why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself fall.

now, i suffer the consequences.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my heart than my mind.
was I even using my heart?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just caught up with this feeling?

idk.

Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why

AWKWARD.

it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\

in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates), coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?

i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.

"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.

when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.

minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him. "WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.

after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.

since then, everytime we see each other, awkward. it's been awkward ever since. i really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i still feel the same way about him. that i still love him.

i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm SURE the awkwardness was mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?

i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why

can't think of a proper title for this entry.
well. no. i don't know.
simply, i can't think straight!

it sucks.
grrr.

details. details. details.
stupid mothereffin' f*cked up details.
(sorry for the language.)

i HATE it!!! :((

i need to talk to someone.
badly. IMMEDIATELY!

i don't want to go insane. :|

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, hurt, ouch, sick

ate ko, pinapansin niya. best friend ko, pinapansin niya. status niya, feeling ko pinapatamaan niya blockmate niya. paano na ako?! :'( di ba niya ako napapansin? ako na nga tong araw-araw nagpapaalala sa kanya na mag-ingat siya... ako ung araw-araw na tinetext niya.. pero wala eh.. :'(

Labels: broken, ouch

TIME can never get back what was ended..

Last night, as I was talking to spongebob on the phone, marty texted me.

"still up? usap tayo."

My heart punded as I read those words on my phone. I know I wanted to talk to him, but I was still talking to spongebob. If I told him that I was going to put the phone down just so marty could call, he'd get hurt. I know I have the option of lying to him, but I can't. I didn't know what to do. >.<

I talked to spongebob while I was texting marty. I was surprised when marty told me that he got me something from EK. I thought to myself "why would he get me something? and why did I pop out of his mind while he was in EK?" It made me want to talk to him more. I really wanted to talk to him -- i missed him! And he's my bestfriend.Ü Still, it doesn't change the fact that I have spongebob. I couldn't leave him.

At about 2am, I felt kinda woozy. I wanted to sleep, and I told spongebob that. The moment we put the fone down. I remembered marty. I called him up, and our talk lasted for about an hour. It was the longest hour of my life! At first, we were just fooling around, like we usually do. Then, our talk became serious. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it just did! He then told me something.. something that shocked me and made me forgot that I was supposed to go to sleep.

"bianx, edi manliligaw uli ako sa'yo?"

Those words struck me. Those were the words that I've been wanting to hear from him for the last 10 months, and now, I heard it. I really did. I didn't know what to feel -- I didn't know what I was supposed to feel! It just happened. I needed to hear it again. I couldn't believe it. I heard it -- yes, but I still couldn't believe it. He repeated it. But still, my mind couldn't process those words he said.

He told me naawa siya sakin. That he was forcing me to move on 10 months ago 'cause he can see that he was hurting me, he could see that i was hurting, that I couldn't stand it anymore, but still held on, hoping that something might happen. He wanted me to be happy, that's why he pushed me to forget, pushed me to believe that friends, and only friends, that's what we'll always be. Though he loved me, missed me, but he couldn't stand seeing me get hurt, get hurt by him.

"There was no month that I didn't cry, alam mo ba un? You rejected me, you pushed me away, heck! there were even days when you wouldn't talk to me, or even reply to any of my texts!! Do you know how hard that was!? But, I don't know.. I don't know why I held on.... Maybe because that's how much I love you..."

Speechless -- he was left speechless for what I said. I started to cry. But I was trying not to make it obvious. He was good -- really good. He knew I was crying right then and there. It was just like before. It was like I was with my babybear once again. It felt good, but I knew something was wrong. Something was DEFINITELY wrong.

This is what I wanted for months now. But now that I have it, I don't know what to do. I love him still, I love him so much. But I can't change the fact that I've learned to love spongebob, too. Someone's gonna get their heart broken. If I could help it, I'd save them both, and leave myself broken once again. :'(

Labels: broken, marty

Dear lie...

I just want you to know that I hate him! I know now why he did that to me. I know why he left me hanging. I know everything!

I'm satisfied with it now.. being his best friend. yup! you read it right. I'm satisfied.ü is it so hard to believe? Maybe. But yes. I'm satisfied being his bestfriend. At least I'm his bestfriend, right? Rather than just "a friend". I don't feel bad anymore. Tears have been a stranger since then. Sadness was never a friend. And frown is just a word that I don't understand.

