iwas siya sakin. he glances at me. but he never talks to me.

i'm gonna miss my third year!Ü especially yung section ko.. i love you iii-agatha!!

AGATHA: i'll miss you guys!

2007-03-21T22:52:00.000+08:00

tomorrow, everything will change after 12nn. we won't be called "III-AGATHA" anymore. we'll go our separate ways for the meantime. magkikita uli kami sa june pa. grabe! di ko inakala na mamimiss ko ang Agatha. ngayon pa nga lang eh, nalulungkot na ako. i remember nung first day, i thought our class wouldn't be as fun as the class i had when i was in 2nd yr. masyado kong kiriticize ung section ko. i didn't think that i'd be having a blast hanging out with them! grabe... thinking about tomorrow is really saddening. di ko inakala na magiging close ako sa kanila.. :( kahit na maraming kalokohan section namin, kahit na kung sinu-sinong coordinator, and discipline officer, ang vice principal, at ung mismong principal na ung dumadalaw samin tuwing may nagagawa kaming kalokohan, mahal ko sila lahat! ang dami naming pinagdaanan nung january.. lahat na yata ng kamalasan sa mundo binagsak samin.. everyday kaming may kaso, di nawala ung stealing, galit samin si Ms. Jo, at puro sakit na lang ng ulo araw-araw. but, we made it through every day. mamimiss ko talaga lahat ng kaingayan ng class.. yung mga hirit nila... ung mga jokes nila.. kahit nakakainis ung mga guys namin., mamimiss ko talaga silang lahat! now, all we could do is do good in our last trigonometry exam and make the best out of last day... :(

grabe.. ano kaya mangyayari bukas? sabi kasi ni marty dito na lang daw kami sa bahay mags-stay. haii.. i really can't understand him.. masyado syang magulo! lately, he's been communicating with me.. natatakot ako na pagdating ng june, magbago nanaman siya.. haii.. by that time, im pretty sure na tanggap ko na ang lahat..... pero right now, i STILL have to clear things up in my mind.. yup, my spongebob is there to help me get through things pero, i still need marty to let me know the things that made my life complicated... :(

haii.. si joshua kaya makakausap ko pa? naisip ko lang. kasi one whole year na kaming nagdededmahan.. daig ko pa talaga lahat ng nakaaway niya! hehe.. i may be laughing about it pero, i admit, i miss my boybud.. nakakapanghinayang lang talaga ung friendship namin..

now, another chapter in my life has ended. after tomorrow, i am no long a junior in high school.. in a couple of months, seniors na kaming lahat.. time flies really fast.. i just hope everything, and everyone can cope up with it... especially, me..

one day you're in control, the next...

2007-03-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

bat ganun? no matter how much i put the thought of letting go on my mind, the moment he re-enters in my life, it all comes crashing down....

we've been talking to each other since the past week. i know, this is what i've wanted for about 10 months na. i should be happy, right? pero bat ganun.. mas matindi ung kaba ko kesa sa happiness. there's a part of me telling that he has realized how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me... but... the other part of me is telling otherwise.. these thoughts of him courting some girl but got dumped that's why he's crawling right back to me can't be erased! parang kasi unbelievable na after 10, long months, babalik siya sakin ng ganun-ganun na lang...

is fate playing a game on me? the night a friend of mine becomes close to me, is the same night marty told me that he misses me... that he still loves me.. don't get me wrong.. i've stopped hoping. i would be hurting myself more if i still do.

i'm getting scared by the minute. i don't know what he wants from me. i don't know if he's planning on anything. all i know is that we're friends.. bestfriends.. PERIOD!

and if that time comes that he'll tell me that he wants me back,. what will i do? what should i do? honestly speaking, i don't have any idea. like what patrick said "di mawawala ung love mo para sa kanya..." and he's right.. kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ung love ko para sa kanya., andun pa rin eh.. siguro male-lessen., siguro hindi.. pero, ewan ko.. i don't know what to do.. unless,... unless something happens..

one day, someday.. i'll face the truth.. whatever the truth may be....

