why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

my blockmates and i should really stop labeling the weeks of this term as "hell weeks". it should be "hell term" :)).

finals are coming up. :\ i'm ready for solimen, kinda ready for diffcal, but i'm NOT yet ready for anageom. because of my very high last quiz (98/100, baby!(: hehe.) i just need about less than 30 points in the finals. i'm aiming to perfect it. yeaa. haha. taas ng pangarap eh :))

----------

saw him today. :\
didn't really much notice him.
well, i knew he was there.
but i didn't look at him,
nor waved at him,
nor smiled at him.
i just pretended that i didn't see him. :\
i kinda knew he saw me. :\
i felt it.
i knew it.
i know him.
and...
it hurts :\

i hate it. :|

----------

anyhoo, needs a lot of studying hours :))
wish me luck for my finals!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, class, college, complicated, dlsu, escapades, hurt, life, miss, promises, random, why

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself fall.

now, i suffer the consequences.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my heart than my mind.
was I even using my heart?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just caught up with this feeling?

idk.

Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

you'll never know how your day will end until it does.

fun -- that's how i first thought of how my day was. though i was freakin' pissed at one certain subject, depressed at another, it was all good. hanging out with blockmates somehow chase away the senti moments now and then. sadly, we won't be a 'block' anymore come next term. :(

i was kinda prepped up earlier today. though i was dreading dismissal ('cause i'll be going to ortigas and the mrt ride is just like hell.:|), everything was good. the block has been laughing throughout the day. when were we never? :))

while walking by agno, everything turned upside down. hindi siya yan, sana hindi siya yan.. were the words that kept on repeating on my head. as we were approaching the main campus, the guy turned ang looked at me.

:| :O

it was him.

he smiled at me. i smiled back with a little :p. all was good if it were judged by the naked eye. but God knows how hurt i got. :|

seeing him, means the world to me. well, not literally. it's like my heart beats faster when i see him, slower when i don't. [ook, hoping he would'nt be able to see this. plagiarism ((: ] i know those words aren't mine originally, but his. but what can i do? :\

seriously, i'm getting tired of this. having fun with my day, then feeling low the moment i see him and remember the days when we were an "us". it's tiring and at the same time it's hurting me as well. ):

it's been more than 24 months since that awful incident. it's been 20 months since i've made that stupid decision. and i, for one, know it's stupid of me not to get over it! )):

enough is ENOUGH

i've endured so much.

you know who YOU are.

and if by chance, you come across with my blog.]

help me.

help me move on :|

i love you. i STILL do.

but from what's happening?

both of us should stay away from each other until we decide if we should be just friends, or relive our "you, me, us" days. :\

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, hurt, letting go, life, love, months, ouch, year

it's official, friends are dying just to see me let go.

i lala-love my friends to death (: i won't leave them behind, and i'm here for them 100%. they know they can count on me on everything. the thing is, the essays they asked for me. gawd, the topics. i, emotionally and mentally, wasn't ready for it. :\

i'll update you guys when i've shaken my thoughts away from it.

friends (you know who you are), thanks. (: you guys know i needed that. but still, don't rub it in. :|

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, friends, love, ouch

so, as of now, while typing this blog of mine, i'm schedding!

Schedding - v. (c/o Jan Juris Jim Go) fixing your own schedule for the next term

ugh. schedding is such a hassle. ang hirap pala! byebye 2nd term. it was nice knowing i was pre-enrolled (since i'm a frosh). gaah. this is giving me hardcore stress!

ok, updates:
- my friend and i are serious about this let-go-of-the-first-love-and-be-happy. as of now, everything's been going smoothly. but, what if i see him again? :\
- his (pertaining to the 'first love' above) cousin's been talking to me. no worries, though. but somehow, he's been talking to me endlessly. like, kulang na lang every minute kaming mag-usap. :|
- got 3 (yes, people. THREE) MATH quizzes next week. wish me luck!(:
- schedding is still pissing me off.

that's it for now. sleepy. need ENERGY! :)
study pa ko. huhu. night guys!

Labels: bloggie, college, complicated, friends, letting go, random, school

AWKWARD.

it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\

in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates), coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?

i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.

"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.

when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.

minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him. "WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.

after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.

since then, everytime we see each other, awkward. it's been awkward ever since. i really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i still feel the same way about him. that i still love him.

i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm SURE the awkwardness was mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?

i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.

Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why

i prayed for something i've been wanting for so long. how long? let's say more than 2 years and still counting?

this is the first time i prayed for it, and not ask for a stupid sign. yeaa. i used to. sooo, i asked God to show me a pink rose if he thinks i deserve to be with *him* again. my friend said it should be within 9 days. guess what. in less than a minute, i saw one.

i couldn't believe it. eh sa fabric softener ko pa naman makita dba? still, i don't get it. i saw pink roses THREE TIMES in different places/things.

i'm confused. i'm dazed. kung kelan naman kaya ko na, saka mangyayari toh!

just like last night, i asked Him to help me figure out if i should let go or not. :| and just earlier this day. ang gulo. nadamay pa lovelife sa fildla. th prof said "kumbaga pag may hinihintay ka. sa katagalan mapapagod ka." obviously, it was him who i thought of. i thought let go na. then my blockmate told me "don't quit". i was like "what?" she said "eto o, sa planner, don't quit."

can anyone clear my mind???

