i'm NOT supposed to feel this way.
who is HE, anyway?
it isn't as if we're close.
we barely know each other.

and yet.



i'm jealous.


the sad part is...
i don't have the right to feel this way :\

Labels: bloggie, college, confessions

why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

it's official, friends are dying just to see me let go.

i lala-love my friends to death (: i won't leave them behind, and i'm here for them 100%. they know they can count on me on everything. the thing is, the essays they asked for me. gawd, the topics. i, emotionally and mentally, wasn't ready for it. :\

i'll update you guys when i've shaken my thoughts away from it.

friends (you know who you are), thanks. (: you guys know i needed that. but still, don't rub it in. :|

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, friends, love, ouch

• let's just say that's what I want him to feel.. gusto kong magsisi siya sa lahat ng ginawa niya sakin.. gusto ko pagsisihan niya lahat ng luhang iniyak ko! (ang lalim ah! haha..) ewan ko ba.. i don't know why i'm like this.. siguro nga, kung iisipin mo, paano mo itatratong "bestfriend" ang ex mo kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya? kung mahal mo pa siya? ang hirap dba? pero wala tayong magagawa. wala akong magagawa. that's just how life is.

• Before, I was ready to risk anything for love, even the trust my parents gave me. Now, heck! ayoko na noh! I never realized how hard it would be. I never realized how long it would take me to get over him, until now. 10 months of aggravation, 10 months of tears, 10 months of grief, and what do I get? Nothing. Am I pathetic to even love him until now? Maybe. He succeeded on blinding me. Maybe not. That's just how love is, right? But why does love have to be associated with pain? Can't we just feel it without getting hurt? No. You'll never learn how to love someone truly unless you felt hurt, you've felt pain, and especially (my good old friend!ü) sorrow. It's hard to imagine, but that's true. So, I'm doing it right. I'm loving him truly, and deeply. And at the same time, I'm getting hurt. I realized how special he is, how much I love him when he left. Maybe I knew right from the start how much I love him. But insanity and stupidity had to come my way.

• I was willing to sacrifice a whole entire school year without him by my side. Before the "break up", I already knew how it would affect him, and how it would affect me. I knew it would hurt like hell! But I said to myself, Maybe, by doing so, something great is in-store for us in the end.... Was I being too optimistic that everything turned upside-down? Maybe. But what has being optimistic had to do with it?! Being optimistic is about thinking positive things, right? But, why did it have to end this way? They say just ask His guidance. Throughout the year, I've been talking to Him. He practically knows everyhthing that I think, I feel, and I want. But why? Why does he have to go away?

• I believed him when he said he'd wait. I believed him when he said we're meant for each other. But I got hurt by believing those things. Were they lies? I'm not sure. Should I still believe? Maybe. Maybe something good will happen if I stay believing, maybe not. Should I hold on? Maybe. Maybe not. Could I hold on any longer? No. I would be stupid if I said yes. But why am I still holding on? Love has a weird effect on me. ugh. It sucks. But there's nothing more I could do. Haii.... All I could do is love him secretly. I can't force someone to love me if that's what he doesn't feel. I just hope that one day, he'll realize his faults. I hope he'll realize how much I've sacrificed, and risked just for him. I just hope he'll realize that before I learn how to let go and tell him "I've done EVERYTHING for you.... Now, I've had enough....."

Labels: broken, confessions

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
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