Thursday, April 05, 2007,:
From all the changes I've gone through, from all the misery and pain I've felt, still, I'm running, running away from the reality that
EVERYTHING has changed...Months before, I thought my life was
perfect, that nothing could go wrong. But when it did, I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was clueless -- having no idea of what to do, how to be strong, and
how to live my life alone... I consistently and continuously fooled myself that everything will be alroght, that things will be ok, and that I'll learn how to forget. Things aren't as easy as I thought it would be.
I remember having a hard time consoling my best friend when she and her bf parted ways. I thought it was pointless crying over him for over a year. I tried calming her down but nothing even worked. I never understood why, and how she could let herself be in sorrow like that. I understood how she felt, but I didn't know why she couldn't leave him. The moment I was actually in that situation, everything (my perspective, my thoughts, my beliefs) changed. I used to plan everything ahead. Even in the past, everything we would do should be planned. Usually, when we go out, or when he's going to visit me, we'll plan on what we'll do when we're together. I thought nothing would EVER go wrong when everything's picture perfect. But I wasn't ready for what the year 2006 had in store for me, for him, for US. I never expected anything. Thinking forever, we would be together. No one planned it all. Now I realized, I got so attached that I couldn't even learn how to let go. Day by day, my grip with yesterday gets firmer.
Insane, stupid, foolish, pointless -- words I describe people who let themselves get hurt by their past loves. I knew I was foolish for everything I had done just to get back what I had. But though I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't help it but to STILL breakdown, and cry -- even if it means crying myself to sleep.
Those days are long gone. Honestly, I've learned how to smile (again!), be happy (again!) and live life and have fun with it. Pathetic, but it took one guy to help me get myself up to my two feet. I feel happy now.Ü Though I know this happiness I feel whenever he's around is uncertain if it will last forever, I try to live my life day-by-day. Smiles are a part of my day now. No more tears each and every night. But despite the happiness, despite the smiles and the laughter, there are still those times when I just sit alone on my bed and reminisce about the past.
Now, I can say that whoever passes thru your life, he can NEVER replace that certain someone.. no matter how happy he made you.. no matter what he did to make you let go.. he can never replace him. He's an addition to your life, he is special to you, but it doesn't mean that he replaced someone. 'Cause no matter how hard we try,
he will ALWAYS be a part of our life, no matter how hard it kills us. I still get hurt. I still cry. I still want him by my side. Is it bad? Should I stop these feelings I have for him? I don't know. Still, I don't know what to do. It's so hard talking to him casually, when I'm used to baby him and everything. It's hard to be 'just bestfriends' when you know you want something more. But, is there anything we could do? We could tell him how and what we feel. But we can never demand what we want. It takes two to tango, you can never do it alone. You have no right to tell him what to do, you have no right to tell him "tayo na uli kasi mahal pa rin kita", unless.... Unless that's what he wants.
Life's pretty hard. All we could do is live it, love it, and accept everything that it's headed our way.. regardless of the sorrow, and the pain that we might feel.
Labels: accept, change, life
