today, my summer classes started officially. i didn't know that some of my friends enrolled in the same class i did (like
Boogie,
Mia, and
Benjie) but at least i've got some people to talk to, right? :)
never knew summer classes would be
fast-paced. our prof discussed the lessons that i had to learn in
a week last term, in
one friggin' day! i hate to admit it, if i only studied well in intecal last term, i wouldn't have been stuck in manila trying to pass it again.:| and i would be going to the province witnessing
Kuya Geepee's wedding on may 4 as one of the
bridesmaids.
and because i was
stupid enough to fail it -
unintentionally - and was stupid enough not to pass my med certificate, i'll be left in Manila, with only Ate Daday with me, while
my parents and
my sister goes off to Romblon, head to the
beach and the wedding.
ugh.
this is
NOT my kind of summer. :|
Labels: anger, bloggie, college, dlsu, escapades, gimik, life, random, summer, vacation, why
Friday, January 30, 2009,:
why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[
let's put a new addition to the
lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.
we [someone close to
us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said
"alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here],
nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked,
"eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"and this was what the guy told me,
"yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."
if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that
he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't
makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.
and now, now that i am
slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[
so, he just came back to me 'cause
she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his
rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[
then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.
but, then again, will
THAT ever happen?
Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why
Wednesday, December 03, 2008,:
my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).
finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for
solimen, kinda ready for
diffcal, but i'm
NOT yet ready for
anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))
----------
saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i
didn't see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\
i
hate it. :|
----------
anyhoo, needs
a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my
finals!:)
Labels: babybear, bloggie, class, college, complicated, dlsu, escapades, hurt, life, miss, promises, random, why
Sunday, November 30, 2008,:
i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself
fall.
now, i suffer the
consequences.
i
know better.
i
knew better.
stupid. i followed my
heart than my
mind.
was
I even using my
heart?
am i sure
that's what i'm feeling?
or am i just
caught up with this feeling?
idk.Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why
Monday, November 24, 2008,:
it feels so
right, yet so
wrong.i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.
the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.
is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?
------
on the uglier side of things. this week is
hell week for the block. :\
guys, wish me luck this
wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word:
ANAGEOMi DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\
Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why
Thursday, October 23, 2008,:
AWKWARD.it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\
in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates),
coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?
i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.
"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was
happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.
when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.
minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him.
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.
after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.
since then, everytime we see each other,
awkward. it's been
awkward ever since. i
really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i
still feel the same way about him. that
i still love him.
i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm
SURE the awkwardness was
mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's
NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?
i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.
Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why
Saturday, September 13, 2008,:
sh*t!you're making me
fall for you all over
againsh*t!sh*t!Labels: babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, lie, life, love, miss, ouch, selfish, why
Monday, August 20, 2007,:
after 2months, suddenly, the communication stopped. i thought he* was too busy. i thought he* had too many problems. i didn't mind. i kept the communication. i didn't care that he* wasn't replying, as long as he* knows i care.
later on, i found out he* was having a family problem (that's what he told me and my bestfriend). i had faith in him* that he* could fix it. i was scared that he* wouldn't 'cause i think it would resolve on risking what we have. he*, then, PROMISED (yup, that word that i hate to hear) me that if ever he* wouldn't or couldn't fix it, he* would tell me what it is. i knew him*. well, i thought i did. so, i put my trust in him*.
after a month, i had no news about his* "problem". my birthday came and he* greeted me. just a simple "happy birthday", that's exactly how he* sent it. i didn't care if it didn't seem too happy, or if i didn't feel any emotion coming from the text. i knew he* greeted me, that alone made me happy. i didn't care if he* didn't reply after i replied to that greeting. i knew something was up, i didn't mind. maybe i was too blind.
after a couple of weeks, our* day came. i was soo happy! i even saved my greeting to him* days before. but i had this strange feeling. i was scared, wanting the day not to come. i knew it will happen. i knew it will end. but i thought to myself "i'm just paranoid", or so i thought. maybe i was just blind.
midnight struck on our very day, i waited for it. by exactly 12 midnight, i sent him my message. he replied. but there's something in that text that made me wonder. for a few minutes, i didn't mind (i was reading hp7). but after it sank in my system, i had the courage to ask. though i knew where it will lead me to.
he* was numb. he* seemed like he* didn't care about me. he* said goodbye. i told him* "don't". he* told me "what if i don't love you anymore?" the line most martyrs (including myself) say "i don't care. i'll take care of you. i'll show you how much i love you! don't leave me.." nonetheless, he* left.
it didn't sink in me. well, it did the moment i told that to my bestfriend the next day. i didn't care if i was crying in school, or if teachers can see me, or if my boybud saw me.
i was hurt, i was sad, i felt pain, i was confused, it was complicated, and once again, i was left alone. like 4 months ago, when he* held me up when i was down. i didn't imagine that he*, of all people, would be the next one to pull me down.
i loved him*. and i still do. i care for him*. i never lied to him*. i was sincere. i was faithful. i was loyal. maybe he* wasn't mr.Right. maybe he* was just mr.Right-now. but i still think that he* didn't want to end it. that something had forced him* and made him* do it. i know him*. i know he* loved, and still loves me. something may be the reason why he* did it. and until now, i'm frustrated 'cause i don't even know what the reason of my depression is. yes, it's because he* left me. but why did he*? will i ever know the truth? is that even the truth?Labels: letting go, love, spongebob, tears, teddybear, truth, why