Labels: alone, babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, holding on, letting go, ouch, promises

it's been awhile since i've been online. our router's busted so i can't get connected. :| bummer. my laptop is for music purposes for the meantime. XD

bloggie, bloggie, bloggie. it's been awhile, too! XD and i'm more confused than ever!

i had this weird dream a couple of nights ago. weird because before i slept, i was thinking of a guy, but he wasn't the guy i dreamt about! another guy popped out from my dream. haha. past, baby! :))

i'll updated bloggie when router's fixed. gah. i miss the net. :(

Labels: bloggie, complicated, confusion, dreams, life, random

can't think of a proper title for this entry.
well. no. i don't know.
simply, i can't think straight!

it sucks.
grrr.

details. details. details.
stupid mothereffin' f*cked up details.
(sorry for the language.)

i HATE it!!! :((

i need to talk to someone.
badly. IMMEDIATELY!

i don't want to go insane. :|

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, hurt, ouch, sick

sh*t!

you're making me fall for you all over again

sh*t!

sh*t!

Labels: babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, lie, life, love, miss, ouch, selfish, why

sometimes, most things are better kept unsaid...

talks about other people to someone you love is really hard. especially if the feelign still lingers on. it's like your heart and your chest is gonna blow up! but, there's nothing you can do about it but to accept and face the fact that someday, somehow, you'll be with someone. but there's that uncertainty that that someone is not gonna be him...

marty and i kinda talked about "future relationships" with other people. i was trying so hard not to sound too hurt. but i can hear he's hurt. he told me he's having a hard time to tell me about it 'cause of what he had. i told him "sayo na nanggaling na bestfriends tayo.. well., that's what we should be., dba?" i admit, talking about "it" to him is really hard. but somehow, i've -- we've got to face it.

he told me "parang kayo na nga nun eh... and i don't know.. it can't seem to stop..." i asked him what it was. i'm kinda having the idea. but still, i want to hear it from him. "i can't seem to stop getting mad or angry everytime i hear you spending time with other guys..." kinilig ako dun. pero, hearing from him that he met someone from Miriam College, and that he's getting to know her... that made me kinda mad, too. am i selfish? do i sound selfish for saying that? ugh. i don't know. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel.

i got hurt when he told me "balang araw, i know you'll find someone new..." di ko alam kung malungkot ba un or happy.. pero i told him "ikaw rin naman eh.. you're a nice guy.. i know mauunahan mo pa ako magkaroon ng bago.." he told me 'no'.. ayaw daw niya.. i wanted to know why.. bigla na lang siya nagsalita.. "i can't erase the fact that it might not be you.. when i talk to her, i always wish na sana maingay siya, na ma-kwento parang ikaw.. whenever i text her, i wish na pag magrereply siya, parang ikaw.." napatigil ako dun.. alam naman niya na hindi un ung gusto kong marinig. gusto kong marinig sa kanya na gusto niyang bumalik sakin. na nagseselos siya pag kausap ko iba, na gusto niya ibalik ung dati. i want to hear him say "i want my baby bear back..." that's all i want. mahaba pa naman ang summer.. i might hear it. i might not. pero, sana lang talaga., sabihin niya un.


i can feel the connection, still. it's not that strong anymore like it used to be. but i know, when we're given a chance to spend time with each other, it just might live again. but the question is, do i want it back? does he want it back? now that everything has changed...

i miss those times of laughter with him. i admit, i can't resist comparing them to each other. they're almost alike! yet still so different from each other. i'm happy with spongebob -- i really am! but... ugh! i don't know what to do. i don't know anything!

i love marty, still... but i love spongebob... torn... torn... torn between the two.. if only i know what marty has in store, if only i know what marty wants, if only.. i would know what to do.. sadly, i'm not in control anymore...

Labels: change, complicated, confusion, truth

tomorrow, everything will change after 12nn. we won't be called "III-AGATHA" anymore. we'll go our separate ways for the meantime. magkikita uli kami sa june pa. grabe! di ko inakala na mamimiss ko ang Agatha. ngayon pa nga lang eh, nalulungkot na ako. i remember nung first day, i thought our class wouldn't be as fun as the class i had when i was in 2nd yr. masyado kong kiriticize ung section ko. i didn't think that i'd be having a blast hanging out with them! grabe... thinking about tomorrow is really saddening. di ko inakala na magiging close ako sa kanila.. :( kahit na maraming kalokohan section namin, kahit na kung sinu-sinong coordinator, and discipline officer, ang vice principal, at ung mismong principal na ung dumadalaw samin tuwing may nagagawa kaming kalokohan, mahal ko sila lahat! ang dami naming pinagdaanan nung january.. lahat na yata ng kamalasan sa mundo binagsak samin.. everyday kaming may kaso, di nawala ung stealing, galit samin si Ms. Jo, at puro sakit na lang ng ulo araw-araw. but, we made it through every day. mamimiss ko talaga lahat ng kaingayan ng class.. yung mga hirit nila... ung mga jokes nila.. kahit nakakainis ung mga guys namin., mamimiss ko talaga silang lahat! now, all we could do is do good in our last trigonometry exam and make the best out of last day... :(

