why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

do you know how it feels to give up everything and to sacrifice everything just for the one you love? i do. i didn't care what others might tell me or think of me, as long as i stay with him*.

after 2months, suddenly, the communication stopped. i thought he* was too busy. i thought he* had too many problems. i didn't mind. i kept the communication. i didn't care that he* wasn't replying, as long as he* knows i care.

later on, i found out he* was having a family problem (that's what he told me and my bestfriend). i had faith in him* that he* could fix it. i was scared that he* wouldn't 'cause i think it would resolve on risking what we have. he*, then, PROMISED (yup, that word that i hate to hear) me that if ever he* wouldn't or couldn't fix it, he* would tell me what it is. i knew him*. well, i thought i did. so, i put my trust in him*.

after a month, i had no news about his* "problem". my birthday came and he* greeted me. just a simple "happy birthday", that's exactly how he* sent it. i didn't care if it didn't seem too happy, or if i didn't feel any emotion coming from the text. i knew he* greeted me, that alone made me happy. i didn't care if he* didn't reply after i replied to that greeting. i knew something was up, i didn't mind. maybe i was too blind.

after a couple of weeks, our* day came. i was soo happy! i even saved my greeting to him* days before. but i had this strange feeling. i was scared, wanting the day not to come. i knew it will happen. i knew it will end. but i thought to myself "i'm just paranoid", or so i thought. maybe i was just blind.

midnight struck on our very day, i waited for it. by exactly 12 midnight, i sent him my message. he replied. but there's something in that text that made me wonder. for a few minutes, i didn't mind (i was reading hp7). but after it sank in my system, i had the courage to ask. though i knew where it will lead me to.

he* was numb. he* seemed like he* didn't care about me. he* said goodbye. i told him* "don't". he* told me "what if i don't love you anymore?" the line most martyrs (including myself) say "i don't care. i'll take care of you. i'll show you how much i love you! don't leave me.." nonetheless, he* left.

it didn't sink in me. well, it did the moment i told that to my bestfriend the next day. i didn't care if i was crying in school, or if teachers can see me, or if my boybud saw me.

i was hurt, i was sad, i felt pain, i was confused, it was complicated, and once again, i was left alone. like 4 months ago, when he* held me up when i was down. i didn't imagine that he*, of all people, would be the next one to pull me down.

i loved him*. and i still do. i care for him*. i never lied to him*. i was sincere. i was faithful. i was loyal. maybe he* wasn't mr.Right. maybe he* was just mr.Right-now. but i still think that he* didn't want to end it. that something had forced him* and made him* do it. i know him*. i know he* loved, and still loves me. something may be the reason why he* did it. and until now, i'm frustrated 'cause i don't even know what the reason of my depression is. yes, it's because he* left me. but why did he*? will i ever know the truth? is that even the truth?

Labels: letting go, love, spongebob, tears, teddybear, truth, why

sometimes, most things are better kept unsaid...

talks about other people to someone you love is really hard. especially if the feelign still lingers on. it's like your heart and your chest is gonna blow up! but, there's nothing you can do about it but to accept and face the fact that someday, somehow, you'll be with someone. but there's that uncertainty that that someone is not gonna be him...

marty and i kinda talked about "future relationships" with other people. i was trying so hard not to sound too hurt. but i can hear he's hurt. he told me he's having a hard time to tell me about it 'cause of what he had. i told him "sayo na nanggaling na bestfriends tayo.. well., that's what we should be., dba?" i admit, talking about "it" to him is really hard. but somehow, i've -- we've got to face it.

he told me "parang kayo na nga nun eh... and i don't know.. it can't seem to stop..." i asked him what it was. i'm kinda having the idea. but still, i want to hear it from him. "i can't seem to stop getting mad or angry everytime i hear you spending time with other guys..." kinilig ako dun. pero, hearing from him that he met someone from Miriam College, and that he's getting to know her... that made me kinda mad, too. am i selfish? do i sound selfish for saying that? ugh. i don't know. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel.

i got hurt when he told me "balang araw, i know you'll find someone new..." di ko alam kung malungkot ba un or happy.. pero i told him "ikaw rin naman eh.. you're a nice guy.. i know mauunahan mo pa ako magkaroon ng bago.." he told me 'no'.. ayaw daw niya.. i wanted to know why.. bigla na lang siya nagsalita.. "i can't erase the fact that it might not be you.. when i talk to her, i always wish na sana maingay siya, na ma-kwento parang ikaw.. whenever i text her, i wish na pag magrereply siya, parang ikaw.." napatigil ako dun.. alam naman niya na hindi un ung gusto kong marinig. gusto kong marinig sa kanya na gusto niyang bumalik sakin. na nagseselos siya pag kausap ko iba, na gusto niya ibalik ung dati. i want to hear him say "i want my baby bear back..." that's all i want. mahaba pa naman ang summer.. i might hear it. i might not. pero, sana lang talaga., sabihin niya un.


i can feel the connection, still. it's not that strong anymore like it used to be. but i know, when we're given a chance to spend time with each other, it just might live again. but the question is, do i want it back? does he want it back? now that everything has changed...

i miss those times of laughter with him. i admit, i can't resist comparing them to each other. they're almost alike! yet still so different from each other. i'm happy with spongebob -- i really am! but... ugh! i don't know what to do. i don't know anything!

i love marty, still... but i love spongebob... torn... torn... torn between the two.. if only i know what marty has in store, if only i know what marty wants, if only.. i would know what to do.. sadly, i'm not in control anymore...

