today, my summer classes started officially. i didn't know that some of my friends enrolled in the same class i did (like Boogie, Mia, and Benjie) but at least i've got some people to talk to, right? :)

never knew summer classes would be fast-paced. our prof discussed the lessons that i had to learn in a week last term, in one friggin' day! i hate to admit it, if i only studied well in intecal last term, i wouldn't have been stuck in manila trying to pass it again.:| and i would be going to the province witnessing Kuya Geepee's wedding on may 4 as one of the bridesmaids.

and because i was stupid enough to fail it - unintentionally - and was stupid enough not to pass my med certificate, i'll be left in Manila, with only Ate Daday with me, while my parents and my sister goes off to Romblon, head to the beach and the wedding.

ugh.
this is NOT my kind of summer. :|

Labels: anger, bloggie, college, dlsu, escapades, gimik, life, random, summer, vacation, why

i've never really known what it feels like to fail. i've always been known as "the smart girl" or the intelligent one of my batch. now, i can't face them and say i failed.

Labels: bloggie, class, college, dlsu, exam, hurt, life

it's been awhile since i've posted another bloggie. let's just say my being busy and lazy got the best out of me :))

soo, i read my past entries here and i admit, they're all pathetic. well, i just needed to let out things and rant, but i didn't realize how bad i had it :| i'm glad i've let it all go. :)

tomorrow is the said "judgement day" in DLSU. yess, our course card distribution day has finally arrived, and i'm not even excited about it. :\ intecal has got me worried ever since i was absent on our second quiz 'caue i was in the hospital getting my bp checked. :| apparently, at that time, my heart rate was way too high that they had to use ECG (i think?). i wasn't ALLOWED to fail any of the quizzed i've got left. but lo and behold, i had to fail one :| and since i forgot to pass my med certificate to the vice dean, my missed quiz was recorded as 0. :|

i hope and i pray that i would atleast get a 1.0.
i know i'm not worthy of anything higher than that. :|

Labels: bloggie, class, college, dlsu, dreams, exam, life, random, school, sick

on this day, three years ago
you were here beside me..
on this day, three years ago..
our faces with smiles, both of us were happy.

but that was three years ago
it seems like yesterday
but it happened too long ago
i wish you could've stayed

-------

he turns 19.
on this day three years ago,
he spent it with me.

who would've thought
that after three years
i would be able to greet him face to face.

happy birthday, m!(:
ily, imy.

Labels: babybear, bloggie, change, dlsu, life, nostalgia, random, year

why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).

finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for solimen, kinda ready for diffcal, but i'm NOT yet ready for anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))

----------

saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i didn't see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\

i hate it. :|

----------

anyhoo, needs a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my finals!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, class, college, complicated, dlsu, escapades, hurt, life, miss, promises, random, why

early in the morning, strawberry eyes had to welcome me. :\ remember the guy i was pertaining to in my previous blog? well, see the thing is, i had to set the record straight. seems like everything is sooo wrong. and before things get out of hand, i have to let him go. sadly, both of us didn't want to. it felt like it was sort of a break up even though it wasn't. i was supposed to avoid him and not text him. but he keeps on texting me! :'(

anyway, i had to go to Quezon Ave. to meet with my blockmate, Im. Our research paper is due on wednesday sooooo cram cram cram!! I live in the South and we're meeting somewhere in the North. So how in the world would I go there, right? Thank God for MRTs. :)) I left home around 8-ish, and rode a jeepney going to Pasay. when in Pasay, i rode off the jeepney and took the MRT. gaaawd, ang layoooo pala ng Quezon Ave. :|

anyhooo, i texted my blockmate when i reached cubao. He gave me directions and things -- in short, i had to meet him in McDo. :)) when i saw him, he told me that we'll be meeting with another blockmate, J. Say hello to randomness and laughter.:))

since he was still at home, I decided that we should wait outside J's house na lang. since none of us knew where he lived, we had to call him pa. :)) When we found out na, Im realized that J lived somewhere around the corner lang. After minutes of patience and the like, we drove off to Burger King in Timog Ave. :)

Basically, we just ate there since after eating, the 3 of us decided to do our school things in J's house. :)) bastaaaa. can't narrate everything 'cause it'll take up too much space. :) thing is, we were supposed to finish englres but couldn't, luckily, we almost did :) they, Im and J, played red alert why I youtube-d at the same time. :))

Im and I were supposed to go somewhere at 2pm though both of us lost track of time. :)) sooo, both of us were late for our thingies. :)) i was supposed to go to glorietta to meet with my hs friends: Alroze, Joshua and Marlon. hassle nga eh. haha. i forgot how far q.ave was. sooo, i got there at around 3:30pm

twilight was the movie we were going to watch. one of the cinemas there will show twilight at 3:40pm. sakto lang! haha. we sat somewhere in front 'cause that's the only place wherein unoccupied seats were found. i am kinda disappointed with the movie.:| i love the book better. lots of important stuff weren't added to the movie.:| the storyline was too fast-paced. Jasper was a bit stony. any omg, doesn't anyone notice how fast edward and bella became an item?! the author had a little exposure in the movie, too. i think the only thing i liked about it is the baseball scene. gotta love the song supermassive black hole by the muse :)

overall, i'd give it 2 stars. one for my love of the book, the other for the kilig factor that was ever present in the movie. :)

gtg guys, classes resume tomorrow. :|

Labels: bloggie, boybud, college, dlsu, escapades, friends, life, random, school

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself fall.

now, i suffer the consequences.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my heart than my mind.
was I even using my heart?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just caught up with this feeling?

idk.

Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

AWKWARD.

it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\

in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates), coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?

i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.

"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.

when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.

minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him. "WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.

after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.

since then, everytime we see each other, awkward. it's been awkward ever since. i really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i still feel the same way about him. that i still love him.

i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm SURE the awkwardness was mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?

i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why

words i still could not believe i heard from A -- 'i wanna be with you'.

he's been coming in and out of my life. damn! i'm getting confused 'cause of him.

hopefully, soon, he'll clear things up.

Labels: bloggie, confusion, life

it's been awhile since i've been online. our router's busted so i can't get connected. :| bummer. my laptop is for music purposes for the meantime. XD

bloggie, bloggie, bloggie. it's been awhile, too! XD and i'm more confused than ever!

i had this weird dream a couple of nights ago. weird because before i slept, i was thinking of a guy, but he wasn't the guy i dreamt about! another guy popped out from my dream. haha. past, baby! :))

i'll updated bloggie when router's fixed. gah. i miss the net. :(

Labels: bloggie, complicated, confusion, dreams, life, random

sh*t!

you're making me fall for you all over again

sh*t!

sh*t!

Labels: babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, lie, life, love, miss, ouch, selfish, why

You can run, but you can't hide...

From all the changes I've gone through, from all the misery and pain I've felt, still, I'm running, running away from the reality that EVERYTHING has changed...

Months before, I thought my life was perfect, that nothing could go wrong. But when it did, I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I was clueless -- having no idea of what to do, how to be strong, and how to live my life alone... I consistently and continuously fooled myself that everything will be alroght, that things will be ok, and that I'll learn how to forget. Things aren't as easy as I thought it would be.

I remember having a hard time consoling my best friend when she and her bf parted ways. I thought it was pointless crying over him for over a year. I tried calming her down but nothing even worked. I never understood why, and how she could let herself be in sorrow like that. I understood how she felt, but I didn't know why she couldn't leave him. The moment I was actually in that situation, everything (my perspective, my thoughts, my beliefs) changed. I used to plan everything ahead. Even in the past, everything we would do should be planned. Usually, when we go out, or when he's going to visit me, we'll plan on what we'll do when we're together. I thought nothing would EVER go wrong when everything's picture perfect. But I wasn't ready for what the year 2006 had in store for me, for him, for US. I never expected anything. Thinking forever, we would be together. No one planned it all. Now I realized, I got so attached that I couldn't even learn how to let go. Day by day, my grip with yesterday gets firmer.

Insane, stupid, foolish, pointless -- words I describe people who let themselves get hurt by their past loves. I knew I was foolish for everything I had done just to get back what I had. But though I was conscious of what I was doing, I couldn't help it but to STILL breakdown, and cry -- even if it means crying myself to sleep.

Those days are long gone. Honestly, I've learned how to smile (again!), be happy (again!) and live life and have fun with it. Pathetic, but it took one guy to help me get myself up to my two feet. I feel happy now.Ü Though I know this happiness I feel whenever he's around is uncertain if it will last forever, I try to live my life day-by-day. Smiles are a part of my day now. No more tears each and every night. But despite the happiness, despite the smiles and the laughter, there are still those times when I just sit alone on my bed and reminisce about the past.

Now, I can say that whoever passes thru your life, he can NEVER replace that certain someone.. no matter how happy he made you.. no matter what he did to make you let go.. he can never replace him. He's an addition to your life, he is special to you, but it doesn't mean that he replaced someone. 'Cause no matter how hard we try, he will ALWAYS be a part of our life, no matter how hard it kills us.

I still get hurt. I still cry. I still want him by my side. Is it bad? Should I stop these feelings I have for him? I don't know. Still, I don't know what to do. It's so hard talking to him casually, when I'm used to baby him and everything. It's hard to be 'just bestfriends' when you know you want something more. But, is there anything we could do? We could tell him how and what we feel. But we can never demand what we want. It takes two to tango, you can never do it alone. You have no right to tell him what to do, you have no right to tell him "tayo na uli kasi mahal pa rin kita", unless.... Unless that's what he wants.

Life's pretty hard. All we could do is live it, love it, and accept everything that it's headed our way.. regardless of the sorrow, and the pain that we might feel.

Labels: accept, change, life

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!