i'm NOT supposed to feel this way.
who is HE, anyway?
it isn't as if we're close.
we barely know each other.

and yet.



i'm jealous.


the sad part is...
i don't have the right to feel this way :\

Labels: bloggie, college, confessions

today, my summer classes started officially. i didn't know that some of my friends enrolled in the same class i did (like Boogie, Mia, and Benjie) but at least i've got some people to talk to, right? :)

never knew summer classes would be fast-paced. our prof discussed the lessons that i had to learn in a week last term, in one friggin' day! i hate to admit it, if i only studied well in intecal last term, i wouldn't have been stuck in manila trying to pass it again.:| and i would be going to the province witnessing Kuya Geepee's wedding on may 4 as one of the bridesmaids.

and because i was stupid enough to fail it - unintentionally - and was stupid enough not to pass my med certificate, i'll be left in Manila, with only Ate Daday with me, while my parents and my sister goes off to Romblon, head to the beach and the wedding.

ugh.
this is NOT my kind of summer. :|

Labels: anger, bloggie, college, dlsu, escapades, gimik, life, random, summer, vacation, why

i've never really known what it feels like to fail. i've always been known as "the smart girl" or the intelligent one of my batch. now, i can't face them and say i failed.

Labels: bloggie, class, college, dlsu, exam, hurt, life

it's been awhile since i've posted another bloggie. let's just say my being busy and lazy got the best out of me :))

soo, i read my past entries here and i admit, they're all pathetic. well, i just needed to let out things and rant, but i didn't realize how bad i had it :| i'm glad i've let it all go. :)

tomorrow is the said "judgement day" in DLSU. yess, our course card distribution day has finally arrived, and i'm not even excited about it. :\ intecal has got me worried ever since i was absent on our second quiz 'caue i was in the hospital getting my bp checked. :| apparently, at that time, my heart rate was way too high that they had to use ECG (i think?). i wasn't ALLOWED to fail any of the quizzed i've got left. but lo and behold, i had to fail one :| and since i forgot to pass my med certificate to the vice dean, my missed quiz was recorded as 0. :|

i hope and i pray that i would atleast get a 1.0.
i know i'm not worthy of anything higher than that. :|

Labels: bloggie, class, college, dlsu, dreams, exam, life, random, school, sick

why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).

finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for solimen, kinda ready for diffcal, but i'm NOT yet ready for anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))

----------

saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i didn't see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\

i hate it. :|

----------

anyhoo, needs a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my finals!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, class, college, complicated, dlsu, escapades, hurt, life, miss, promises, random, why

early in the morning, strawberry eyes had to welcome me. :\ remember the guy i was pertaining to in my previous blog? well, see the thing is, i had to set the record straight. seems like everything is sooo wrong. and before things get out of hand, i have to let him go. sadly, both of us didn't want to. it felt like it was sort of a break up even though it wasn't. i was supposed to avoid him and not text him. but he keeps on texting me! :'(

anyway, i had to go to Quezon Ave. to meet with my blockmate, Im. Our research paper is due on wednesday sooooo cram cram cram!! I live in the South and we're meeting somewhere in the North. So how in the world would I go there, right? Thank God for MRTs. :)) I left home around 8-ish, and rode a jeepney going to Pasay. when in Pasay, i rode off the jeepney and took the MRT. gaaawd, ang layoooo pala ng Quezon Ave. :|

anyhooo, i texted my blockmate when i reached cubao. He gave me directions and things -- in short, i had to meet him in McDo. :)) when i saw him, he told me that we'll be meeting with another blockmate, J. Say hello to randomness and laughter.:))

since he was still at home, I decided that we should wait outside J's house na lang. since none of us knew where he lived, we had to call him pa. :)) When we found out na, Im realized that J lived somewhere around the corner lang. After minutes of patience and the like, we drove off to Burger King in Timog Ave. :)

Basically, we just ate there since after eating, the 3 of us decided to do our school things in J's house. :)) bastaaaa. can't narrate everything 'cause it'll take up too much space. :) thing is, we were supposed to finish englres but couldn't, luckily, we almost did :) they, Im and J, played red alert why I youtube-d at the same time. :))