Labels: change, complicated, confusion, truth

bat ganun? no matter how much i put the thought of letting go on my mind, the moment he re-enters in my life, it all comes crashing down....

we've been talking to each other since the past week. i know, this is what i've wanted for about 10 months na. i should be happy, right? pero bat ganun.. mas matindi ung kaba ko kesa sa happiness. there's a part of me telling that he has realized how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me... but... the other part of me is telling otherwise.. these thoughts of him courting some girl but got dumped that's why he's crawling right back to me can't be erased! parang kasi unbelievable na after 10, long months, babalik siya sakin ng ganun-ganun na lang...

is fate playing a game on me? the night a friend of mine becomes close to me, is the same night marty told me that he misses me... that he still loves me.. don't get me wrong.. i've stopped hoping. i would be hurting myself more if i still do.

i'm getting scared by the minute. i don't know what he wants from me. i don't know if he's planning on anything. all i know is that we're friends.. bestfriends.. PERIOD!

and if that time comes that he'll tell me that he wants me back,. what will i do? what should i do? honestly speaking, i don't have any idea. like what patrick said "di mawawala ung love mo para sa kanya..." and he's right.. kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ung love ko para sa kanya., andun pa rin eh.. siguro male-lessen., siguro hindi.. pero, ewan ko.. i don't know what to do.. unless,... unless something happens..

one day, someday.. i'll face the truth.. whatever the truth may be....

Labels: babybear, complicated, truth

Dear lie...

I just want you to know that I hate him! I know now why he did that to me. I know why he left me hanging. I know everything!

I'm satisfied with it now.. being his best friend. yup! you read it right. I'm satisfied.ü is it so hard to believe? Maybe. But yes. I'm satisfied being his bestfriend. At least I'm his bestfriend, right? Rather than just "a friend". I don't feel bad anymore. Tears have been a stranger since then. Sadness was never a friend. And frown is just a word that I don't understand.

I've been smiling now.Ü I'm not the same old Bianca that you used to know. I'm not the Bianca who cries herself to sleep 'cause of regret. I don't punish myself by wondering what could have happened if it were still us. I'm not forcing myself to move on anymore. I've stopped pretending to be alright since I AM alright. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore.

You know, I can read his letters without feeling bad! I've stopped crying while reading those letters..ü sometimes, when we get the chance to talk to each other, we tease each other to other people, and it doesn't affect me! It just makes me smile thinking that I once had him.. and once, I called him mine...

I don't miss him as much as I used to. I still love him, though.

But you know what... none of those were true.. thanks for hurting me Lie.. I thought everything would be better with your help. But it made it even worse! I miss him more! I want to see him each and everyday! The only truth there is that I still love him.... If only I could teach my heart to follow my mind, everything would be okay...

Labels: broken, lie, love, truth

I got this from my other blog...


Operation: spill the beans
I asked a friend of mine to "talk" to m today. I wanted to know how he is -- since he's obviously not talking to me. They're actually talking right now. As I am on the verge of tears waiting on how their conversation went.

I gave her his YMid. Well, she didn't tell him to whom she got it. For sure, he wouldn't talk to her, and he would go ballistic if he finds out its me. As my friend keeps on talking -- more of "chatting" with him, I found him friendly. He was like M last 2004.. I miss him... ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna cry.. Obviously, he changed -- towards me. And, it hurts. Badly. I try not to cry. My sister is here. I can't risk it.

But you know what, as the night gets deeper, I realized that I still care for him. I realized, I should let go, or these feelings won't go away. I know, I kinda used my friend to know everything about him, is it bad? I don't know. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know.

It goes to show that when you love someone, no matter how hard it is, you will go out of your way, out of your league just to know if he's okay. You'll do whatever it takes just to know he's not in trouble, just to know how life's treating him. Will it do you any good? No. It'll only make the "hope", the "dreams" and the "wishes" grow. It'll only make the scar deeper than expected. It'll only hurt you more. These are the times when reality strikes you. When it tells you to face the facts and go on with life, even though you're alone. But hey, it'll make you even more independent, right? And that right person for you will come your way soon.

Broken promises and tears may seem to be sad. But as the sadness moves in, a new door for a new beginning slowly opens. Cheer up! Everything will be put in place. Wear that smile proud and as you move forward, never look back. Sometimes, looking back is what's preventing you from living life to the fullest!Ü

Labels: lie, truth

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!