Wednesday, December 17, 2008,:
dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...
------
i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.
the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s
should i give it or keep it? :s
i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s
i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.
i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\
my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...
well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.
i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.
yea, for the nth time.
i love M.but i can't force him to love me
again.
hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\
-----
plus, hoping to get good grades!:)
Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears
Thursday, October 23, 2008,:
AWKWARD.it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\
in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates),
coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?
i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.
"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was
happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.
when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.
minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him.
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.
after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.
since then, everytime we see each other,
awkward. it's been
awkward ever since. i
really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i
still feel the same way about him. that
i still love him.
i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm
SURE the awkwardness was
mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's
NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?
i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.
Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why
TIME can never get back what was ended..Last night, as I was talking to spongebob on the phone, marty texted me.
"still up? usap tayo."
My heart punded as I read those words on my phone. I know I wanted to talk to him, but I was still talking to spongebob. If I told him that I was going to put the phone down just so marty could call, he'd get hurt. I know I have the option of lying to him, but I can't. I didn't know what to do. >.<
I talked to spongebob while I was texting marty. I was surprised when marty told me that he got me something from EK. I thought to myself
"why would he get me something? and why did I pop out of his mind while he was in EK?" It made me want to talk to him more. I really wanted to talk to him -- i missed him! And he's my bestfriend.Ü Still, it doesn't change the fact that I have spongebob. I couldn't leave him.
At about 2am, I felt kinda woozy. I wanted to sleep, and I told spongebob that. The moment we put the fone down. I remembered marty. I called him up, and our talk lasted for about an hour. It was the longest hour of my life! At first, we were just fooling around, like we usually do. Then, our talk became serious. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it just did! He then told me something.. something that shocked me and made me forgot that I was supposed to go to sleep.
"bianx, edi manliligaw uli ako sa'yo?"Those words struck me. Those were the words that I've been wanting to hear from him for the last 10 months, and now, I heard it. I really did. I didn't know what to feel -- I didn't know what I was supposed to feel! It just happened. I needed to hear it again. I couldn't believe it. I heard it -- yes, but I still couldn't believe it. He repeated it. But still, my mind couldn't process those words he said.
He told me naawa siya sakin. That he was forcing me to move on 10 months ago 'cause he can see that he was hurting me, he could see that i was hurting, that I couldn't stand it anymore, but still held on, hoping that something might happen. He wanted me to be happy, that's why he pushed me to forget, pushed me to believe that friends, and only friends, that's what we'll always be. Though he loved me, missed me, but he couldn't stand seeing me get hurt, get hurt by him.
"There was no month that I didn't cry, alam mo ba un? You rejected me, you pushed me away, heck! there were even days when you wouldn't talk to me, or even reply to any of my texts!! Do you know how hard that was!? But, I don't know.. I don't know why I held on.... Maybe because that's how much I love you..."Speechless -- he was left speechless for what I said. I started to cry. But I was trying not to make it obvious. He was good -- really good. He knew I was crying right then and there.
It was just like before. It was like I was with my babybear once again. It felt good, but I knew something was wrong. Something was DEFINITELY wrong.
This is what I wanted for months now. But now that I have it, I don't know what to do. I love him still, I love him so much. But I can't change the fact that I've learned to love spongebob, too. Someone's gonna get their heart broken. If I could help it, I'd save them both, and leave myself broken once again. :'(
Labels: broken, marty