i miss you

2007-03-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

haii.. buhay nga naman noh..

kahapon, my friend patrick (from another school) and i were becoming close.. hehe.. kwentu-kwentuhan nga kami sa fone eh.. ang tagal rin naming nag-usap sa fone.. to the point na late na ako nakapunta sa party ni danica. haha! kahit sa party ni danica, siya pa rin ung ka-text ko! haha! kakatuwa nga eh..

tas late na kami nakauwi.. pero, ka-txt ko pa rin siya.. he asked me if he could call me "teddy bear".. pumayag ako.. okay lang naman sakin un eh.. after a few minutes, sabi niya "tulog na tayo teddy bear. antok na ako eh." nag-goodnight na ako. before going inside my sister's room., may nagtext sa globe ko... si marty....

marty: "r u stil awake?"
marty: "i mis u"
marty: "nyt"
bianca: "i miss u, too.."
marty: "Call Me..."

after 10 long months. ngayon ko lang uli niya ako sinabihan ng "i miss you.." nung nabasa ko un., naiyak ako... syempre, mahal ko pa ung tao eh.. late na un.. then he asked me if i really loved him.. obviously, i told him the truth.. i said "yeah, i still love you.. and i really love you.." humirit ako.. sabi ko sa kanya na alam ko naman na di na niya ako mahal.. sabi niya sakin..

marty: "mahal kita. mahal pa rin kita."

umiyak nanaman ako nun..argh! di ko na talaga alam gagawin ko! kung kelan naman natututo na ako mag-isa.. andyan uli siya.. don't get me wrong., i'm not complaining.. pero, bat ang gulo?!

untitled.

2007-03-17T13:24:00.000+08:00

we chat often na. i don't know how that happened. but, we just do.

Mood swings ba tawag dito o talagang wala na? I used to feel bad whenever we chat, especially pag di kami nag-uusap. pag nag-uusap naman kami, i'm having butterflies on my stomach. kinikilig na parang ewan. pero lately, everything changed. di na ganun. though there are times na di nawawala un. pero bakit ganun? i just feel nervous. kinakabahan ako pag kausap ko siya. i know there's no reason for me to feel that way. but, like right now, ka-chat ko siya, and kinakabahan ako. ang weird noh?

i can feel it. i can feel that he's treating my as a bestfriend. i appreciate itÜ pero, di pa rin naaalis sa isip ko na sana he feels something more than that. syempre, mahal mo ung tao pero pagiging bestfriend lang ung pwede niyang ibigay at the moment.

but i've stopped hoping na. i still wish that one day, we'll end up together and live happily. pero i've realized recently na, the more i hope on the impossible, the more i get hurt. martyr na ata ung taong umaasa pa, kahit alam niyang wala na. well, martyr ata tawag sakin. i've done that. and i still think that's what i'm doing. ewan! moving on and letting go is my goal, but somehow, i can't seem to do that.....

"TIME heals all wounds..." they say. but does it really heal all the wounds? Or does it just help you accept the reality the longer you dwell on it?...

dear lie

2007-03-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

Dear lie...

I just want you to know that I hate him! I know now why he did that to me. I know why he left me hanging. I know everything!

I'm satisfied with it now.. being his best friend. yup! you read it right. I'm satisfied.ü is it so hard to believe? Maybe. But yes. I'm satisfied being his bestfriend. At least I'm his bestfriend, right? Rather than just "a friend". I don't feel bad anymore. Tears have been a stranger since then. Sadness was never a friend. And frown is just a word that I don't understand.

I've been smiling now.Ü I'm not the same old Bianca that you used to know. I'm not the Bianca who cries herself to sleep 'cause of regret. I don't punish myself by wondering what could have happened if it were still us. I'm not forcing myself to move on anymore. I've stopped pretending to be alright since I AM alright. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore.

You know, I can read his letters without feeling bad! I've stopped crying while reading those letters..ü sometimes, when we get the chance to talk to each other, we tease each other to other people, and it doesn't affect me! It just makes me smile thinking that I once had him.. and once, I called him mine...

