Childhood days;

Monday, August 20, 2007,:

do you know how it feels to give up everything and to sacrifice everything just for the one you love? i do. i didn't care what others might tell me or think of me, as long as i stay with him*.

after 2months, suddenly, the communication stopped. i thought he* was too busy. i thought he* had too many problems. i didn't mind. i kept the communication. i didn't care that he* wasn't replying, as long as he* knows i care.

later on, i found out he* was having a family problem (that's what he told me and my bestfriend). i had faith in him* that he* could fix it. i was scared that he* wouldn't 'cause i think it would resolve on risking what we have. he*, then, PROMISED (yup, that word that i hate to hear) me that if ever he* wouldn't or couldn't fix it, he* would tell me what it is. i knew him*. well, i thought i did. so, i put my trust in him*.

after a month, i had no news about his* "problem". my birthday came and he* greeted me. just a simple "happy birthday", that's exactly how he* sent it. i didn't care if it didn't seem too happy, or if i didn't feel any emotion coming from the text. i knew he* greeted me, that alone made me happy. i didn't care if he* didn't reply after i replied to that greeting. i knew something was up, i didn't mind. maybe i was too blind.

after a couple of weeks, our* day came. i was soo happy! i even saved my greeting to him* days before. but i had this strange feeling. i was scared, wanting the day not to come. i knew it will happen. i knew it will end. but i thought to myself "i'm just paranoid", or so i thought. maybe i was just blind.

midnight struck on our very day, i waited for it. by exactly 12 midnight, i sent him my message. he replied. but there's something in that text that made me wonder. for a few minutes, i didn't mind (i was reading hp7). but after it sank in my system, i had the courage to ask. though i knew where it will lead me to.

he* was numb. he* seemed like he* didn't care about me. he* said goodbye. i told him* "don't". he* told me "what if i don't love you anymore?" the line most martyrs (including myself) say "i don't care. i'll take care of you. i'll show you how much i love you! don't leave me.." nonetheless, he* left.

it didn't sink in me. well, it did the moment i told that to my bestfriend the next day. i didn't care if i was crying in school, or if teachers can see me, or if my boybud saw me.

i was hurt, i was sad, i felt pain, i was confused, it was complicated, and once again, i was left alone. like 4 months ago, when he* held me up when i was down. i didn't imagine that he*, of all people, would be the next one to pull me down.

i loved him*. and i still do. i care for him*. i never lied to him*. i was sincere. i was faithful. i was loyal. maybe he* wasn't mr.Right. maybe he* was just mr.Right-now. but i still think that he* didn't want to end it. that something had forced him* and made him* do it. i know him*. i know he* loved, and still loves me. something may be the reason why he* did it. and until now, i'm frustrated 'cause i don't even know what the reason of my depression is. yes, it's because he* left me. but why did he*? will i ever know the truth? is that even the truth?

Labels: letting go, love, spongebob, tears, teddybear, truth, why