I've been smiling now.Ü I'm not the same old Bianca that you used to know. I'm not the Bianca who cries herself to sleep 'cause of regret. I don't punish myself by wondering what could have happened if it were still us. I'm not forcing myself to move on anymore. I've stopped pretending to be alright since I AM alright. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore.

You know, I can read his letters without feeling bad! I've stopped crying while reading those letters..ü sometimes, when we get the chance to talk to each other, we tease each other to other people, and it doesn't affect me! It just makes me smile thinking that I once had him.. and once, I called him mine...

I don't miss him as much as I used to. I still love him, though.

But you know what... none of those were true.. thanks for hurting me Lie.. I thought everything would be better with your help. But it made it even worse! I miss him more! I want to see him each and everyday! The only truth there is that I still love him.... If only I could teach my heart to follow my mind, everything would be okay...

Labels: broken, lie, love, truth

• let's just say that's what I want him to feel.. gusto kong magsisi siya sa lahat ng ginawa niya sakin.. gusto ko pagsisihan niya lahat ng luhang iniyak ko! (ang lalim ah! haha..) ewan ko ba.. i don't know why i'm like this.. siguro nga, kung iisipin mo, paano mo itatratong "bestfriend" ang ex mo kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya? kung mahal mo pa siya? ang hirap dba? pero wala tayong magagawa. wala akong magagawa. that's just how life is.

• Before, I was ready to risk anything for love, even the trust my parents gave me. Now, heck! ayoko na noh! I never realized how hard it would be. I never realized how long it would take me to get over him, until now. 10 months of aggravation, 10 months of tears, 10 months of grief, and what do I get? Nothing. Am I pathetic to even love him until now? Maybe. He succeeded on blinding me. Maybe not. That's just how love is, right? But why does love have to be associated with pain? Can't we just feel it without getting hurt? No. You'll never learn how to love someone truly unless you felt hurt, you've felt pain, and especially (my good old friend!ü) sorrow. It's hard to imagine, but that's true. So, I'm doing it right. I'm loving him truly, and deeply. And at the same time, I'm getting hurt. I realized how special he is, how much I love him when he left. Maybe I knew right from the start how much I love him. But insanity and stupidity had to come my way.

• I was willing to sacrifice a whole entire school year without him by my side. Before the "break up", I already knew how it would affect him, and how it would affect me. I knew it would hurt like hell! But I said to myself, Maybe, by doing so, something great is in-store for us in the end.... Was I being too optimistic that everything turned upside-down? Maybe. But what has being optimistic had to do with it?! Being optimistic is about thinking positive things, right? But, why did it have to end this way? They say just ask His guidance. Throughout the year, I've been talking to Him. He practically knows everyhthing that I think, I feel, and I want. But why? Why does he have to go away?

• I believed him when he said he'd wait. I believed him when he said we're meant for each other. But I got hurt by believing those things. Were they lies? I'm not sure. Should I still believe? Maybe. Maybe something good will happen if I stay believing, maybe not. Should I hold on? Maybe. Maybe not. Could I hold on any longer? No. I would be stupid if I said yes. But why am I still holding on? Love has a weird effect on me. ugh. It sucks. But there's nothing more I could do. Haii.... All I could do is love him secretly. I can't force someone to love me if that's what he doesn't feel. I just hope that one day, he'll realize his faults. I hope he'll realize how much I've sacrificed, and risked just for him. I just hope he'll realize that before I learn how to let go and tell him "I've done EVERYTHING for you.... Now, I've had enough....."

Labels: broken, confessions

I remember posting that i was happy, that it all felt so clear to me, that he has feelings for me still. Who was I kidding? I've been played like a fool all along. I didn't even bother noticing that I was getting hurt already! I didn't even care about it! I just let myself cry every night. How stupid was I?! Thinking nothing will change after what had happened, thinking he wouldn't change. Well, guess what, he DID! He doesn't even have time for me! And he had THE NERVE to ask me if I could still be his bestfriend! I believed him! Believed that he would still keep his promise. Kahit eto man lang, tuparin nya. Pero, hindi eh. I think he's trying to make a way para mag-away kami. Bakit di ko pinansin un?! I had the idea that HE has someone new. That he met someone already. That HE, is courting someone. That he........ loves someone besides me. P*TA!!!!

Di mo ba napapansing sinasaktan mo ko!? o talagang manhid ka na pagdating sakin?! di mo ba alam itong mga ginagawa mo?! di mo ba alam na ikaw na lang laging laman ng isip ko?! di mo ba alam na... MAHAL PA RIN KITA??!!!

Labels: broken

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
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