I don't miss him as much as I used to. I still love him, though.

But you know what... none of those were true.. thanks for hurting me Lie.. I thought everything would be better with your help. But it made it even worse! I miss him more! I want to see him each and everyday! The only truth there is that I still love him.... If only I could teach my heart to follow my mind, everything would be okay...

insanity

2007-03-13T19:22:00.000+08:00

di ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. i told myself TONS of times that I'd leace my feelings all behind, I'd forget all about it, so that I won't get hurt anymore. pero bakit ganun? kinausap mo lang ako., nahuhulog uli ako sayo... :( lalo na nung hinanap mo ako kanina.. nung di mo ako nakita... nung sinabi mong hinintay mo ako... :( pero, im not like before.. na iisiping "mahal pa niya ako kasi hinintay niya ko/kasi hinahanap niya ako.." and those kinds of crap.. those were the thoughts that made this scar in my heart BIG -- no, HUGE!!

"ginawa ko naman ang lahat, bakit bigla na lang naghanap..."

the line says it all.. ginawa ko naman ang lahat ah! the promises WE'VE made!? I've KEPT THEM ALL! akala mo ba hindi ako nahirapan?! hirap na hirap ako nun!! just the thought of not having you beside me kills! sana naman tiniis mo rin un tulad ko.... akala ko ba kaya mo akong hintayin?! bakit iilang buwan lang., di mo pa nagawa?! alam mo..... kung di mo pala kaya.. sana sinabi mo sakin ng maaga.. para di ako umasa sa wala!! alam mo, nasasaktan parin ako ngayon!! bumabalik nga ung closeness natin.. pero halatang umiiwas ka parin sakin.... :(

"ang dating walang hanggan, nagkaroon ng katapusan.... :'("

you kept on telling me that nothing's gonna make you change your mind when it comes to loving me.. you told me that you'll love me forever... well, i guess forever's just a fantasy.. i believed every little thing you've told me.. yes, i believed them all. was I such a fool to believe? I don't think so.. I love you.. I just wish EVERYTHING that you have told me are/were/will be true...

"someone promised that he'd catch me,

but then he let me fall..."

promises.. i should've learned that promises were MADE and MEANT to be broken... but i don't know.. I'm still hoping someone would prove me wrong...

"i try to walk away but i keep telling myself..

..HE's the ONE for me..

WE were MEANT TO BE..."

Yes, believe it or not, I still tell myself that. Stupidity might be my bestfriend right now. Insanity is my sister. But, would you blame me? could you? If you were in my shoes... what would you do? When your guy suddenly tells you he has let go, when you thought he still loves you....?

"i tried to believe that it wasn't true..."

......when you told me you have let go.... :'(

"still i'm here though burning inside..."

again -- Yes, I'm still here.. I know I should be out there having fun on my own. But no, I'm not doing that. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just waiting for him to tell me the answer to my still-burning question... I just want to know how he could do that to me...

"just the notion of goodbye,

it breaks my heart,

it tears me up inside........."

those lines speak for itself... i never knew how painful "goodbye" was... until he said that to me...

"turn and walk away...."

i know.. i know.. that's what i should do... but why is it so hard?!

"my head says go and find the door..

but my heart says i've found you...."

hehe.. complicated noh? my mind's been telling me to move on the day he broke my heart... my i just can't seem to make my heart follow...

"loving someone,

losing myself

only left me to blame..."

i blame him for hurting me.. i blame myself for not realizing the fact that i should move on...

"maybe I'll make it after all..."

hoping.. hoping i'd make it...

27 February entry

2007-03-13T18:03:00.000+08:00

from my other blog..

seven
Perfect is such a figurative word. Everybody wants a "perfect score" on every test. Everybody wants to have a "perfect life". Every girl wants to meet that "perfect guy" and have a "perfect love story". But you see, "perfect" doesn't exist, it never existed! All hopes and dreams will just shatter with that word. Still, everybody hopes for one.

