Tuesday, March 27, 2007,:
talks about other people to someone you love is really hard. especially if the feelign still lingers on. it's like your heart and your chest is gonna blow up! but, there's nothing you can do about it but to accept and face the fact that someday, somehow, you'll be with someone. but there's that uncertainty that that someone is not gonna be him...
marty and i kinda talked about "future relationships" with other people. i was trying so hard not to sound too hurt. but i can hear he's hurt. he told me he's having a hard time to tell me about it 'cause of what he had. i told him "sayo na nanggaling na bestfriends tayo.. well., that's what we should be., dba?" i admit, talking about "it" to him is really hard. but somehow, i've -- we've got to face it.
he told me "parang kayo na nga nun eh... and i don't know.. it can't seem to stop..." i asked him what it was. i'm kinda having the idea. but still, i want to hear it from him. "i can't seem to stop getting mad or angry everytime i hear you spending time with other guys..." kinilig ako dun. pero, hearing from him that he met someone from Miriam College, and that he's getting to know her... that made me kinda mad, too. am i selfish? do i sound selfish for saying that? ugh. i don't know. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know what i feel.
i got hurt when he told me "balang araw, i know you'll find someone new..." di ko alam kung malungkot ba un or happy.. pero i told him "ikaw rin naman eh.. you're a nice guy.. i know mauunahan mo pa ako magkaroon ng bago.." he told me 'no'.. ayaw daw niya.. i wanted to know why.. bigla na lang siya nagsalita.. "i can't erase the fact that it might not be you.. when i talk to her, i always wish na sana maingay siya, na ma-kwento parang ikaw.. whenever i text her, i wish na pag magrereply siya, parang ikaw.." napatigil ako dun.. alam naman niya na hindi un ung gusto kong marinig. gusto kong marinig sa kanya na gusto niyang bumalik sakin. na nagseselos siya pag kausap ko iba, na gusto niya ibalik ung dati. i want to hear him say
"i want my baby bear back..." that's all i want. mahaba pa naman ang summer.. i might hear it. i might not. pero, sana lang talaga., sabihin niya un.
i can feel the connection, still. it's not that strong anymore like it used to be. but i know, when we're given a chance to spend time with each other, it just might live again. but the question is, do i want it back? does he want it back? now that everything has changed...
i miss those times of laughter with him. i admit, i can't resist comparing them to each other. they're almost alike! yet still so different from each other. i'm happy with spongebob -- i really am! but... ugh! i don't know what to do. i don't know anything!
i love marty, still... but i love spongebob... torn... torn... torn between the two.. if only i know what marty has in store, if only i know what marty wants, if only.. i would know what to do.. sadly, i'm not in control anymore...
Labels: change, complicated, confusion, truth