Im and I were supposed to go somewhere at 2pm though both of us lost track of time. :)) sooo, both of us were late for our thingies. :)) i was supposed to go to glorietta to meet with my hs friends: Alroze, Joshua and Marlon. hassle nga eh. haha. i forgot how far q.ave was. sooo, i got there at around 3:30pm

twilight was the movie we were going to watch. one of the cinemas there will show twilight at 3:40pm. sakto lang! haha. we sat somewhere in front 'cause that's the only place wherein unoccupied seats were found. i am kinda disappointed with the movie.:| i love the book better. lots of important stuff weren't added to the movie.:| the storyline was too fast-paced. Jasper was a bit stony. any omg, doesn't anyone notice how fast edward and bella became an item?! the author had a little exposure in the movie, too. i think the only thing i liked about it is the baseball scene. gotta love the song supermassive black hole by the muse :)

overall, i'd give it 2 stars. one for my love of the book, the other for the kilig factor that was ever present in the movie. :)

gtg guys, classes resume tomorrow. :|

Labels: bloggie, boybud, college, dlsu, escapades, friends, life, random, school

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

waaah!

thanks to raymond apacible for taking me to the competition. :) had sooo much fun! though araneta was quite a riot (nothing beats the noise of the UAAP season :))), i had fun!

here are my faves:
highschool division:
(in no particular order)
- La Salle Greenhills Airforce
- Miriam College Sayawatha
- Xavier School Dance X
- Ateneo High School Indak
- Claret School Hataw

college division:
- DLSU LaSalle Dance Company-Street
- ADMU
- UPLB
- Mapua

*winners in both divisions are in bold letters.

CONGRATULATIONS to the winners MC and DLSU.
Animo La Salle!

Xavier Dance X and LSGH Airforce were coool! :) Philippine All-Stars and G-Force (correct me if i'm wrong) performed, too!

again... thanks raymond for bringing me along :)

can't wait for year5


-

Labels: bloggie, college, dlsu, escapades, friends, gimik, school

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

it's official, friends are dying just to see me let go.

i lala-love my friends to death (: i won't leave them behind, and i'm here for them 100%. they know they can count on me on everything. the thing is, the essays they asked for me. gawd, the topics. i, emotionally and mentally, wasn't ready for it. :\

i'll update you guys when i've shaken my thoughts away from it.

friends (you know who you are), thanks. (: you guys know i needed that. but still, don't rub it in. :|

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, friends, love, ouch

so, as of now, while typing this blog of mine, i'm schedding!

Schedding - v. (c/o Jan Juris Jim Go) fixing your own schedule for the next term

ugh. schedding is such a hassle. ang hirap pala! byebye 2nd term. it was nice knowing i was pre-enrolled (since i'm a frosh). gaah. this is giving me hardcore stress!

ok, updates:
- my friend and i are serious about this let-go-of-the-first-love-and-be-happy. as of now, everything's been going smoothly. but, what if i see him again? :\
- his (pertaining to the 'first love' above) cousin's been talking to me. no worries, though. but somehow, he's been talking to me endlessly. like, kulang na lang every minute kaming mag-usap. :|
- got 3 (yes, people. THREE) MATH quizzes next week. wish me luck!(:
- schedding is still pissing me off.

that's it for now. sleepy. need ENERGY! :)
study pa ko. huhu. night guys!

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, friends, letting go, random, school

soo, ate is a MultiMedia Arts major, right? she has this homework for one of her coures, fotogra, i think? she has to take 36 shots of random things, us!

..was with my ate, tita tats, ate faye, louis, lance, and francis.(:

early in the morning, it was freakin' raining! i thought we won't be able to og out anymore. still, my ate went inside my room and told me that we'll be going to UP Diliman for her school thing. our tita tats would fetch us daw. so, ok. i'm game!(:

aternoon passed and still no sign of tita tats. cancelled na siguro. that's what i thought, until she texted me to inform me she'd pick us up at 1pm. :O 1 am!? i received that at 12:30pm!! soooo, i had to rush and prepare.

before leaving the house, tita tats told us to call up our cousin, louis to let them know we'll be fetching them already. kasama pala sila.XD i wasn't informed eh.:)) late ko na rin nalaman ung lakad.:))

it was a fun car ride going to roxas.:)) ate took a picture of tita tats while driving, and my picture. idk. haha.

the time we got there, lance was prepared, so was francis.:)) ang alam ko 5 lang kami, but wth, the more the merrier! ate faye wanted to stay home na nga lang eh. she thought we wouldn't fit inside tita tats' honda jazz. but we did! kandong ko lang si france.XD theeen, louis showed us their Nikon EOS. haha. okaay. i forgot what model eh. sorry!