I thought I once had that "perfect love". He wasn't perfect at all, but for me, he's all that I needed. He's a gentleman, caring, sweet, understanding, funny, always there for me, to protect me, and he loved me. He's the living definition of "perfect" to me. But like what I said ("All hopes and dreams will just shatter... blahblahblah..), "perfect" doesn't exist, right? My "perfect" man did, but the "perfect" love didn't last as long as I thought it would be.

He never left my side. He was my knight-in-shining-armor. He was there to protect me. He was there for me especially in times I never expect him to be there. He loved me whole-heartedly. He took care of me as I was somewhat something precious. He gave me everything (non-material) that I needed. He made me realize that I didn't need any material thing just to be happy. He wrote me love letters. He gave me gifts, even at times when there's no occasion. He was there during my ups-and-downs. He fought for me. He was my pillow, my shoulder to cry on, my comfort zone. He was my cookie, my baby, my baby bear, my journal. He proved to me that he can go out of his way just for me. He was there to be with me whenever I was lonely. He never failed to show me how much he cares for me, how much he loves me, how much I mean to him, how important I was to him. As for me? I never failed to do anything. I knew how much he loved me, and I knew how much I loved him. Though words can never express it.

I loved him with all my heart. I fought for him. I wanted to be with him. But somehow, sometimes he feels like I wasn't "acting like myself." My reason? I was so scared that my parents would find out. Why? Just because I didn't want to lose him, I never want to lose him. He kinda understood that. but...

When I broke it off, I told him why. Studies. Studies. Studies. It's true. But I didn't tell him about my family. He knew I didn't want to lose the trust my parents entrusted to me. What he didn't know, was they kinda know about it.

He made promises. He swore. Every little thing he said, I believed him. I never doubted that he would fail to do them, because he never failed to do what he told me he would. He said he's wait, I believed, I waited. Months I've endured without him. It was hard, I must say. But I knew I had to go through it, I kept thinking that this is only a challenge. But I thought wrong.

On the seventh month, I asked him again. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he loved me. He kept on saying stuffs. But he couldn't say yes or no. I was hurt. It felt like someone has stabbed my heart and kept on stabbing it until there was nothing left of it. Then it struck me, I waited for something that would never happen.:(

i should've...

2007-03-12T20:50:00.000+08:00

I should've done something way back. I should've said something when I had the chance. But why didn't I? Why didn't I try to open my mouth to say something? Anything?! Maybe I knew right from the start that nothing would change... even if I had the guts to say something. Would things be any different? I wouldn't know. I'm just living life thinking of "what-could-have-been's".

Just one word might've changed my life. I would've been bubblier, happier, and more at ease. Am I sure with that? No, I'm not. I don't even know if life would've been harder if things weren't this way! How I wish I had the courage to let him know how I feel. But, it's too late now. Is it?

Scared. That's the perfect word! I was so scared to let him know that I was wrong.. wrong to even make that decision. But nothing could ever change that now. Yes, I admitted it, I realized it now. But, would it change anything?

10 months (and counting?), I've been like this for 10 months. I pity myself for even staying like this for that long! But it won't last. I will change... EVERYTHING will change. Now, I have the guts to move on with life and let go of it all.. But still, it doesn't change the fact that I still love him... :'(

I promised not to let go, I promised to hold on. I might still be doing that.. but secretly. I just wish he'd soon realize my worth. I just wish that he'd realize how much he let go the moment he let go of me! I just wish he still loves me... even if not in the same degree.... :'(

Confessions of a broken girl

2007-03-11T21:07:00.000+08:00

"Pagsisihan mo, yan ang sabi mo

pero di mo na gusto ngayon

Pagsisihan mo ang sinabi mo

na ayoko na sa'yo..."

let's just say that's what I want him to feel.. gusto kong magsisi siya sa lahat ng ginawa niya sakin.. gusto ko pagsisihan niya lahat ng luhang iniyak ko! (ang lalim ah! haha..) ewan ko ba.. i don't know why i'm like this.. siguro nga, kung iisipin mo, paano mo itatratong "bestfriend" ang ex mo kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya? kung mahal mo pa siya? ang hirap dba? pero wala tayong magagawa. wala akong magagawa. that's just how life is.

