Sunday, November 30, 2008,:
i shouldn't have let it go this far.
i shouldn't have let it get out of hand.
i shouldn't have let myself
fall.
now, i suffer the
consequences.
i
know better.
i
knew better.
stupid. i followed my
heart than my
mind.
was
I even using my
heart?
am i sure
that's what i'm feeling?
or am i just
caught up with this feeling?
idk.Labels: accept, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, letting go, life, ouch, selfish, why
Thursday, October 23, 2008,:
AWKWARD.it's weird how one thing suddenly turns to another. i never thought i'd feel awkward around him again. :\
in the start of the school year, i saw him in school one friday morning. i was about to claim my id (mine wasn't processed at the same time as with my other blockmates),
coincidentally, he was at the same place, at the same time, at the same day, for the same reason as i have. what a coincidence, right?
i didn't really see him instantly. i was sleepy and was wanting to get my id. that's all. then i noticed a group of guys enter the office. i didn't mind, i didn't recognize any of them. then when i heard the guy call out my blockmate's last name and mine, we went up to him, but somehow, one of the guys in that group was "looking" for someone.
"ui, Bianca!" was the first thing i heard. i looked up to see who it was, and guess what. it was Marty. :\ he was
happy when he saw me. and i could see that in his eyes. he was smiling and when the guy asked my blockmate and i who was 'falcutila' between the two of us, Marty was the one who answered.
when we had to leave, i said my 'goodbyes' and he said his, and we went out separately. we [blockmate and i] stayed on one of the benches there in sj walk. we were supposed to do our grap plate but we were lazy. :))he passed by. "Bianx, uwi ka na ba?" i was nervous. heck, i didn't know why i was nervous! i told him 'no' since i really wasn't going home at that time, then he said "aok. ingat ka ha?" then he left.
minutes after, i received a text message, and it was from him.
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE! ngayon pa tayo nagkita" it was written that way, believe me. he really didn't have to text me that, but he did.
after months, i found him with a girl. i don't want to go on the details, aryt?/ basically, he admitted to me that he likes the girl and has plans on courting her. yea. yea.
since then, everytime we see each other,
awkward. it's been
awkward ever since. i
really don't know why. i mean, it doesn't have to be like that, right? and besides, he doesn't know i
still feel the same way about him. that
i still love him.
i just saw him, two days ago. no changes. awkward. we saw each other and locked eyes. but i'm
SURE the awkwardness was
mutual. he was too quiet. i was shy. in short -- awkward. that's all i can tell you. it's
NOT supposed to be this way. No. i don't know what happened why it became this way. am i just thinking too much? or assuming things?
i admit, butterflies come back everytime he's near. well, actually, the butterflies never left.
Labels: accept, babybear, bloggie, broken, change, complicated, confusion, fool, holding on, hurt, letting go, life, marty, miss, random, why
i got a comment from someone about my previous blog entry. i don't know who you are, but i appreciate your opinion, rather, your comment about it. unfortunately, you turned it against me.
i'll make it clear for
EVERYONE who
is reading, had been reading, and will be reading my blog.
let's say that entry was pointless and childish. i can take that comment. i admit, even i think that having it as a dilemma is really senseless. it was a bit blunt of you to tell me that i was being
selfish, that i was
playing with their hearts. i can take that, too. but to tell me that i made spongebob as a
scapegoat or
panakip butas ko lang siya, that's rubbing me the wrong way.
clearly, you don't know what i'm going through, and especially, you don't know what i went through. i admit, i still love my ex. but it doesn't give you a reason to tell me that i made spongebob a scapegoat. i love him, believe it or not, i do love spongebob. i'm having a hard time not because i don't know how to get rid of him now that my ex wants me back, but
i'm having a hard time because i know someone will get hurt in the end.both of them are special to me. both of them are important in my life. call me stupid, or insane, or idiot, or a moron, the hell i care! i know the truth, i know what im feeling, and i effin' know the fact that
i am not fooling anyone, and i am NOT trying to hurt them because i was hurt in the long run. i'm NOT stupid enough to play with other people's feelings, you know.
i wasn't, in any way, being unfaithful or dishonest. if talking to your ex and him admitting / confessing to you is already a sign of dishonesty to you, be it. my ex and i are bestfriends, i don't see anything wrong when i talk to him. i don't see anything wrong about him telling me what his feelings are, and what his feelings are towards me.
obviously, you're someone that i don't know. 'cause if you know who I am, you wouldn't tell me that i am using someone for my own "selfish" happiness. heck! wala akong pakialam kung maging malungkot ako kasi alam kong sasaya rin ako sa huli, wag niyo lang sasaktan ung mga taong mahalaga sa kin!
that's the way you looked at my post. i won't take it against you. thanks for all those things you said. i am not angry at you, or whatsoever. you even made me think of what you said. i just can't bare the fact that you think i'm that low to play with their feelings.
Labels: fool, hurt, selfish
