Childhood days;

Sunday, March 11, 2007,:

"Pagsisihan mo, yan ang sabi mo

pero di mo na gusto ngayon

Pagsisihan mo ang sinabi mo

na ayoko na sa'yo..."

let's just say that's what I want him to feel.. gusto kong magsisi siya sa lahat ng ginawa niya sakin.. gusto ko pagsisihan niya lahat ng luhang iniyak ko! (ang lalim ah! haha..) ewan ko ba.. i don't know why i'm like this.. siguro nga, kung iisipin mo, paano mo itatratong "bestfriend" ang ex mo kung hindi ka pa over sa kanya? kung mahal mo pa siya? ang hirap dba? pero wala tayong magagawa. wala akong magagawa. that's just how life is.

Before, I was ready to risk anything for love, even the trust my parents gave me. Now, heck! ayoko na noh! I never realized how hard it would be. I never realized how long it would take me to get over him, until now. 10 months of aggravation, 10 months of tears, 10 months of grief, and what do I get? Nothing. Am I pathetic to even love him until now? Maybe. He succeeded on blinding me. Maybe not. That's just how love is, right? But why does love have to be associated with pain? Can't we just feel it without getting hurt? No. You'll never learn how to love someone truly unless you felt hurt, you've felt pain, and especially (my good old friend!ü) sorrow. It's hard to imagine, but that's true. So, I'm doing it right. I'm loving him truly, and deeply. And at the same time, I'm getting hurt. I realized how special he is, how much I love him when he left. Maybe I knew right from the start how much I love him. But insanity and stupidity had to come my way.

I was willing to sacrifice a whole entire school year without him by my side. Before the "break up", I already knew how it would affect him, and how it would affect me. I knew it would hurt like hell! But I said to myself, Maybe, by doing so, something great is in-store for us in the end.... Was I being too optimistic that everything turned upside-down? Maybe. But what has being optimistic had to do with it?! Being optimistic is about thinking positive things, right? But, why did it have to end this way? They say just ask His guidance. Throughout the year, I've been talking to Him. He practically knows everyhthing that I think, I feel, and I want. But why? Why does he have to go away?

I believed him when he said he'd wait. I believed him when he said we're meant for each other. But I got hurt by believing those things. Were they lies? I'm not sure. Should I still believe? Maybe. Maybe something good will happen if I stay believing, maybe not. Should I hold on? Maybe. Maybe not. Could I hold on any longer? No. I would be stupid if I said yes. But why am I still holding on? Love has a weird effect on me. ugh. It sucks. But there's nothing more I could do. Haii.... All I could do is love him secretly. I can't force someone to love me if that's what he doesn't feel. I just hope that one day, he'll realize his faults. I hope he'll realize how much I've sacrificed, and risked just for him. I just hope he'll realize that before I learn how to let go and tell him "I've done EVERYTHING for you.... Now, I've had enough....."