Before, I was ready to risk anything for love, even the trust my parents gave me. Now, heck! ayoko na noh! I never realized how hard it would be. I never realized how long it would take me to get over him, until now. 10 months of aggravation, 10 months of tears, 10 months of grief, and what do I get? Nothing. Am I pathetic to even love him until now? Maybe. He succeeded on blinding me. Maybe not. That's just how love is, right? But why does love have to be associated with pain? Can't we just feel it without getting hurt? No. You'll never learn how to love someone truly unless you felt hurt, you've felt pain, and especially (my good old friend!ü) sorrow. It's hard to imagine, but that's true. So, I'm doing it right. I'm loving him truly, and deeply. And at the same time, I'm getting hurt. I realized how special he is, how much I love him when he left. Maybe I knew right from the start how much I love him. But insanity and stupidity had to come my way.

I was willing to sacrifice a whole entire school year without him by my side. Before the "break up", I already knew how it would affect him, and how it would affect me. I knew it would hurt like hell! But I said to myself, Maybe, by doing so, something great is in-store for us in the end.... Was I being too optimistic that everything turned upside-down? Maybe. But what has being optimistic had to do with it?! Being optimistic is about thinking positive things, right? But, why did it have to end this way? They say just ask His guidance. Throughout the year, I've been talking to Him. He practically knows everyhthing that I think, I feel, and I want. But why? Why does he have to go away?

I believed him when he said he'd wait. I believed him when he said we're meant for each other. But I got hurt by believing those things. Were they lies? I'm not sure. Should I still believe? Maybe. Maybe something good will happen if I stay believing, maybe not. Should I hold on? Maybe. Maybe not. Could I hold on any longer? No. I would be stupid if I said yes. But why am I still holding on? Love has a weird effect on me. ugh. It sucks. But there's nothing more I could do. Haii.... All I could do is love him secretly. I can't force someone to love me if that's what he doesn't feel. I just hope that one day, he'll realize his faults. I hope he'll realize how much I've sacrificed, and risked just for him. I just hope he'll realize that before I learn how to let go and tell him "I've done EVERYTHING for you.... Now, I've had enough....."

Operation: spill the beans

2007-03-10T19:48:00.000+08:00

I got this from my other blog...

Operation: spill the beans
I asked a friend of mine to "talk" to m today. I wanted to know how he is -- since he's obviously not talking to me. They're actually talking right now. As I am on the verge of tears waiting on how their conversation went.

I gave her his YMid. Well, she didn't tell him to whom she got it. For sure, he wouldn't talk to her, and he would go ballistic if he finds out its me. As my friend keeps on talking -- more of "chatting" with him, I found him friendly. He was like M last 2004.. I miss him... ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna cry.. Obviously, he changed -- towards me. And, it hurts. Badly. I try not to cry. My sister is here. I can't risk it.

But you know what, as the night gets deeper, I realized that I still care for him. I realized, I should let go, or these feelings won't go away. I know, I kinda used my friend to know everything about him, is it bad? I don't know. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know.

It goes to show that when you love someone, no matter how hard it is, you will go out of your way, out of your league just to know if he's okay. You'll do whatever it takes just to know he's not in trouble, just to know how life's treating him. Will it do you any good? No. It'll only make the "hope", the "dreams" and the "wishes" grow. It'll only make the scar deeper than expected. It'll only hurt you more. These are the times when reality strikes you. When it tells you to face the facts and go on with life, even though you're alone. But hey, it'll make you even more independent, right? And that right person for you will come your way soon.

Broken promises and tears may seem to be sad. But as the sadness moves in, a new door for a new beginning slowly opens. Cheer up! Everything will be put in place. Wear that smile proud and as you move forward, never look back. Sometimes, looking back is what's preventing you from living life to the fullest!Ü