UPd... here we come!

we parked right in front of palma hall. took some pictures, and some jumpshots there. ALL of us haven't eaten one single meal that day, soooo while jumping and taking photos, all of us got hungry.XD

we crossed beta way, stayed and took some photos in melchor hall, walked beside it, saw and took photos of the sun dial, and then .... eat naaaa!

we ate at rodic's and everyone ordered a tapsilog. mmm. delish! the thing is, their serving is waay too much! i had to force the food inside my mouth pa.XD louis ordered two, him and lance ordered an extra egg. since the food was too much for all of us to finish, take out na lang :))

going back to palma hall was fun but tiring. ang layoooo eh pag nilakad. pero ok lang ;)

haii. i missed going out. :(
nabawi ng UP trip/photoshoot!:))
pics are in my muti account! :D

Labels: bloggie, camwhores, college, cousins, escapades, family, gimik

ok. term started na. hahaha. but i haven't met all of my profs yet.

here are the subjects i've been to:
- FILDLAR
- ANAGEOM
- DIFFCAL
- CHEMONE
- LBYCH11

the subjects that i went to, but the prof didn't show up:
- ENGLRES
- SOLIMEN

------------

yea. second term. it's been fun. hahaha. less homeworks pa kasi. and besides, it's the usual intro's again. but when you see my schedule, it's more flexible than the one i had last term. oh, just exclude monday. hahaha. 3 maths and chemistry in one day with just a 40-minute break, how's that to start your every week? XD

Labels: bloggie, class, college, random

yup.. it's been awhile since i've blogged. :)) i miss you my bloggie!!

anyhoo, time for the updates!:

- [used-to-be] boybud and i are okay now.. i think we've been okay since last february.. i can't exactly recall how that happened.. all i know is we were chatting one evening, he was asking for an apology, i said we'll talk the next day, and frankly, we did. he was kind of looking for a time when we'll talk. and there, we've been talking ever since..

- i'm a certified high school graduate! hehe.. i graduated last friday.. it's still isn't sinking into me, though.. i think when i start enrolling or even passing my requirements in LaSalle [future school!!!] is the time when reality will slap me right in the face.. :))

- my friends and i are planning on an out-of-town trip.. summer is here.. it's time for the BEACH!!! :D

well, that's all for now.. i'm kinda not in the mood for blogging, though i miss blogging.. so, yeah.. i'll change my layout first.. then i'll go back to blogging..:))

Labels: bloggie, boybud, change, college, friends, graduation

2 days and counting.. 3 months na kami.. but still no word from him.. :'(

i went to the Ateneo this morning. nagbayad na kami ng admission fee tas kinuha na namin ung application form ko. grabe, i'll be making an essay pa! kasama sa application un! X(

tas we headed to gateway sa cubao. kasi opening ng ncaa ngayon. since taga-benilde si ate, nanuod siya. i think ni-require sila kaya ganun. aun, kumain kami sa breadtalk (sarap ng choco mousse!), then headed sa taco bell sa taas and i bought a blizzard from dairy queen. nung nagkita na ate ko pati blockmate niya, pumunta na kami sa house ng cousins ko sa roxas.

aun, tumambay muna dun. hehe. pumayat si lance! at nagpagupit pa. si louis naman, may pasok sa feu, kaya mga 3pm pa namin siya nakita. konting kwentuhan lang kasi after how many minutes, sinundo na namin si ate. game1 lang naman pinanuod niya eh. (talo JRU sa SBC.)

now, i'm thinking of pj while filling-up my application form for the Ateneo. by next month, sa LaSalle naman ako pupunta to pay for the admission fee and to get the application form. haii. sana pumasa ako sa universities na aaplyan ko. pero siyempre, priority ko DLSU. dun ko gusto mag-aral eh.:) second choice ko ung AdMU, then UP, then UST.

hope i pass the dls-cet!


patrick, i miss you na... :'( would you talk to me on the 25th?

Labels: college, spongebob

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!