why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself fall.

now, i suffer the consequences.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my heart than my mind.
was I even using my heart?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just caught up with this feeling?

idk.

Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

it's official, friends are dying just to see me let go.

i lala-love my friends to death (: i won't leave them behind, and i'm here for them 100%. they know they can count on me on everything. the thing is, the essays they asked for me. gawd, the topics. i, emotionally and mentally, wasn't ready for it. :\

i'll update you guys when i've shaken my thoughts away from it.

friends (you know who you are), thanks. (: you guys know i needed that. but still, don't rub it in. :|

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, friends, love, ouch

i prayed for something i've been wanting for so long. how long? let's say more than 2 years and still counting?

this is the first time i prayed for it, and not ask for a stupid sign. yeaa. i used to. sooo, i asked God to show me a pink rose if he thinks i deserve to be with *him* again. my friend said it should be within 9 days. guess what. in less than a minute, i saw one.

i couldn't believe it. eh sa fabric softener ko pa naman makita dba? still, i don't get it. i saw pink roses THREE TIMES in different places/things.

i'm confused. i'm dazed. kung kelan naman kaya ko na, saka mangyayari toh!

just like last night, i asked Him to help me figure out if i should let go or not. :| and just earlier this day. ang gulo. nadamay pa lovelife sa fildla. th prof said "kumbaga pag may hinihintay ka. sa katagalan mapapagod ka." obviously, it was him who i thought of. i thought let go na. then my blockmate told me "don't quit". i was like "what?" she said "eto o, sa planner, don't quit."

can anyone clear my mind???

Labels: alone, babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, holding on, letting go, ouch, promises

can't think of a proper title for this entry.
well. no. i don't know.
simply, i can't think straight!

it sucks.
grrr.

details. details. details.
stupid mothereffin' f*cked up details.
(sorry for the language.)

i HATE it!!! :((

i need to talk to someone.
badly. IMMEDIATELY!

i don't want to go insane. :|

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, hurt, ouch, sick

sh*t!

you're making me fall for you all over again

sh*t!

sh*t!

Labels: babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, lie, life, love, miss, ouch, selfish, why

ate ko, pinapansin niya. best friend ko, pinapansin niya. status niya, feeling ko pinapatamaan niya blockmate niya. paano na ako?! :'( di ba niya ako napapansin? ako na nga tong araw-araw nagpapaalala sa kanya na mag-ingat siya... ako ung araw-araw na tinetext niya.. pero wala eh.. :'(

Labels: broken, ouch

haii.. i wouldn't get to talk to **spongebob tonight. pero, ok lang naman un.Ü he texted me when he was in school na.. hehe.. ang cute nga eh..Ü ewan ko., natutuwa lang talaga ako.. pero., i didn't talk to him that long 'cause it was 7 in the morning and i was still sleepy.. (mahilig ako matulog eh.. ^__^) aun., i told him that i'll sleep muna..

di ko naman alam., na magigising ako lunch time na! 2days na akong hindi nakakapag-breakfast. medyo sanay na rin ako.. but if my mom found out, naku, sermon ang aabutin ko.. after i ate breakfast, i surfed the net to check my mail, go to TeenTalk, friendster, etc. haha! parang ang daming ginawa eh... suddenly, parang sumakit ung tummy part ko.. (tummy part!? haha..) i immediately turned of every single program that i was using., and turned the pc off.. and headed straight to the cr! not to mention bringing a towel along..Ü

aun.. basta., i found out., dumalaw na pala si monthly visitor.. di man lang nagpaalam!? ahaha.. aun., ang sakit! sobra.. after taking a bath., (even though alam kong pagagalitan ako ng lola ko pag nalaman niya toh) humiga agad ako sa bed ng parents ko.. i couldn't stand the pain eh.. then i kept on texting **spongebob and told him about it.. awang-awa siya sakin.. (ayoko pa naman ng kinakaawaan ako.. >.<) di rin ako nakatulog.. shet! sakit talaga!

hanggang napansin ko., 4pm na. wala pa ring tao sa bahay.. taong-bahay nanaman ako.. haha! the official taong-bahay samin every summer..Ü hay.. nagulat na lang ako nakauwi na si ate ai.. tapos after 2 hours (that is 1hour ago from now.. wtf?! haha..) we ate dinner...Ü

until now, wala parin parents ko., kahit ate ko.. hehe.. ok lang... still., masakit parin talaga.. ugh! i hate the first days ni monthly visitor! >.<

Labels: ouch, teddybear

we chat often na. i don't know how that happened. but, we just do.

Mood swings ba tawag dito o talagang wala na? I used to feel bad whenever we chat, especially pag di kami nag-uusap. pag nag-uusap naman kami, i'm having butterflies on my stomach. kinikilig na parang ewan. pero lately, everything changed. di na ganun. though there are times na di nawawala un. pero bakit ganun? i just feel nervous. kinakabahan ako pag kausap ko siya. i know there's no reason for me to feel that way. but, like right now, ka-chat ko siya, and kinakabahan ako. ang weird noh?

i can feel it. i can feel that he's treating my as a bestfriend. i appreciate itÜ pero, di pa rin naaalis sa isip ko na sana he feels something more than that. syempre, mahal mo ung tao pero pagiging bestfriend lang ung pwede niyang ibigay at the moment.

but i've stopped hoping na. i still wish that one day, we'll end up together and live happily. pero i've realized recently na, the more i hope on the impossible, the more i get hurt. martyr na ata ung taong umaasa pa, kahit alam niyang wala na. well, martyr ata tawag sakin. i've done that. and i still think that's what i'm doing. ewan! moving on and letting go is my goal, but somehow, i can't seem to do that.....

"TIME heals all wounds..." they say. but does it really heal all the wounds? Or does it just help you accept the reality the longer you dwell on it?...

Labels: complicated, ouch, time

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!