why do i have to find out everything when it has all ended? do i really deserve to know? or do i just deserve to get hurt 'cause that's what i have done to him in the past? :[

let's put a new addition to the lies my ex-boyfriend has told me.

we [someone close to us and i] were talking some minutes ago. he was asking for an advice 'cause - again - his girlfriend and him are in a disagreement. he said "alam mo, highschool life ko parang highschool life lang ni [put my ex's name here], nung third year, may prom date, nung fourth year wala." i asked him to elaborate and he said, my ex's prom date was supposed to be his date during his grad ball. i asked, "eh dba niligawan niya ung girl from MC?"

and this was what the guy told me, "yup, he did. pero di natuloy kasi NAGPUNTA SA STATES UNG GIRL KAYA HINDI NAGING SILA...."

if i remember correctly, he told me (when he went back to me), that he stopped courting her 'cause he was COMPARING HER TO ME. i'm not being boastful or cocky. he told me everytime he talks to her, he wonders why she isn't makulit like me. he wonders why she's not much into texting like me. why she is not as sweet as me.

and now, now that i am slowly letting go, suddenly i find that out? isn't that a bit unfair, on my part? :[

so, he just came back to me 'cause she migrated to the States. was i supposed to be his rebound girl? all the while, i regret not choosing him, and then this? :[

then again, i really don't know the truth. i can't judge him or conclude anything until i get the chance to talk to him.

but, then again, will THAT ever happen?

Labels: babybear, bloggie, broken, college, complicated, confessions, confusion, end, hurt, letting go, life, ouch, random, selfish, time, truth, why

dec.18 = course card distribution day
but there's something more to that date...

------

i won't hold back any longer. besides, i can't keep any of it anymore. i'll give them to him. i'll give them to M.

the scrapbook, my unsent letters, my thoughts when we were together and after we broke up -- all those things, i'll give it to M tomorrow. a part of me is ready to let it all go; a part of me has doubts. :s

should i give it or keep it? :s

i talked to joshua last night. he was unsure if i should give it, but definitely "keep everything he gave you", was what he kept on repeating. raymond said the same thing. but he told me to give the things i made for M na. cousin knows best than the ex, i suppose. :s

i was kind of "compromising" with raymond this afternoon. was with him. i almost chickened out of the would-be-meeting with M. he was telling not to, he was telling me to give it to him and not get scared. i guess, for me, that's the impossible.

i don't know what to do. :\ i'm willing to let go... let it all go. but is this what i want? :\ i'm tired of getting hurt for the past 2 years. i know this is stupid. i'm stupid, yes, i know. since i met him, i knew nothing but to love him. :\

my mistake. i know. everything was my mistake since we broke up. i never admitted it. but yes, everything was my fault. i knew, since then. i only blamed M for making me believe he's keeping the promise we made and for making me hope for nothing :\ i don't know. right now, i don't even know what to write...

well, this is the first time i'm not asking him to come back to me. :\ i'm not desperate. i love him, but i don't want to depend on the thought of him coming back.

i'll give it to him.
i'll show up tomorrow.
i'll talk to him.
whatever he says, whatever he may feel, i'd accept it.

yea, for the nth time.
i love M.
but i can't force him to love me again.

hope tomorrow turns out okay. :\

-----

plus, hoping to get good grades!:)

Labels: babybear, bloggie, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, holding on, letting go, life, love, marty, ouch, selfish, tears

i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself fall.

now, i suffer the consequences.

i know better.
i knew better.

stupid. i followed my heart than my mind.
was I even using my heart?
am i sure that's what i'm feeling?

or am i just caught up with this feeling?

idk.

Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why

it feels so right, yet so wrong.

i've been having butterflies in my tummy. yea, i know. this is that feeling that i've never felt in years. the last time i felt this way was when M and I were together pa. which was more than a couple of years ago.

the thing is. i know it's wrong. and i'm not yet sure of what "this" is.

is this the little thing they call love? or infatuation?


------


on the uglier side of things. this week is hell week for the block. :\

guys, wish me luck this wednesday. i'm gonna need a whole lot of it!
one word: ANAGEOM

i DON'T want to repeat that friggin' subject :\

Labels: bloggie, class, college, complicated, confessions, dlsu, friends, holding on, letting go, life, love, random, selfish, truth, why

sh*t!

you're making me fall for you all over again

sh*t!

sh*t!