grabe.. ano kaya mangyayari bukas? sabi kasi ni marty dito na lang daw kami sa bahay mags-stay. haii.. i really can't understand him.. masyado syang magulo! lately, he's been communicating with me.. natatakot ako na pagdating ng june, magbago nanaman siya.. haii.. by that time, im pretty sure na tanggap ko na ang lahat..... pero right now, i STILL have to clear things up in my mind.. yup, my spongebob is there to help me get through things pero, i still need marty to let me know the things that made my life complicated... :(

haii.. si joshua kaya makakausap ko pa? naisip ko lang. kasi one whole year na kaming nagdededmahan.. daig ko pa talaga lahat ng nakaaway niya! hehe.. i may be laughing about it pero, i admit, i miss my boybud.. nakakapanghinayang lang talaga ung friendship namin..

now, another chapter in my life has ended. after tomorrow, i am no long a junior in high school.. in a couple of months, seniors na kaming lahat.. time flies really fast.. i just hope everything, and everyone can cope up with it... especially, me..

Labels: boybud, complicated, last day, school, tomorrow

bat ganun? no matter how much i put the thought of letting go on my mind, the moment he re-enters in my life, it all comes crashing down....

we've been talking to each other since the past week. i know, this is what i've wanted for about 10 months na. i should be happy, right? pero bat ganun.. mas matindi ung kaba ko kesa sa happiness. there's a part of me telling that he has realized how much he loves me and that he wants to be with me... but... the other part of me is telling otherwise.. these thoughts of him courting some girl but got dumped that's why he's crawling right back to me can't be erased! parang kasi unbelievable na after 10, long months, babalik siya sakin ng ganun-ganun na lang...

is fate playing a game on me? the night a friend of mine becomes close to me, is the same night marty told me that he misses me... that he still loves me.. don't get me wrong.. i've stopped hoping. i would be hurting myself more if i still do.

i'm getting scared by the minute. i don't know what he wants from me. i don't know if he's planning on anything. all i know is that we're friends.. bestfriends.. PERIOD!

and if that time comes that he'll tell me that he wants me back,. what will i do? what should i do? honestly speaking, i don't have any idea. like what patrick said "di mawawala ung love mo para sa kanya..." and he's right.. kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan ung love ko para sa kanya., andun pa rin eh.. siguro male-lessen., siguro hindi.. pero, ewan ko.. i don't know what to do.. unless,... unless something happens..

one day, someday.. i'll face the truth.. whatever the truth may be....

Labels: babybear, complicated, truth

we chat often na. i don't know how that happened. but, we just do.

Mood swings ba tawag dito o talagang wala na? I used to feel bad whenever we chat, especially pag di kami nag-uusap. pag nag-uusap naman kami, i'm having butterflies on my stomach. kinikilig na parang ewan. pero lately, everything changed. di na ganun. though there are times na di nawawala un. pero bakit ganun? i just feel nervous. kinakabahan ako pag kausap ko siya. i know there's no reason for me to feel that way. but, like right now, ka-chat ko siya, and kinakabahan ako. ang weird noh?

i can feel it. i can feel that he's treating my as a bestfriend. i appreciate itÜ pero, di pa rin naaalis sa isip ko na sana he feels something more than that. syempre, mahal mo ung tao pero pagiging bestfriend lang ung pwede niyang ibigay at the moment.

but i've stopped hoping na. i still wish that one day, we'll end up together and live happily. pero i've realized recently na, the more i hope on the impossible, the more i get hurt. martyr na ata ung taong umaasa pa, kahit alam niyang wala na. well, martyr ata tawag sakin. i've done that. and i still think that's what i'm doing. ewan! moving on and letting go is my goal, but somehow, i can't seem to do that.....

"TIME heals all wounds..." they say. but does it really heal all the wounds? Or does it just help you accept the reality the longer you dwell on it?...

Labels: complicated, ouch, time

ARGH!!! i wanted to go to the hs dance of dbti makati.. but they won't let me!! just because they want the guy to ask their permission!! sana pala sinabi ko na before para nakapag-plan kami.. argh!!!!

Labels: complicated

argh! i got a zero in trigo! seatwork naman un.. kahit na! kasi naman.. improptu contest na.. eh ako ung rep.. wala! sabi ni sir "lumabas ka na.. baka sakin pa magalit ung grammar teacher nyo! pero zero ka na.." lumabas na lang ako.. kasi baka sigawan pa ako.. argh!!!!

Labels: complicated

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!