i've never really known what it feels like to fail. i've always been known as "the smart girl" or the intelligent one of my batch. now, i can't face them and say i failed.

Labels: bloggie, class, college, dlsu, exam, hurt, life

why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).

finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for solimen, kinda ready for diffcal, but i'm NOT yet ready for anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))

----------

saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i didn't see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\

i hate it. :|

----------

anyhoo, needs a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my finals!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, class, college, complicated, dlsu, escapades, hurt, life, miss, promises, random, why

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

AWKWARD.

it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\

in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates), coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?

i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.

"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.

when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.

minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him. "WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.

after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.

since then, everytime we see each other, awkward. it's been awkward ever since. i really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i still feel the same way about him. that i still love him.

i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm SURE the awkwardness was mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?

i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why

can't think of a proper title for this entry.
well. no. i don't know.
simply, i can't think straight!

it sucks.
grrr.

details. details. details.
stupid mothereffin' f*cked up details.
(sorry for the language.)

i HATE it!!! :((

i need to talk to someone.
badly. IMMEDIATELY!

i don't want to go insane. :|

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, hurt, ouch, sick

i tried to talk to my boybud last thursday. i really wanted to talk to him. i was getting frustrated with the fact that someone in their class is flirting him. i don't know why. i just hate it everytime by bestfriend would tell me stories about the girl flirting with my boybud. it hurts. i admit. i hurts. so. bad.

right after lunch, my classmate (who knows him) told me to write him a note. so that everything would be said and done, so that no one would get hurt, she persuaded me to write him a not. and i did.

josh,
meet me in the canteen after dismissal... i just need to talk to you... if you don't come, i know what it means.....

after our speech class, we were heading down the stairs. the moment i came near their classroom, i tried not to look inside the windows. unfortunately, one of their classmates were getting an OHP unit inside. there was a guy holdig up the door for his classmate. when i looked up, i saw him. looking at me. straight. in. the. eye.

after that, i got more nervous about the "dismissal" thing. i was scared. so, the moment our adviser told us that we were dismissed, my anxiety turned into hunger, so i decided to head straight to the canteen and eat. :)) i was getting nervous every minute. to relieve my nervousness, i told my friends, "if he doesn't come here by 5pm, we'll go home." i told them that at 4:30pm. they told me to make it 5:30pm, but i was persistent. if this was meant to be, by 5pm, he'll be there, that's what i thought.

since they [my friends] knew that he wouldn't talk to me if they were there, they left me. "look-out" daw sila. :)) 4:45pm, gawd! ang tagal. i decided to do my physics homework. but the minute i was answering it, a friend of ours [boybud and i] came and told me, "andiyan siya." i told him to let him in. without hesitation, he did. our friend had a plan, he told us that he'd just "buy something", but the truth is, he locked us up inside.

he panicked. i did, too. but i didn't show it unlike he did. i remained calm, though deep inside i wasn't. this was the first time i was with him ALONE in some place. for minutes, they didn't open it up. so when one of my classmates came, i asked her to open the gates for us.. and she did. then i started to speak..

ako: "o, alam ko namang gusto mo nang umalis eh.."
boybud: (not moving and just looking at me) "galit ka ba?"
a: "ano sa tingin mo?"
b: "hindi ko alam.... galit ka ba? =/"
a: "alam mong hindi ako galit sayo. ilang beses ko bang uuliting hindi ako galit sayo! alam mo, kahit gusto kong magalit, di ko kaya! ewan ko kung bat pilit mo kong iniiwasan....."

after that, he just looked at me.. i.. never felt so at ease. i don't know why. he's the only person who could make me feel at ease no matter what.. gawd. i miss him so much!

last night, my bestfriend asked him "do you care for bianca?", he simply said "ya i do.. duh!" he cares for me. that's a fact. he said it himself. but why can't he talk to me? =/

Labels: anger, boybud, hurt, tears

i got a comment from someone about my previous blog entry. i don't know who you are, but i appreciate your opinion, rather, your comment about it. unfortunately, you turned it against me.

i'll make it clear for EVERYONE who is reading, had been reading, and will be reading my blog.

let's say that entry was pointless and childish. i can take that comment. i admit, even i think that having it as a dilemma is really senseless. it was a bit blunt of you to tell me that i was being selfish, that i was playing with their hearts. i can take that, too. but to tell me that i made spongebob as a scapegoat or panakip butas ko lang siya, that's rubbing me the wrong way.

clearly, you don't know what i'm going through, and especially, you don't know what i went through. i admit, i still love my ex. but it doesn't give you a reason to tell me that i made spongebob a scapegoat. i love him, believe it or not, i do love spongebob. i'm having a hard time not because i don't know how to get rid of him now that my ex wants me back, but i'm having a hard time because i know someone will get hurt in the end.

both of them are special to me. both of them are important in my life. call me stupid, or insane, or idiot, or a moron, the hell i care! i know the truth, i know what im feeling, and i effin' know the fact that i am not fooling anyone, and i am NOT trying to hurt them because i was hurt in the long run. i'm NOT stupid enough to play with other people's feelings, you know.

i wasn't, in any way, being unfaithful or dishonest. if talking to your ex and him admitting / confessing to you is already a sign of dishonesty to you, be it. my ex and i are bestfriends, i don't see anything wrong when i talk to him. i don't see anything wrong about him telling me what his feelings are, and what his feelings are towards me.

obviously, you're someone that i don't know. 'cause if you know who I am, you wouldn't tell me that i am using someone for my own "selfish" happiness. heck! wala akong pakialam kung maging malungkot ako kasi alam kong sasaya rin ako sa huli, wag niyo lang sasaktan ung mga taong mahalaga sa kin!

that's the way you looked at my post. i won't take it against you. thanks for all those things you said. i am not angry at you, or whatsoever. you even made me think of what you said. i just can't bare the fact that you think i'm that low to play with their feelings.

Labels: fool, hurt, selfish

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!