Labels: babybear, bloggie, complicated, confusion, lie, life, love, miss, ouch, selfish, why

i miss him badly. :( grabe, imagine, kinaya ko ung 2 days na hindi siya nagtetext. pero kagabi, siyempre hindi ko kaya kasi monthsary namin un. i asked my bestfriend (while we were talking) to call up his # and ask him if he's busy or not, and if he has load. nagkausap sila, he wasn't busy, and yes, he has load. :(

nung binaba na namin ung fone, magy-ym dapat kami. eh before i got logged in, nag-ring ung fone, hoping na siya un. siya nga!:) pero, ya, iba naman napag-usapan namin. mas marami kaming pinag-usapan about other stuff instead of kami lang.

*sorry ah, medyo selfish lang talaga ako pag special day namin. ewan ko kung bakit.*

tas nasaktan ako (or nagselos) nung nalaman ko na ung lagi niyang kasama sa school ay babae. :( mas marami naman guys dun, bat di nalang guys kasama niya? :( pero inintindi ko na lang siya. he asked me questions like "pano pag sinabi ko sayo na ayaw kita makita?" or "pano pag sinabi ko sayo na 'i don't love you anymore'?" dba ang sakit?! :'( di ko na kinaya un.. umiyak na ako!

i wanted to tell him how i felt. pero pinapatulog na siya kasi may parang rotc siya every saturday. eh ang pangit nung pagsabi niya ng "bilisan mo." when i told him i was going to tell him something. tapos hindi pa ako tapos sasabihin niya "un lang ba?" ako, inintindi ko nalang siya. college na siya eh. lagi na siyang busy. pero ang gusto ko lang naman, onting pag-iintindi rin sa nararamdaman ko. :(

Labels: miss, selfish, spongebob, tears, teddybear

i got a comment from someone about my previous blog entry. i don't know who you are, but i appreciate your opinion, rather, your comment about it. unfortunately, you turned it against me.

i'll make it clear for EVERYONE who is reading, had been reading, and will be reading my blog.

let's say that entry was pointless and childish. i can take that comment. i admit, even i think that having it as a dilemma is really senseless. it was a bit blunt of you to tell me that i was being selfish, that i was playing with their hearts. i can take that, too. but to tell me that i made spongebob as a scapegoat or panakip butas ko lang siya, that's rubbing me the wrong way.

clearly, you don't know what i'm going through, and especially, you don't know what i went through. i admit, i still love my ex. but it doesn't give you a reason to tell me that i made spongebob a scapegoat. i love him, believe it or not, i do love spongebob. i'm having a hard time not because i don't know how to get rid of him now that my ex wants me back, but i'm having a hard time because i know someone will get hurt in the end.

both of them are special to me. both of them are important in my life. call me stupid, or insane, or idiot, or a moron, the hell i care! i know the truth, i know what im feeling, and i effin' know the fact that i am not fooling anyone, and i am NOT trying to hurt them because i was hurt in the long run. i'm NOT stupid enough to play with other people's feelings, you know.

i wasn't, in any way, being unfaithful or dishonest. if talking to your ex and him admitting / confessing to you is already a sign of dishonesty to you, be it. my ex and i are bestfriends, i don't see anything wrong when i talk to him. i don't see anything wrong about him telling me what his feelings are, and what his feelings are towards me.

obviously, you're someone that i don't know. 'cause if you know who I am, you wouldn't tell me that i am using someone for my own "selfish" happiness. heck! wala akong pakialam kung maging malungkot ako kasi alam kong sasaya rin ako sa huli, wag niyo lang sasaktan ung mga taong mahalaga sa kin!

that's the way you looked at my post. i won't take it against you. thanks for all those things you said. i am not angry at you, or whatsoever. you even made me think of what you said. i just can't bare the fact that you think i'm that low to play with their feelings.

Labels: fool, hurt, selfish

""if you two are meant to be,"
someday you'll be together at the right time."

i am your bestfriend :)
a poet on the loose.
wanting a motorola U9 now.:))


the name's bianca. :) been living for 17 years now and a college frosh. currently in dlsu-m taking up bs ece :| a friend to all, an enemy to none. i am artsy in my own right. poems are my "thing". and i live by honesty. liars are off-limits here. got that? :)

.bestzhel.
.yanna.
.kini.
.hannah.
.beachbabemackee.
.abigail.
.pam.
.jem.
.den.
.lynnette.
.ghirlhie.
.maxinne.
.merie.
.jetjet.
.tzie.
.janine.
.chi.
.princess.
.grace.
.cazs.
.immi.
.JaJu.
.joan.
.bianca.
.char.
.trish.
.cutreenuh.
.kuya ervin.
.rie.
.riane.
.ate jane.
.wawa.
.TIN.
.kimi.

Designer : Kookies
Coding references are from: Le. Romantique & Daybeforemisery(yarlythestarfish)
Brushes from: Aethereality
Textures from: Hybird Genesis
Big thanks to DANGO DAIKAZOKU!